Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger – Part II

A radio clicks on.  Static is heard, as well as a high-pitched whine as the radio tunes to a good station.

ADVERTISER: . . . and you’ll never have to worry about blood stains again.  Now stayed tuned for the continuation of Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger, and remember that when the Captain needs to deal with those pesky bodily fluids, he uses Uncle Popee’s Excrete-A-Gone for the stains.

A trumpet fanfare.

ANNOUNCER:  Look up – er, down, at the street.  Who is that masked man, dashing through traffic and knocking over hot dog vendors with the greatest of ease?  Why, it’s none other than Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger, the superhero with the heart of a warrior, the strength of a giant, and the inability to read even the simplest instructions on a box of Poptarts that even a mentally challenged, blind 7-year old could read.

CAPTAIN: (from a distance) Hey!

ANNOUNCER:  He also has super-hearing!  In last week’s adventure, the newest villain to plague the streets of Ruby City, The Jack of Trades threatened to blow up the town’s whiskey distillery if, thereby crippling the entire adult male population, if his demands were not met.  The Captain dashed off to stop him, but he was foiled once again when he could not comprehend a map of the city.  Now he must consult with his greatest foe if he is to find a way to win the day!

LIBRARIAN: (stamping a book) And this is due back in two weeks.  Enjoy!

The sound of glass breaking.

CAPTAIN:  It is I, Captain Solecis –

LIBRARIAN:  Oh lord, not you again.

CAPTAIN:  Yes, me, Captain Sol –

LIBRARIAN:  Why can’t you leave us alone?!

CAPTAIN:  Captain –

LIBRARIAN:  First, you come and pee all over my desk, then you get struck by lightning, completely frying my computer, and now you’re over here every week asking for help reading every single piece of paper you find.

CAPTAIN:  Not every week.

LIBRARIAN:  EVERY WEEK!  And every time, you come through the window because you’re too stupid to read the signs pointing to the front door!  Huge glass windows are expensive, you know?!

CAPTAIN:  Well –

LIBRARIAN:  And you always hit me after I help you.

CAPTAIN: (boisterous laugh) Yes, we have fought many battles, and while you are a dastardly foe, I have always won in the end.

LIBRARIAN:  My medicals bills are stacking up –

CAPTAIN:  But I am not here to regale your patrons with our past encounters.  Now, I need your help to stop the newest villain threatening this city.

LIBRARIAN:  I’ve started to talk to a lawyer –

Captain slaps the librarian.

CAPTAIN:  I know you loathe me, and I you, and someday we shall fight until one of us is no more, but dammit man, there are more important things to worry about!  Don’t you listen to the radio?

LIBRARIAN:  There are no radios allowed in the library.

CAPTAIN:  The Jack of Trades is threatening to blow up the town’s whiskey supply, and I need your help to stop him.

PATRON:  The distillery?!

The sound of many people in the library fainting.

LIBRARIAN:  What the hell?

CAPTAIN:  (taking out a map) You may be a pretentious, smarmy bastard and I hate everything you stand for, but you’ve done fair by this city.  Let us join forces.  Read this map, and help me find the distillery so that I may stop the Jack of Trades before it is too late.


CAPTAIN:  Yes, call upon your evil and ancient eldergods, and call forth your powers to decipher any written language.

LIBRARIAN:  You really are stupid.

CAPTAIN:  You know all my abilities to comprehend any written symbols has been stripped away!

LIBRARIAN:  You’re not dumb because you can’t read, or at least not just because you can’t read.

Captain knocks a lamp off a desk and onto the ground.


CAPTAIN:  We don’t have time for this!  That distillery is going to be gone soon, and I need to know where it is!

LIBRARIAN:  It’s right next door, you moron!


LIBRARIAN:  If you had opened your eyes before jumping through windows and knocking out all the men in the library, you would have seen that the distillery is the building right by this one.


LIBRARIAN:  The distillery is the company that funds this library!  That’s why we’re called Ruby City’s Drink n’ Read Book Depository.

CAPTAIN:  I always wondered about that.

LIBRARIAN:  The two buildings are even attached.  There is a hallway down the east wing that heads straight into the main show room of the distillery.

CAPTAIN:  By Jove!  I can use that hallway to sneak into the distillery, giving me the element of surprise!  Your powers and ancient knowledge helps save the city once again.  But the time for your wily incantations and archaic wordsmithing is over, and the time for brazen action is at hand.  Farewell, my greatest foe.  Today we have found a common ground and have become allies, but I swear someday I shall destroy you and your confusing building of . . . confusion.

Pause.  Captain slaps the librarian.  Pause.  Captain knocks another lamp to the ground.  Pause.

