The Family of Regrets

Many a time had a drink have I
And some of those to quite an excess
Hung over the next day as I wake with the dawn
Has become a common occurrence
I’ve discovered that hangovers are unalike
Some as different as night and day
It entirely depends on which liquor you drank
That will determine the suffering at play
Wine will leave a headache, dull and annoying
Not horrible but also not pleasant
While the headache from Gin is like a spike in your face
A pain akin to the might of God’s judgement
I’ve always found myself queasy and nauseous
When Vodka has been filling my bucket
Yet when it’s Beer, I find myself bursting
And becoming uncomfortably intimate with my toilet
Though Whiskey comes in many forms
The same outcome will always occur
Whether it be Irish, Scotch, Bourbon, or Rye
Fuzzy head, achy body, and double vision ablur
And last but not least, the worst one of all
That is a combination of those that came before
All light, all sound, even breath causes pain
Because Tequila wants you to die on the floor
With each of these maladies I have become well-acquainted
They’re as familiar as the back of my hand
Yet I continue to drink, despite all the pain
Because who wants their life to be bland?


Dedicated to My Current Hangover

Oh Hangover,

How do I – ow – love thee?

Let me count the ways;

. . .

. . . uh . . .

Well, there’s . . . no . . .

The highs aren’t as sweet if we do not travel to the low –

. . .

No, that’s not right . . .

. . . uhh, love is pain and – ow . . . no . . .

. . .

. . . I feel your love through every dry heave, through every churn in my stomach, through every pound in my head . . . no, that’s stupid . . .

Shit, I got nothing.

Fuck you Hangover, you dirty, filthy, rat-faced, sucker-punching, pig-tailed, knee-biting, party-crashing sonofabitch bastard.  Your cousin Hammered and his little brother Tipsy are just so cool, but they always bring you along for the ride because their mother feels guilty that no one likes you.

. . .

I’d say good riddance, but I know I’m going to be seeing you again tomorrow.

And the day after that.

And for the rest of my life.


It Took Me All Day To Write This Because My Head Hurts So Much