Phil & Rosco Dress Up

It’s Halloween and a costume party is kicking off.  The room is filled with a priest, a clown, gum stuck under a chair, a missing sock, a sexy nurse, a civil war medic, Lenin, Spiderman, etc.  Everybody is having a good time.  Among the people stands Phil, dressed as the back of a horse from a two-man horse costume.  He is talking to a woman dressed as a zombie.

ZOMBIE GIRL:  So you’re supposed to be a horse’s ass, right?
PHIL: (sighing) No.  My friend is supposed to be here as the front of the horse.  He said he would meet me here, but I’ve been waiting for twenty minutes.  I’m starting to look like –
ZOMBIE GIRL:  A horse’s ass?

Rosco busts into the party, panting from running because of his lateness.  Yet he too is wearing the rear end  portion of a horse costume.  He grabs a beer from a cooler and walks up to Phil.

ROSCO:  Hey buddy.  Sorry I’m late.
PHIL:  Ros, what the hell are you doing?
ROSCO:  Having a beer after I ran ten blocks to get here.  I know I said I’d be here sooner, but there’s like no parking spaces around this neighborhood.  I parked down on Adams and Vermont and then just booked it here.  I certainly got some strange looks, even for Halloween.  You’d think for a horse costume they would make it easier to run in.  But at least I didn’t have to worrying about what to do with the head . . .
Rosco finally notices which end of the horse Phil is wearing.
ROSCO:  Why are you wearing the end?
PHIL:  Because I said I would be the end so you would get to be the head.
ROSCO:  What are you talking about?  I was going as the horse-butt because I made you shave your head last year so you could be Lex Luthor to my Superman.
PHIL:  Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?
ROSCO:  I wanted it to be a surprise!  Why did you think that I’d screw you out of the cool part of the costume?
PHIL:  Because you’ve been screwing me out of the good costumes for fifteen years!
ROSCO:  Which was why I was gonna be the better man and let you take the lead.
PHIL:  You should have told me!
ROSCO:  You should have trusted me!
PHIL:  (turning to Zombie Girl)  Can you believe this guy?
ZOMBIE GIRL:  (giggling)  You both seem like asses to me.
ROSCO:  (scoffing)  It’s like there’s nothing you can do about that joke. It’s coming, and you just have to stand there.
PHIL:  But she’s right!  We’re just two losers who can’t coordinate now.
ROSCO: (putting his beer down)  Maybe not.  I have an idea.

Rosco edges towards Phil, who just stands there eying Rosco with suspicion.  Rosco slowly hugs Phil, bringing the edges of the costumes together so they look like a horse made out of rear sections.  They stand there, shifting slightly.

ROSCO:  (turning slightly so his tail is pointing at Zombie Girl)  Well?  Do we look cool?
ZOMBIE GIRL:  You look like an abomination.
ROSCO:  We can work with that!

Phil pushes Rosco away.

PHIL:  Get away from me.

Phil storms out of the party.  Rosco leaves in the other direction.  The Zombie Girl stands by herself.  Rosco comes back in.  

ROSCO:  You’re a cute zombie.  Don’t go anywhere.  I’ll be back in a moment.

He finishes his beer in as few gulps as possible, and then leaves.


Rosco, dressed as the front half of the horse now, is back as the party and talking with Zombie Girl.  His arms are poking out of the costume, holding another beer.

ROSCO:  – see now I’m just a fucked up centaur.
PHIL: (from the front door)  YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Phil has also returned to the party and is also now dressed like the front of the horse.

ROSCO:  You’ve got to be kidding me.

Phil begins to scream.  Rosco pours the rest of the beer in his costume’s mouth, throws the beer to the ground, and also begins to scream.  They run towards each other and start to fist fight, punching each other in the costume heads.  Everybody at the party starts taking pictures of the two fighting.


Phil and Rosco sit on the curb in front of the house.  They each drink a beer while they look at photos on Rosco’s phone of the two of them fighting.

