Oh, You Pretty Things

Four guys sit around a table, playing poker.  A fifth chair is empty, with a hand of cards and very few chips left.  In the background, “Oh! You Pretty Things” has just started playing on the stereo.

Guy 1:  I just don’t see what the problem is.
Guy 2:  He’s a sore loser.
Guy 3:  And he always loses.
Guy 4:  Because he sucks at everything.
Guy 1:  He’s been losing this entire game and hasn’t done anything.
Guy 3:  That’s because he still has some chips left.
Guy 4:  Yeah.  The moment they’re gone, he’s gonna freak-the-fuck-out.
Guy 3:  Defcon 4, empty the missile silos freak out.
Guy 2:  Le Freak, c’est chic, freak out.
Guy 4:  David O. Russel I Heart Huckabees freak out.
Guy 1:  You’re exaggerating.
Guy 3:  We are not and you know it.
Guy 1:  We’ve all known each other since the third grade.  We can’t NOT invite him to hang out.

The sound of a toilet flushing comes from a nearby bathroom, followed by a running sink.  Guy 5 walks out of the bathroom.

Guy 5:  I’m getting another beer.  Anybody want one?

The guys around the table all decline.

Guy 2:  (whispering) I’m just saying next time he comes over, let’s do something that doesn’t involve any kind of competition.

Guy 5 sits down, with a newly opened beer.  They all start playing poker again.  An ante is made, everybody puts some chips in, cards are exchanged, and then the ante is raised.  Guy 5 looks down to his remaining few chips, looks at his hand, breathes a heavy sigh, and throws the rest of his chips in the pot. 

Guy 3:  I call.

Everybody shows their hands.  Not only does Guy 5 lose, his hand is the worst out of the all the hands.  Guy 5 calmly swigs his beer and sets it on the table.  He looks at the pile of chips in the center of the table.  The song in the background hits the chorus and the shot switches to slow motion as Guy 5 suddenly flips the table over.  Chips, cards, beer and pretzels go flying in all directions.  Guy 3 is soaked in beer, while Guy 4 falls backwards in his chair.  A close-up of Guy 5’s face shows him screaming in fury towards the ceiling, with veins popping out all over his head.  The chorus ends and the shot returns to normal.  The table in upended, and everything is a mess.  Guy 5 is panting.

Guy 3:  God dammit!
Guy 2:  This is what I was talking about!
Guy 5:  What happened?
Guy 4:  (getting up off the floor)  You went bat-shit crazy again!
Guy 3:  This was a new shirt!
Guy 2:  This is why I don’t want to invite you to games anymore.
Guy 5:  What?
Guy 2:  You’re always doing this!  Every time you lose –
Guy 3:  – which is anytime you fucking do anything, you spastic bastard –
Guy 2:  – you overreact, do something drastic and ruin the entire day!
Guy 5:  No I don’t.
Guy 2:  Yes you do!
Guy 4:  Every time!
Guy 1:  Come on, not every time.
Guy 3:  Every time.
Guy 5:  No I don’t!
Guy 4:  You don’t even realize you’re doing it, you’re so insane.
Guy 5:  What?  I’ve never done anything like this before.
Guy 2 – 4:  Dude!

Guy 5 looks at Guy 1.

Guy 5:  Is this some kind of joke?  What are they talking about?
Guy 1:  Well . . .

MONTAGE
As the chorus hits once again, a series of slow motion shots show Guy 5 freaking out while playing different games/sports.