LIBRARIAN:  Get the hell out of my library.

Captain runs off.

NARRATOR:  And so Captain Solecistic is off!  But will he get to the distillery in time to stop the Jack of Trades, or will the distillery –

LIBRARIAN:  And library!  We’re attached, you know.

NARRATOR: Will he be able to save the distillery and library before the Jack of Trades incinerates it?  Will the Captain be able to find the east wing without being able reading any of the signs posted in the library?  Will the Librarian press charges against the Captain for breaking yet another window?


NARRATOR:  Tune in next time to find out the answers on Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger!

Fanfare plays.

A continuation from last week’s script.

Hair of the Dog Noodles

A Meaty, Sweet & Savory, Guilty Pleasure Recovery Meal

Phew.  All this drinkin’ catches up with a man.  Unless you’re incredibly lucky (or unlucky, depending on your view of things), we all have had to deal with the after-effects of a hardcore party.  Queeziness, headaches, slow reflexes, etc.  And it’s times like those that you want food that tastes good, is easy to eat, will fill your stomach, and give you back some shred of dignity.  What I’ve made will help you with those first three; you have no chance with the fourth because someone took pictures of you trying to make out with that floor lamp and we’ve all seen them.

You see that pack of walnuts? Fuck those walnuts, they snuck in there.

Hair of the Dog Noodles

– 8 oz of Wide Ride Noodles
– Pack of Bacon
– 4 oz of Sausage/Ground Pork
– 4 Eggs
– 1-2 Bulbs of Shallots (Sliced)
– 1-2 Garlic (Minced)
– Handful of Chives (Chopped)
– 5-6 Large Mushrooms (Sliced)
– Butter
– Soy Sauce
– Maple Syrup
– Salt
– Pepper
– Shot of Jack Daniels

This is essentially a Drunken Noodle recipe, but some ingredients have been changed to make it more breakfasty and American.  It’s also not going to be as spicy as your run of the mill Drunken Noodles since I’ve taken out the Thai Chilis; a hot pepper is just enough to push that hangover nausea to a full-blown “Can I make it to the toilet before I BLAAARRRGGGG?!!” moment.

  • Preheat oven to 400°.  When ready, bake the pack of bacon on a foil-lined baking sheet for 20-25 minutes, or until crispy.  Yes, I said to bake your bacon, and yes, I said to use an entire pack of it.  This is a hangover recovery meal, not an example of health.  Set aside when finished.
  • Soak and soften noodles in boiling water.  When done, drain, rinse, and set aside.

A note on the noodles – The kind of noodles I use are wide rice noodles (also sometimes labeled as rice sticks), an Asian noodle available in any Asian market, or online, if those kinds of markets aren’t in your area.  In the end, any Asian noodle will do; just don’t use normal pasta.

Yes, it does matter; stop arguing with me.  Never argue with a chef, especially if he’s drunk.

“It’s up to you whether I beat JUST the eggs!”

  • Beat eggs in a large bowl.
  • Melt some butter in a large skillet.  When hot, pour in eggs, and create a large, thin omelet – this can be made by constantly shaking the pan until egg mixture is mostly solid, and then flip.  Set aside.
  • In a large pan/wok, cook the sausage/pork.  Set aside.
  • Crumble bacon, cut omelet into 1” x 2” sections, and pour sausage into a large bowl.
  • In the same pan/wok, heat some oil.  When hot, throw in garlic, shallots and mushrooms.  Fry until soft.
  • Throw in drained noodles.  Mix well.
  • Pour and mix in 2 – 4 tablespoons of soy sauce.
  • Toss in 2 tablespoons of butter.  Mix until completely incorporated.
  • Salt and pepper noodles to taste.
  • Pour in bacon, sausage, and eggs.  You must mix it.
  • Pour in ¼ cup of maple syrup.  You must mix it.
  • Pour in a shot of Jack Daniels (this is called ‘Hair of the Dog’ Noodles, after all, and the whiskey compliments the syrup). You must mix it.
  • Now mix it into shape; shape it up; get straight; go forward; move ahead; try to detect it; it’s not too late; to mix it . . . mix it good (WHIPCRACK).

    Hold on, let me turn down my stereo; it’s starting to affect my writing.

  • Add in chives.
  • Serve.

Now, I know this seems like some reject from Epic Meal Time, but once the dish is made, it’s not all that; the amount of noodles helps spread out all the protein, syrup and liquor.  What you end up with is something that is equally sweet and savory, crispy and soft, simply delicious and ‘who gives a crap as long as it helps with the hangover?’  My roommate, who ate much of the finished dish, stated that it was the perfect hangover meal because it was easy to eat.  I think he meant that you didn’t have to do any hard work to consume it, like peel any fruit . . . or, like, chew it.  Every single bite will taste like glorious mix of every breakfast you’ve ever had.  Not for the vegetarian, nor the health-conscious, but perfect for a household full of drunks after a wild and crazy house party.


