A radio clicks on. Static is heard, as well as a high-pitched whine as the radio tunes to a good station.
ADVERTISER: . . . and you’ll never have to worry about blood stains again. Now stayed tuned for the continuation of Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger, and remember that when the Captain needs to deal with those pesky bodily fluids, he uses Uncle Popee’s Excrete-A-Gone for the stains.
A trumpet fanfare.
ANNOUNCER: Look up – er, down, at the street. Who is that masked man, dashing through traffic and knocking over hot dog vendors with the greatest of ease? Why, it’s none other than Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger, the superhero with the heart of a warrior, the strength of a giant, and the inability to read even the simplest instructions on a box of Poptarts that even a mentally challenged, blind 7-year old could read.
CAPTAIN: (from a distance) Hey!
ANNOUNCER: He also has super-hearing! In last week’s adventure, the newest villain to plague the streets of Ruby City, The Jack of Trades threatened to blow up the town’s whiskey distillery if, thereby crippling the entire adult male population, if his demands were not met. The Captain dashed off to stop him, but he was foiled once again when he could not comprehend a map of the city. Now he must consult with his greatest foe if he is to find a way to win the day!
LIBRARIAN: (stamping a book) And this is due back in two weeks. Enjoy!
The sound of glass breaking.
CAPTAIN: It is I, Captain Solecis –
LIBRARIAN: Oh lord, not you again.
CAPTAIN: Yes, me, Captain Sol –
LIBRARIAN: Why can’t you leave us alone?!
CAPTAIN: Captain –
LIBRARIAN: First, you come and pee all over my desk, then you get struck by lightning, completely frying my computer, and now you’re over here every week asking for help reading every single piece of paper you find.
CAPTAIN: Not every week.
LIBRARIAN: EVERY WEEK! And every time, you come through the window because you’re too stupid to read the signs pointing to the front door! Huge glass windows are expensive, you know?!
CAPTAIN: Well –
LIBRARIAN: And you always hit me after I help you.
CAPTAIN: (boisterous laugh) Yes, we have fought many battles, and while you are a dastardly foe, I have always won in the end.
LIBRARIAN: My medicals bills are stacking up –
CAPTAIN: But I am not here to regale your patrons with our past encounters. Now, I need your help to stop the newest villain threatening this city.
LIBRARIAN: I’ve started to talk to a lawyer –
Captain slaps the librarian.
CAPTAIN: I know you loathe me, and I you, and someday we shall fight until one of us is no more, but dammit man, there are more important things to worry about! Don’t you listen to the radio?
LIBRARIAN: There are no radios allowed in the library.
CAPTAIN: The Jack of Trades is threatening to blow up the town’s whiskey supply, and I need your help to stop him.
PATRON: The distillery?!
The sound of many people in the library fainting.
LIBRARIAN: What the hell?
CAPTAIN: (taking out a map) You may be a pretentious, smarmy bastard and I hate everything you stand for, but you’ve done fair by this city. Let us join forces. Read this map, and help me find the distillery so that I may stop the Jack of Trades before it is too late.
LIBRARIAN: Oh god.
CAPTAIN: Yes, call upon your evil and ancient eldergods, and call forth your powers to decipher any written language.
LIBRARIAN: You really are stupid.
CAPTAIN: You know all my abilities to comprehend any written symbols has been stripped away!
LIBRARIAN: You’re not dumb because you can’t read, or at least not just because you can’t read.
Captain knocks a lamp off a desk and onto the ground.
CAPTAIN: We don’t have time for this! That distillery is going to be gone soon, and I need to know where it is!
LIBRARIAN: It’s right next door, you moron!
LIBRARIAN: If you had opened your eyes before jumping through windows and knocking out all the men in the library, you would have seen that the distillery is the building right by this one.
LIBRARIAN: The distillery is the company that funds this library! That’s why we’re called Ruby City’s Drink n’ Read Book Depository.
CAPTAIN: I always wondered about that.
LIBRARIAN: The two buildings are even attached. There is a hallway down the east wing that heads straight into the main show room of the distillery.
CAPTAIN: By Jove! I can use that hallway to sneak into the distillery, giving me the element of surprise! Your powers and ancient knowledge helps save the city once again. But the time for your wily incantations and archaic wordsmithing is over, and the time for brazen action is at hand. Farewell, my greatest foe. Today we have found a common ground and have become allies, but I swear someday I shall destroy you and your confusing building of . . . confusion.
Pause. Captain slaps the librarian. Pause. Captain knocks another lamp to the ground. Pause.
LIBRARIAN: Get the hell out of my library.
Captain runs off.
NARRATOR: And so Captain Solecistic is off! But will he get to the distillery in time to stop the Jack of Trades, or will the distillery –
LIBRARIAN: And library! We’re attached, you know.
NARRATOR: Will he be able to save the distillery and library before the Jack of Trades incinerates it? Will the Captain be able to find the east wing without being able reading any of the signs posted in the library? Will the Librarian press charges against the Captain for breaking yet another window?
NARRATOR: Tune in next time to find out the answers on Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger!
A continuation from last week’s script.