An Actor’s Argument

ASSHOLE: Have you gone to college?

ACTOR: Yes, I graduated a few years ago.

ASSHOLE:  What did you study?

ACTOR:  Theatre, with an emphasis in acting.

ASSHOLE:  Ohhhh, so you got your degree in waiting tables?

The man guffaws like only assholes can laugh.

ACTOR:  Actually, no.  I got my Bachelor’s in Minding Your Own Goddamn Business, a Master’s in Shut the Fuck Up, and a motherfucking Phd in Dealing With Petty Douchebags Who Were Too Afraid to Follow Their Dreams, Too Stupid to Do It Right or Were Too Dull To Even Have Them In The First Place.  This was a conscious choice.  I work my ass off everyday and I’m proud of what I do, so why don’t you shut the fuck up and save your useless judgment for your ugly children and the geezers down at the country club.

(Awkward Silence.)

ASSHOLE:  Now see here –

(The Actor takes out a pie, hits Asshole in the face with it, and then kicks him in the groin, cuts Asshole’s tie off.)

ACTOR:  We call this experimental theatre.

(The Actor then shits on Asshole’s briefcase and lights it on fire.)

ACTOR:  Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd scene.

(Actor claps his hands, bows, and exits.)