This is why I know how to make balloon animals.  The original idea was to fill the one I busted with “blood”, but it couldn’t be done without getting it all over the audience.  I then asked if the sound engineer could get the sound of a crying puppy, but he didn’t want to try to find that sound.  And so, no special effects, just a clown in a straight-jacket making balloon animals with a large knife made of wood.

All right, y’all, this is the last of the old videos of me from high school that I’ll be putting on for awhile.  After this, it all new stuff, I swear to God.

And if any of you can tell me what the hell “kommienezuspadt” means, I will give you cookies.

Seriously, I will make them, box them, and send them to you.  For free.

What Did I Do Last Night? I Made A Volcano With My Hands.

I was competing in this water-ski race/obstacle course with an old co-worker, and the finish line was the Man in Black cave from Lost.

Suddenly, I was Jack and all the characters were there.  Then TMiB came out and everybody else disappeared. TMiB and I talked, and then he lifted his hands and made the rocks on the ground float and then turn to dust. Then I made a volcano rise up from the ground with my hands and then disappear.

Then I’m myself again.  Hurly shows up.  We find an injured bird in the jungle, then TMiB tries to kill us with a wheat-thrasher. The cave starts to turn into a kitchen. I jump on top of the dishwasher, grab a knife, swing around and stab TMiB in the chest. The thrasher goes outta the kitchen, out of the cave, and explodes where the volcano had been. Fire trucks come and take us home.

I’m suddenly a five year old Italian boy from the burbs, and my parents have been missing me. They welcome me with open arms and try to feed me because they say I am too skinny.

Then it turns out the whole thing was a film.  The movie that I am watching ends, someone asks if all of the old movies are digitally projected, and I decide I am going to go to Amoeba Records to buy some vinyl.

Then I wake up.