– Ripping a frisbee in half.
– Ripping a football in half.
– Ripping a basketball in half.
– Ripping a baseball apart.
– Ripping a tennis racket apart.
– Bending a golf club.
– Throwing darts at the guys, one of which is stuck in Guy 4’s head.
– Choking Guy 1 with a pool cue on a pool table.
– Lifting Guy 3 over his head while playing football.
– Jumping up and down on a game console.
– Chasing after the other guys on a shuffleboard court.
– Tearing the net off of a volleyball court.
– Flipping a table over with a Monopoly board on it.
– Flipping a table over with a Jenga game on it.
– Flipping a table over with a Mousetrap board on it.
– Flipping a table over with Magic cards on it.
– Flipping a table over with Yahtzee on it.
– Flipping a table over with an unfinished puzzle on it.
– Using a bicycle to knock off another cycler passing by after a race.
– Losing at arm wrestling with Guy 2, whom Guy 5 then punches.
– Firing at the other guys on a skeet shooting range.
– A close-up of Guy 5’s face in each of the scenarios with the same look of unquenchable rage on it.

BACK TO SCENE

Guy 5:  I never knew.
Guy 2:  Well, now you do.
Guy 5:  I’m sorry guys.
Guy 1:  It’s not a problem.
Guy 3:  It is a problem.  You need to calm down.
Guy 4:  Meditate.  Do yoga.  Learn to knit.
Guy 2:  Anything but compete.
Guy 1:  Don’t be so hard on him –
Guy 5:  No, they’re right.  I guess I have tendency to overreact.  I work on it.  But in the meantime, listen, why don’t I clean this up and then take everyone out to dinner?  And because I’ve been acting like a dick for all these years, it’s on me.

They all nod that this proposal is acceptable.  Guy 5 picks up the table and poker supplies.

Guy 1:  Who’s going to drive?
Guy 3:  I will; my car’s the biggest.
Guy 4 and 5:  SHOTGUN!

Pause.

Guy 5:  Flip you for it?
Guy 4:  Uhhh . . .  why don’t you just take it –
Guy 5:  No no, I gotta learn to be a fair sport.  (Takes out a quarter, tosses and catches it, and puts his hand over the coin.)  Call it.
Guy 4:  (looking at the others)  Why don’t you call it.
Guy 5:  Okay.  Heads.  (He uncovers the coin.)  Tails.  See?  I’m just fine.  Not a problem.  No tantrum.

Guy 5 walks out.  The rest stand in silence for a moment.

Guy 1:  See?  He’s already getting better –

A car door smashes through the window.  They all look to see Guy 5 ripping a car apart.

Guy 2:  Better my ass.
Guy 3:  My car!

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The Gourmet Binge

If you’re a part of my loyal readership (all thirteen of you have my undying love, by the way) you have come to understand my love of hard drink.  This affection comes more from a place of culinary delight rather than one of getting drunk, although I can’t say I dislike the awesomeness of a night of bar-hopping.  But I like to make my nights out at the bars an adventure, a story of epic proportions, a saga if you will, allowing I have the time and the budget to do so.  While sitting down and drinking shot after shot of whiskey and glass after glass of martini is most definitely cool (and a definition of manly thereof), I must admit that I find it kind of boring.  There is an entire world of liquor out there to enjoy and I believe it is my god-given duty, my holy charge, to taste of every school of libation before then end of the night.  Are there rules? Of course, this wouldn’t be fun if there weren’t rules.  Is it dangerous?  No, unless your idea of danger is to consume as many different liquors in a relative short period of time without promise of food or rest.  Then yes, yes it is.  Is it wise?  No, not really, as the final price of the bill will be akin to a new computer.  Is it worth it?  That depends on if you enjoy being badass.  So here it is, the game of the 9-Course Drinking Extravaganza.

RULES:

Number of Players: 2 – 6
Equipment: None is required, although it is recommended that one member be in charge of keeping score on a pad of paper.
Object:  To last the entire night without passing out, blacking out, throwing up or giving up.
Play:  The game begins when you step into the bar.  You must sit directly at the bar and be able to do so for the duration of the game.  You must order at least two drinks per hour, but no more than four an hour.  Every drink must be of a different class than the two that were consumed previously, although you do not have to cycle through all of the classes before returning.  You must finish each drink and wait 10-15 minutes before ordering the next.  Every five rounds all players can decide to do a group shot, where all players drink the same shot.  You do not have to drink at the same pace.  If a player is disqualified at any point they must drink water for the remaining duration of the game.

