Snozzberry Wodka Martini with Veruca Salt

snozzberry1Sweet.  Tart.  Insane.

Most of my culinary ideas come upon me while telling bad jokes during conversations with my friends and family.  In this case, I was chatting online with my friend Joe when this happened:

ME: . . . which is why I mentioned the wodka concoction . . . whoops, I meant vodka.  What is wodka? . . . wait –
JOE:  It’s the Russian pronunciation.
ME: – is wodka vodka made by Willy Wonka?  GASP!  I have to make that a drink now.

You see, I don’t sort out my ideas into “Feasible” and “Daydream” categories when they pop into my head; instead I take it as a challenge, a sort of double-dog dare to myself to figure out how to make it a reality.  That’s almost the point of this whole blog – to bring to life the crazy, inane shit that passes through my brain while I’m talking to friends, or drinking, or riding my bike, or reading a book, or all of the above.  With a few more hits of inspiration while discussing the topic with others, I came up with the following, uber-Wonka-themed cocktail.

Though I didn’t know it when I was a kid, this moment in the film would prepare me for all the substances I would later abuse.

Though I didn’t know it when I was a kid, this moment in the film would prepare me for all the substances I would later abuse.

So take a deep breath, click this link, and let’s get this wacky, slightly terrifying boat ride under way.

snozzberry2Snozzberry Wodka Martini with Veruca Salt

– Vodka
– Vermouth (White)
– Cranberry Juice (100% Juice, No Sugar)
– Nerds (no particular flavor needed)
– Sweet Tarts
– Gobstoppers
– Kosher Salt
– Pepper
– Lime

Wodka

  • Pour the Nerds candy into the vodka.  Depending on the size of your bottle of vodka, you may have to pour more in, but you will need far less than what you would imagine.  Nerds are pretty strong and it doesn’t take much to flavor the vodka.  You can also use more or less depending on how sweet you like your cocktails.  For me and the little bottle of vodka I had (which looks to be just under two cups), about 4-5 tablespoons was just right.
  • Shake the bottle every 5-10 minutes.  You’ll see the Nerds start to dissolve pretty quickly.  If you’re smart, you’ll choose one color of Nerds so the resulting Wodka will be a nice opaque pink or purple or whatever.  If you’re more like me, you’ll just pour in all different kinds so that the Wodka comes out looking like a bucket of water you’ve just used to wash your car.

    Exif_JPEG_PICTURE

    “And if you can’t afford vodka, I’m sure this Turtle Wax will give you a buzz!”

That icky color will be dashed away once we add the juice, so don’t worry.  After about an hour or so, most of the Nerds will be completely incorporated.  There will always be little left over, but it’s nothing to fret over.

Snozzberry Juice

The juice I used in the first shot wasn't the right one, so I had to do it again.

The juice I used in the first shot wasn’t the right one, so I had to do it again.

Not much to this; just juice and lime.  It does matter that there is no sugar in the cranberry juice.  The Wodka is incredibly sweet and the in-your-face tartness of the cranberry and lime is a perfect balance.  You can wait until the drink is entirely made to squeeze in the lime, or you can do it beforehand.

Veruca Salt

I could say I forgot to include the salt and pepper in the first shot, but I honestly just wanted to use my new camera some more.

I could say I forgot to include the salt and pepper in the first shot, but I honestly just wanted to use my new camera some more.

Much like a margarita, I decided to rim the martini glass to help add another “Wonka” element to the drink.  The mixture consists of crushed Sweet Tarts (because it is a Wonka candy), Kosher Salt or rock salt (because the character’s name is Veruca Salt), and finely ground black pepper because . . .

. . . Veruca’s a stone-cold bitch!

. . . Veruca’s a total bitch.

The blend should be about ⅝’s candy, ¼ salt and ⅛ pepper.  You want mostly sweet, a little salty, and just a hint of pep.

  • Tip: Don’t crush the candy into a powder; leave it a little chunky.

All righty, time for the mixing!

  • Make a martini using Wodka and Vermouth.  If you don’t know how to make a martini, then you have forgotten the face of your father and hence will be sent westward, shamed and dishonored.  (You want to take two parts Wodka, a ½ part vermouth, put it into a mixer with ice and combine.  And please, STIR IT, DON’T SHAKE IT.  James Bond is wrong and a coward.)
  • Take two small plates and fill one with water and the other with our Veruca Salt.  Take a chilled glass and dip the rim in the water, and then in the Veruca Salt, making sure to swirl it around so the entire rim is covered.
  • Fill a ⅓ of the martini glass with cranberry juice.
  • Fill the rest of the glass with the Wodka martini.
  • Take half a lime and squeeze the juice into the drink.
  • Drop in an Everlasting Gobstopper and serve.

Just forewarning you, this drink is incredibly sweet.  I’m alright with that since it’s based off of a madman who makes candy, but it can be overpowering if you’re not prepared.  If you want to knock off some of the sweetness, forgo the gobstopper at the end.  It’s a nice little touch, but it adds a lot of sugar.  Otherwise, the drink tastes like something you’d get in a candy store.  Sweet because of all the candy, very tart because of the juice and lime, and different because of all that Veruca Salt foolishness.   It’ll make you feel like a kid again.  I will say, however, that this is more of a novelty drink; you’ll make it once to try it out and have fun, but you wouldn’t want to drink it for an entire party.  For that, screw the vermouth, the Veruca Salt and the extra candy and just go with the Wodka, juice and lime.  It may not be as interesting as the martini, but it’s still a perfect balance of sweet and sour.