Phil and Rosco Discover the Meaning of True Love

Phil and his wife are having dinner out with Rosco and his new girlfriend Belinda.  They are all at a fancy restaurant, in nice clothing, chatting over wine.

PHIL’S WIFE: (laughing)  It’s so great to get out on the town.  It’s hard to get Phil out of the house these days.

PHIL: I’m right here.

BELINDA: We’re out all the time, but it’s always to crazy and strange places.  I find it relaxing just to sit down and eat a simple dinner with this one.

She gestures to Rosco, who is stuffing leftover appetizer bread into his jacket pockets.

ROSCO: I enjoy the fast lane, what can I say?

PHIL’S WIFE:  So how long have you two been seeing each other?

BELINDA:  About seven months now.

ROSCO:  Six.  Seven months ago I was still stuck in that jail cell in Tijuana.

PHIL:  What’d they lock you up for again?

ROSCO:  Something having to do with trying to steal a bunch of chickens.  I honestly don’t remember though.

PHIL’S WIFE:  I’m surprised we haven’t met until now.  Ros usually brings all of his friends by our house the moment he meets them.

ROSCO:  Yeah, I had to twist his arm to set this up.  Although, to tell you the truth, I feel like I know Phil already with as much as Ros talks about him.

PHIL’S WIFE: (sighing) Yeah, these two are pretty inseparable.

BELINDA: I was beginning to think he was hiding me from Phil.

Phil and Rosco start laughing.

PHIL:  That’s preposterous; you’re lovely.

ROSCO:  I told him so.

PHIL’S WIFE: He was probably hiding Phil from you.

PHIL: That sounds more plausible.

PHIL’S WIFE: They’re very protective of each other.

BELINDA: I guess.

ROSCO:  We’ve been building on this friendship for several years now.  It’s like taking care of a car you built from scratch.

BELINDA: When did you two meet each other?

PHIL:  In college.  We roomed together for a year.

BELINDA: I can imagine what kind of crazy parties went on in that apartment.

PHIL:  Actually, we never had a party in that room.

PHIL’S WIFE: Really?

ROSCO:  Yeah.  We didn’t even really start drinking together until a couple of years later.

PHIL’S WIFE:  I never knew that . . .

ROSCO:  Yeah, I wasn’t much of a drinker until this guy came along.  Frankly, he was one suave shrug away from getting me totally wasted that year we lived together.

PHIL:  Really?

ROSCO:  Yeah.

PHIL: Now you tell me.

ROSCO:  Well, I never thought it was such a big deal.  One of the reasons I never drank before then was because I never had a good enough reason to drink.

PHIL:  Yeah.  If I’m honest, I felt the same way back then.

They both stop eating and look at each other.  Silence.

ROSCO:  Phil?

PHIL:  Ros?

Rosco reaches across the table, Phil extends his arm, and they grasp each other’s forearms as if they were knights greeting each other on the battlefield.

ROSCO: You give me a reason to drink.

Phil gasps.

PHIL: I . . . I’ve waited so long to hear that.

They share a moment. 


A waiter appears.

ROSCO:  Two mugs of whiskey for the gentleman and I/

WAITER: Would you like a single or –

ROSCO:  Two MUGS of whiskey, pronto!

The waiter hurries off.  Phil’s Wife and Belinda simply sit and stare at the full grown men, who now have tears in their eyes.


PHIL’S WIFE:  Shhh.  It’s best not to disturb them when they are in their “Bro-mance” Mode.

PHIL:  (not taking his eyes from Rosco) CURB THY TONGUE WHEN SPEAKING OF OUR LOVE, WENCH!

ROSCO: Yeah!

A waiter appears with two mugs.  Phil and Rosco each take one.  They look at each other, clink their mugs together, and then raise them high above their heads.  Silence.

PHIL & ROSCO: May we never go to hell, but always be on our way!

They quickly drink the mugs of whiskey in one go.  They slam down the mugs, share one final moment together, and then go back to eating their meal as if nothing happened.

BELINDA: What just happened?

ROSCO: Magic.

PHIL: (to his wife) You’re going to have to drive home.

PHIL’S WIFE: You don’t say . . .

ROSCO: Yeah, we have about fifteen minutes before we turn into blithering idiots.

PHIL’S WIFE:  I’ll get the check.

BELINDA:  That was crazy.

PHIL:  Not really, but you might want to finish your meal quickly.

They all eat.

ROSCO:  Wait . . . so are we, like, married now?