5 Things I Never Thought In My Right Mind I Would Actually Want

I like stuff.  No, I love stuff.  All these people who say that “Stuff doesn’t make you happy” either have never had stuff, or have it and found out they are boring with or without stuff.  Or they’re fucking liars who want to feel superior to you for wanting stuff.  But really, guys, stuff is great, and ever since I was a little kid, I have wanted lots of it.  From a new game involving cartoon puppies to action figures with plastic flamethrowers, I have always been on the lookout for things I would like to own.  As I have grown older, my wants and desires have matured (now I want a real puppy and a real flamethrower . . . and then I’m going to teach him how to use it), which isn’t surprising since I have evolved from a person whose favorite drink is Tang to a person whose favorite drink is anything with any liquor it, any drink, drink, liquor, booze alcohol, who said liquor?!  I WANT LIQUOR, GIVE ME SOME NOW!

But what is surprising is some of the things I want now are things I never would have expected to want when I was younger.  Of course, everyone always wants a nicer car or a bigger tv, or a jetpack or a hoverboard; but there are things that only an adult could want to buy that I am now discovering I want. And I want them badly.  Things like:

Vacuum Cleaner

Oh God, it's glorious . . .

Once you move into your own place and grow out of the college-frat-don’t-really-care-about-my-place phase (also called growing the fuck up), having your home clean, fresh and smelling good becomes not only an important part of your relaxation and comfort, but also a source of pride.  It’s also one of those things that women find attractive; something about being able to see the floor and never needing nose plugs drives them crazy, I don’t know why.

"You use windex? Come here, you stud . . ."

But if you live in an apartment, odds are you have carpet, and even greater odds is that it’s a shitty carpet that seems to grow new stains in parts of the carpet that you’ve never even come close to in the past five years.  This means vacuuming is going to be a part of your normal routine, but a good vacuum is expensive and so you’re either going to have to buy a cheap one that never works or just broom your ass off.  Either way, it goes on the list until my financial life improves and I can buy one (in which case this item will be replaced by a Carpet Shampooer) or until I can no longer live the life of luxury that can afford me dirty carpet, and I move into a modest-sized cardboard box on the side of the street.

Normal-Ass Pair of Black Dress Shoes

Ooooo, my mouth is watering . . .

The last pair of black dress shoes I had were at least ten years old, found near a dumpster, were three sizes too big, and had so many holes them I’m surprised they ever stayed on my feet.

The tape probably helped, though.

I threw that pair away when I left my last job, but I have yet to replace them because 1) I didn’t have money to do so, and 2) They cost a lot more than I realized.  I’m not looking for a fancy-ass, designer pair of black shoes, either.  I just want some normal-ass, nothing special, faux-leather, black shoes, and they still cost at least $60.  I don’t know why the world has to make the items that everyone needs so goddamned expensive.

Oh. Right.


They're the most beautiful thing I have ever seen . . .

Look, I’ve been paying to wash my clothes for the past 15 years and I just want it to fucking stop.  I dream of the day when I don’t have to wait for 6-8 weeks to let the laundry pile up to the point where the doormat is cleaner than my clothes, when I don’t have to try to stuff three loads of laundry into one load to get more bang for my buck, and then not have to worry for the next couple of hours if someone is going to come in and steal my shit, and when I don’t have to pay at least $4-$5 for the privilege to do so.

Circular Saw/Jigsaw

I have no funny thing to say with this, I just want it.

I was a carpenter for four years, and once you get into the habit of realizing you want a table and then making said table and then using said table, it’s hard to go back to not being able to make your own furniture.  I still have all the knowledge of how to build, but I no longer have all the power tools that allowed me to build a whole bunch of stuff with efficiency and speed.  Of course there are ways around a lot of those power tools, and as long as you know what you’re doing, you can still create a whole slew of furniture-like items.  However, sawing is one that I would love not to do manually.  Have you ever tried to a saw a normal 2×4 with a shitty, hand-powered saw?  I did one a few months ago, and I stopped last night after reaching about 2/3’s of the way through.  It’s not impossible, it’s just really really really really difficult and I am really really really really  lazy.  Also, good luck trying to cut a straight-line by hand.

Unless it is a straight line to you, in which case, get some glasses before you get powertools.

Regular-Sized Bed

This isn't something I want, this is something I NEED.

Okay, this one isn’t so weird.  Like the car or TV, everyone wants a bigger bed.  The only difference with me is that I have been living on a twin-sized bed ALL OF MY LIFE.  I’m 26, about to be on the downhill side to 27, and I still live on a mattress that my feet dangle off of.  I’ve always gotten them because they are cheaper, and frankly, I’ve never had any need to accommodate anyone else.  But I have a romantic life now, and while I don’t necessarily mind the snuggling we have to do because of the size of my bed, when you are awoken by your partner sleepingly sneezing directly onto your eyeball, you suddenly understand how a little space can help.

Christ on a cracker, I need to cut down on the adverbs.

It’s also just fucking time, you know.  I will miss the space that the new bed will take up, but frankly I have too much stuff anyway.  Part of growing up is not just attaining of stuff you’ve always wanted (or stuff you never realized you would want) it’s also about throwing out all the stuff that you don’t need/want, and just keep around because of habit.

I still want that flamethrowing-dog though.

From legion5110