Disqualifications:

  • You may not drink anything without an alcohol content other than water.  You may consume as much water as you like.
  • You may not mimic your friend’s order (copycatting) in a given round, although you can order what they ordered once a new round has begun (piggybacking), but you can only piggy back twice in the entire game.  This does not include group-shots.
  • You may not repeat an order you have made earlier in the game.  This does not include group shots.
  • You may not order a drink that is made with more than three liquors.

Drink Class:

The Malts – Malted-grain drinks, e.g. – beer. You may order the same beer twice in a row, once.  This is called Barreling.

The Fruits – Fermented fruit juices, e.g. – wine, cider.  You may order the same glass of wine twice in a row.  This is called Mothering.

The Classics – Simple cocktails containing one liquor and one mixer, e.g. Gin & Tonic, Jack & Coke, Martini, Screwdriver.

The Mixies – Cocktails with no less than three ingredients, but no more than six.  E.g. – Appletinis, anything that comes with a slice of pineapple and an umbrella.

The Scorchers – Any drink that involves fire.

The Bombers – Any drink that involves dropping a shot into another drink.

The Regals – Straight liquor, in a tumbler.

The Blasters – Shots.

Awards:

A player that does a bomber, a blaster and a scorcher in a row wins the Purple Stomach award and gets to be called by the rank of their choosing for the rest of the night.  A player that has three or more classics during the game wins the Golden Age award, and gets to be called any entertainer from the 40’s and 50’s for the rest of the game.  A player that drinks three or more regals during the game wins the Tortured Heart award, and gets to be called by the author of their choice for the rest of the game.  Three or more malts consumed in the game, and a player will be called “Homer”.  These awards can be compiled to create names such as Admiral Twain Sinatra or Captain Homer Bogart Hemingway.

A man whom, I would assume, might look like this.

Game End – The game ends when all remaining qualified players decide to stop the game, or when there is only one qualified player left.

Now I’ve never actually played this game since not a whole lot of my friends want to attempt it.  With the few that have been interested, we often are having too much fun to keep track of the rules.  Here is one example of the 9-Course Drinking Extravaganza that I once played (with myself, but not by myself, at a bar):

1. Gin & Tonic (my favorite, and often first, drink) – Classic
2. Shot of Jack – Blaster
3. Black and Tan (half pale ale, half porter or stout) – Malt
4. Tequila on the Rocks (a double) – Regal
5. White Russian – Mixie
6. Irish Carbomb – Bomber
7. Rum & Coke – Classic
8. Stella Artois (2) – Beer
9. Flaming Dr. Pepper – Scorcher
10.  Irish Coffee – Classic
11. Gin & Tonic
12. Shot of Tequila

Now this seems like a lot of liquor, and it is, but I was drinking at least one glass of water with every drink, I ate before I started drinking and during the two Stellas, and I consumed it all at a leisurely pace in a space of seven hours.  I can not claim I wasn’t dead-ass drunk by the end, nor that I followed all the rules I have listed above, but I definitely wasn’t sick, I remember the entire evening, and I did not experience a hang over.

I must caution you readers though.  This game is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for the completely foolish.  The point of the game is not to beat the other players but to experience a variety of alcohol and never lose control so you remember each one, so the entire night is like sitting down to a huge, coursed meal.  The selection of drinks must take you on a journey to exotic places (tastewise), not a one-way trip to the sewer.  Excluding blasters, bombers and scorchers, a player must take their time with each round to fully savor the drink. If you look up at that list and get scared, this is not the game for you.  Likewise, if you see that list and think, “I never want to drink any other way,” this game is not for you.

Actually, on closer inspection and regaining my senses, this game isn’t really suitable for anyone.  But if done right it’s a lot of fun.  Like sky-diving.  Naked.  Into a forest fire. Full of snakes.

Or like that, yeah. Great example.