Enjoy!

snozzberry5Shout out to A Man Chasin’ His Hat, who gave me the idea to make a snozzberry-flavored martini, and Die Umlaut, who gave me the idea for the Veruca Salt mixture.

How To Kill Suave Spies #384

INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

The club is smokey and dark. Some lounge singer is singing an old, melancholic 20’s tune while a piano gently accompanies her. NICK DIAMOND enters the club, decked out in an expensive tux. He looks around and spots a table and walks over. LAO-TSU and GOON are sitting at the table, also dressed in tuxedos. Lao-Tsu is smoking a cigarette on a long cigarette holder, has a humongous wart on his chin and speaks in Russian accent. Goon has a large scar across one eye. Nick Diamond sits down across from them. They stare at each other.

NICK DIAMOND
Lao-Tsu.

LAO-TSU
Nick Diamond, it seems I underestimated you. I was sure you would not escape my super terror chamber of doom and despair.

NICK DIAMOND
Well, I have always been lucky with chambers, lava pits and those slow moving, spiked walls. Next time you should try a water tank filled with acid.

LAO-TSU
Really?

NICK DIAMOND
Yeah, I’m scared to death of those things.

LAO-TSU
(to Goon)
Make a note of this.

Goon takes a note pad out of his breast pocket and writes down “Acid Pool”.

LAO-TSU
Is there anything else that you would suggest?

NICK DIAMOND
Lots of men with big guns is always a good idea.

GOON
Acid . . . Pool . . . Big guns.

NICK DIAMOND
And maybe darts filled with Legionella pneumophila.

GOON
The what?

NICK DIAMOND
Legionella pneumophila.

GOON
Could you spell that for me?

Nick Diamond takes the pad and writes it down. He gives it back.

GOON
Thanks.

LAO-TSU
So the question is: what do I do with you now?

NICK DIAMOND
Give me what I came for Lao, and I’ll get out of your hair.

LAO-TSU
Ah, but what you seek I can not give you. I need the stone for my own devices.

NICK DIAMOND
You’re as ugly as you are stupid.  You need two stones to make the death lazer work, and you only have one. Now I have the other.

LAO-TSU
Oh, I’ll obtain it, one way or another.

NICK DIAMOND
You’ll never get away with it.

LAO-TSU
And who is going to stop me? You?

Lao-Tsu starts to laugh. Soon Goon joins in. Then Nick Diamond.  They all laugh together.

LAO-TSU
Enough. While your insolence amuses me, I am afraid that my only course of action is to kill you now. Barbo, advance on him.

Goon begins to rise. Nick Diamond quickly pulls a gun out of his coat.

NICK DIAMOND
Stay right there big guy.

Goon begins to sit down. Lao-Tsu pulls out a gun and points it at him.

LAO-TSU
Don’t you dare sit down.

GOON
But he’s pointing a gun at me.

LAO-TSU
So am I. I want you to kill him. I don’t pay you to not kill people.

GOON
But he has a god damned gun! He’ll shoot me if I move.

LAO-TSU
And I’ll shoot you if you don’t.

Goon looks back and forth.

GOON
I hate my job.

NICK DIAMOND
We’re getting no where with this.  Apey Fred, get him!

A man dressed like a monkey in a tux hops out of a plant and attacks Goon. They fight for the rest of the scene. Lao Tsu and Nick Diamond turn their guns on each other.

LAO-TSU
Waiter! Bring us two martinis.  This is going to be a long night.

A waiter brings over two martinis. They each drink one.

NICK DIAMOND
Good drink.

LAO-TSU
You think so? Mine was kind of bitter.

NICK DIAMOND
Well it’s not the best I’ve ever had, but it does the trick.

LAO-TSU
I certainly hope yours will.

NICK DIAMOND
What do you mean?

Lao-Tsu starts to laugh again.

LAO-TSU
I poisoned your drink. I wasn’t sure if you’d fall for it, but I figured a man who has a man-monkey as his partner isn’t playing with a full deck. You should be feeling the effects by now.

Nick Diamond has started sweating profusely. His nose is also bleeding.

NICK DIAMOND
It’s a little warm.

LAO-TSU
Now, I have the antidote, but you won’t get it for free.  I want the other stone, Nick Diamond.  You give it to me, and I’ll give you the antidote.

Nick Diamond thinks it over, coughs, and then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a colorful crystal. He throws it across the table. Lao-Tsu puts it away.

NICK DIAMOND
Now the antidote.

LAO-TSU
Well –

NICK DIAMOND
Don’t be a douchebag.

Lao-Tsu takes a vial of blue liquid and rolls it to Nick Diamond.  Nick Diamond quickly drinks it. He immediately starts to feel better. He sighs in relief.

LAO-TSU
HA! It was more poison!

CUT TO BLACK:

“HOW TO KILL SUAVE SPIES #384: THE ANTIDOTE IS ALSO POISON”