CookEatLive Premiere – 3 WEEKS LEFT

Only three more weeks until the premiere of my new show Cook Eat Live.  This recipes comes from a cookbook Christmas gift, The Complete Asian Cookbook Series: China by Charmaine Solomon, and I learned a lot of new techniques that I will continue to use in the rest of my cooking.  For example, frying dried chilies in oil works wonders in making something spicy.  It does mean you need excellent ventilation because the smoke from frying hot peppers is something akin to riot gas.  #whydoesmyskinburn

CookEatLive premieres on YouTube and Facebook on Thursday, May 5th. Subscribe to check out and see all the delicious food that you yourself can start making today!

Shootin’ The Shit – Episode 4

I have a semi-regular podcast with my good friend A Man Chasin’ His Hat called Shootin’ the Shit, where we talk about pop culture, media, film, video games, theatre, television, music and much more.  I’ll always post the audio here, but we also have some texts there that are pretty funny.  Check it out at Shootin’ the Shit with Joe and Nic.

Infomercial for Nerd-B-Gone

Two guys are sitting on a park bench, talking.

GUY 1: Yeah, you know, I don’t really like Battlestar Galactica.  It’s so transparent and –

GUY 2: FUCK YOU AND ANYONE THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU!

ANNOUNCER:  Are you a nerd?  Do you get violently angry when your friends dislike the movie or tv show or comic book or band that you like?  Then try Nerd-B-Gone, the latest pharmaceutical that helps abate your geeky rage.

Two other guys walking down the street.

GUY 3:  Firefly is so overrated.

Guy 4 kicks Guy 3 in the groin and runs off.

GUY 4:  I try to understand my friends, but their opinions are wrong and I can’t handle it.

ANNOUNCER:  Not anymore!  With the help of Nerd-B-Gone, you too can have a normal conversation.  When a dork hears an opinion that is a dissenting view point, the opinion travels through the ears and into the brain, where is activates the rage center of the brain and sends messages to the mouth and body to create a violent reaction.  Nerd-B-Gone blocks these signals sent out from the brain, and replaces them with polite comments.

Two guys at a restaurant.

GUY 5:  Alan Moore?  I thought all comic books were about stupid superheros.

Guy 6 begins to say something, then stops.  His face turns beet red, and he begins to tremble and foam at the mouth slightly.

GUY 6: (having difficulty speaking) . . . that is . . . a valid opinion . . . how . . . how . . . thoughtful of you to say so . . .

Guy 6 passes out.

ANNOUNCER:  With Nerd-B-Gone, you can rejoin polite society!  Warning: Nerd-B-Gone may cause brain hemorrhaging, aneurysms, dry mouth, constipation, an increase in stupid and inane friends, and rectal bleeding.  Talk to your doctor today to see if Nerd-B-Gone is right for you!

 

A Scene from “Vigil” – Bobby & Mark Meet Up

FADE IN:

INT. BAR – NIGHT

MARK and BOBBY walk into the bar.  Mark is in his late 20’s early 30’s, unshaven and wearing a beat up baseball cap.  Bobby, in his mid-20’s, is a little more clean cut and well dressed.  The bartender walks over to them.  Mark is in an upbeat mood.  Bobby, however, is solemn and distant.  They walk up to the bar.

BOBBY
Thanks for coming out tonight.

MARK
Eh, what are drinks among friends, right?
(to bartender)
I’ll have a Bud Lite and Mr. Happy-Funtime here will have a –

BOBBY
A shot of whiskey.

MARK
See?  Happy-Funtime.  Bud Lite and two shots of whiskey.

The bartender gets the beer and pours two shots.  Mark picks up his shot and raises to toast.  Bobby downs the shots.

BOBBY
Another.

MARK
To long life?

Bobby takes the shot.

BOBBY
Another.

MARK
I think he’s okay for right now.

Bobby shoves his shot glass closer to the bartender.  The bartender pours another shot.  Bobby looks at the shot, and then downs it like the rest.

MARK (CONT’D)
Okay, big man, what’s eating you?

BOBBY
Mark, do you –

MARK
Yeah?

Mark takes his shot.

BOBBY
Do you ever think about that day?

MARK
Jesus, Bobby.

BOBBY
Do you really think about it?

MARK
It was more than a year ago.  I miss her too, but you need to let go.

BOBBY
But do you ever really think about?  Think about why –

MARK
There is no why, Bobby.  You can search the world for a meaning, in the end all it is was a gunshot at a wedding.

BOBBY
I’ve been going over every detail, everything that I can remember, hoping to find something new.

MARK
Over a year ago, and you think you’re going to find something new?

BOBBY
I remembered a license plate.

MARK
Buoy for you.

BOBBY
I checked online and I was able to find a match and I went to the address that was listed there.

MARK
How many different combinations of letters and numbers could your brain put together?  For all you know you went to the photographer’s house.

BOBBY
It’s him.

MARK
Bobby –

BOBBY
I knocked at his door, and looked him in the eye.  I spoke with him.  Heard his voice.

MARK
This was supposed to be a couple of drinks –

BOBBY
You remember that voice, don’t you?  Screaming for people to get out of the way.  “A wedding gift.”  I know you remember it.  I found him Mark.

MARK
So then, call the police.

BOBBY
They’ve been working on this for a year and all they have done is say my fiancé is dead from a bullet to the chest.

MARK
So what are you going to do?

BOBBY
She was my wife, Mark.

MARK
I know Bobby.  I was there.

BOBBY
And I never stopped.  While you and everyone else got on with their lives, I stayed behind to rustle through what was left, to find who did this.  And now –

MARK
Now what?  Thinking you might go vigilante a little bit and expend your own justice?  Jesus, Bobby, where’s your head?  You’re not that, you don’t have the steel for that.

BOBBY
But you do.

MARK
Fuck you.

BOBBY
You said that if you ever found the bastard you would kill him.  That you would never stop until –

MARK
Fuck you.

BOBBY
– and I figured with your past –

MARK
What about it?  I’ve been through some shit and I dealt more than I like, and I know that it doesn’t get you justice.  Don’t you dare go and say that I stopped caring, you little prick.  Yeah, she was your wife, but she was my sister, and she was that a hell of long time before she met your fancy city ass so you wipe that indignant look off your face.

BOBBY
You don’t know what we had.

MARK
Who do you think you’re talking to?  I knew her for her entire life.  I don’t know?  Let me tell you something about this lady that I don’t have a goddammned clue about; she would have rather taken her own life than to ever raise a hand against another person, no matter what the justification. She was the best person I will ever know, and I hate facing the fact that I’ll never hear her laugh again.

Mark drinks the rest of his beer.

MARK (CONT’D)
She wouldn’t have wanted it.  You dishonor her memory by considering it. You do this, the only thing that will happen is that you will have gotten yourself killed and piddled away what little family I have left.  And to lose you after . . . after everything, Bobby . . . she wouldn’t have wanted it.

Bobby gets up to leave.

BOBBY
I’m going to see him again.  You can’t stop me.

Bobby takes out money and tosses it on the bar.

BOBBY (CONT’D)
Drinks are on me.  Good-bye Mark.

Bobby leaves.  Mark sits in silence.  Then he looks to the bartender.

MARK
Hey, how much for that rest of that whiskey?  It’s happy-fucking-funtime.

END OF SCENE