Infomercial for Nerd-B-Gone

Two guys are sitting on a park bench, talking.

GUY 1: Yeah, you know, I don’t really like Battlestar Galactica.  It’s so transparent and –


ANNOUNCER:  Are you a nerd?  Do you get violently angry when your friends dislike the movie or tv show or comic book or band that you like?  Then try Nerd-B-Gone, the latest pharmaceutical that helps abate your geeky rage.

Two other guys walking down the street.

GUY 3:  Firefly is so overrated.

Guy 4 kicks Guy 3 in the groin and runs off.

GUY 4:  I try to understand my friends, but their opinions are wrong and I can’t handle it.

ANNOUNCER:  Not anymore!  With the help of Nerd-B-Gone, you too can have a normal conversation.  When a dork hears an opinion that is a dissenting view point, the opinion travels through the ears and into the brain, where is activates the rage center of the brain and sends messages to the mouth and body to create a violent reaction.  Nerd-B-Gone blocks these signals sent out from the brain, and replaces them with polite comments.

Two guys at a restaurant.

GUY 5:  Alan Moore?  I thought all comic books were about stupid superheros.

Guy 6 begins to say something, then stops.  His face turns beet red, and he begins to tremble and foam at the mouth slightly.

GUY 6: (having difficulty speaking) . . . that is . . . a valid opinion . . . how . . . how . . . thoughtful of you to say so . . .

Guy 6 passes out.

ANNOUNCER:  With Nerd-B-Gone, you can rejoin polite society!  Warning: Nerd-B-Gone may cause brain hemorrhaging, aneurysms, dry mouth, constipation, an increase in stupid and inane friends, and rectal bleeding.  Talk to your doctor today to see if Nerd-B-Gone is right for you!


Phil and Rosco Race For Time


People are going out to a night at the movies. People are buying tickets, laughing and having a good time. Then a loud explosion comes from the street and a car flies over the curb and hedges and makes its way to the theatre. People are screaming, jumping left and right to avoid the car. The car steers straight for the box office, speeding up. It is just about to hit when the car turns sharply and Rosco and Phil fly out of the car. They roll on the ground and quickly get up. The car speeds into a lamppost and explodes. Phil and Rosco start to run towards the box office.

INNOCENT BYSTANDER:  Dude, your car.

ROSCO:  My car?

They push people out of their way as they run towards the box office. Rosco punches a man who tries to stop him while Phil steals someone’s ice cream cone. They push and shove and beat their way through the line, reaching the front. They suddenly stop and look at the movie showings.

ROSCO:  Oh. It starts at 8:15. We’re not late.

PHIL:  (turning around)  I guess we didn’t have to rush.

Rosco turns and they both look at the trail of destruction and carnage they both produced getting to the theatre.  People are lying on the ground, rubbing bruises and groaning.  There are skid marks on the asphalt and the grass. On the street a fire truck is arriving to put out a blazing mailbox.  Cars are piled up in a large traffic accident. People are running amok. A fire hydrant bursts open and starts shooting water into the air.

ROSCO:  Let’s go get something to eat.

They were going to see Digimon.

What Did I Do Last Night? I Made A Volcano With My Hands.

I was competing in this water-ski race/obstacle course with an old co-worker, and the finish line was the Man in Black cave from Lost.

Suddenly, I was Jack and all the characters were there.  Then TMiB came out and everybody else disappeared. TMiB and I talked, and then he lifted his hands and made the rocks on the ground float and then turn to dust. Then I made a volcano rise up from the ground with my hands and then disappear.

Then I’m myself again.  Hurly shows up.  We find an injured bird in the jungle, then TMiB tries to kill us with a wheat-thrasher. The cave starts to turn into a kitchen. I jump on top of the dishwasher, grab a knife, swing around and stab TMiB in the chest. The thrasher goes outta the kitchen, out of the cave, and explodes where the volcano had been. Fire trucks come and take us home.

I’m suddenly a five year old Italian boy from the burbs, and my parents have been missing me. They welcome me with open arms and try to feed me because they say I am too skinny.

Then it turns out the whole thing was a film.  The movie that I am watching ends, someone asks if all of the old movies are digitally projected, and I decide I am going to go to Amoeba Records to buy some vinyl.

Then I wake up.