PHIL:  I told you people would get a kick of it.

Phil and Rosco Discover the Meaning of True Love

Phil and his wife are having dinner out with Rosco and his new girlfriend Belinda.  They are all at a fancy restaurant, in nice clothing, chatting over wine.

PHIL’S WIFE: (laughing)  It’s so great to get out on the town.  It’s hard to get Phil out of the house these days.

PHIL: I’m right here.

BELINDA: We’re out all the time, but it’s always to crazy and strange places.  I find it relaxing just to sit down and eat a simple dinner with this one.

She gestures to Rosco, who is stuffing leftover appetizer bread into his jacket pockets.

ROSCO: I enjoy the fast lane, what can I say?

PHIL’S WIFE:  So how long have you two been seeing each other?

BELINDA:  About seven months now.

ROSCO:  Six.  Seven months ago I was still stuck in that jail cell in Tijuana.

PHIL:  What’d they lock you up for again?

ROSCO:  Something having to do with trying to steal a bunch of chickens.  I honestly don’t remember though.

PHIL’S WIFE:  I’m surprised we haven’t met until now.  Ros usually brings all of his friends by our house the moment he meets them.

ROSCO:  Yeah, I had to twist his arm to set this up.  Although, to tell you the truth, I feel like I know Phil already with as much as Ros talks about him.

PHIL’S WIFE: (sighing) Yeah, these two are pretty inseparable.

BELINDA: I was beginning to think he was hiding me from Phil.

Phil and Rosco start laughing.

PHIL:  That’s preposterous; you’re lovely.

ROSCO:  I told him so.

PHIL’S WIFE: He was probably hiding Phil from you.

PHIL: That sounds more plausible.

PHIL’S WIFE: They’re very protective of each other.

BELINDA: I guess.

ROSCO:  We’ve been building on this friendship for several years now.  It’s like taking care of a car you built from scratch.

BELINDA: When did you two meet each other?

PHIL:  In college.  We roomed together for a year.

BELINDA: I can imagine what kind of crazy parties went on in that apartment.

PHIL:  Actually, we never had a party in that room.

PHIL’S WIFE: Really?

ROSCO:  Yeah.  We didn’t even really start drinking together until a couple of years later.

PHIL’S WIFE:  I never knew that . . .

ROSCO:  Yeah, I wasn’t much of a drinker until this guy came along.  Frankly, he was one suave shrug away from getting me totally wasted that year we lived together.

PHIL:  Really?

ROSCO:  Yeah.

PHIL: Now you tell me.

ROSCO:  Well, I never thought it was such a big deal.  One of the reasons I never drank before then was because I never had a good enough reason to drink.

PHIL:  Yeah.  If I’m honest, I felt the same way back then.

They both stop eating and look at each other.  Silence.

ROSCO:  Phil?

PHIL:  Ros?

Rosco reaches across the table, Phil extends his arm, and they grasp each other’s forearms as if they were knights greeting each other on the battlefield.

ROSCO: You give me a reason to drink.

Phil gasps.

PHIL: I . . . I’ve waited so long to hear that.

They share a moment. 


A waiter appears.

ROSCO:  Two mugs of whiskey for the gentleman and I/

WAITER: Would you like a single or –

ROSCO:  Two MUGS of whiskey, pronto!

The waiter hurries off.  Phil’s Wife and Belinda simply sit and stare at the full grown men, who now have tears in their eyes.


PHIL’S WIFE:  Shhh.  It’s best not to disturb them when they are in their “Bro-mance” Mode.

PHIL:  (not taking his eyes from Rosco) CURB THY TONGUE WHEN SPEAKING OF OUR LOVE, WENCH!

ROSCO: Yeah!

A waiter appears with two mugs.  Phil and Rosco each take one.  They look at each other, clink their mugs together, and then raise them high above their heads.  Silence.

PHIL & ROSCO: May we never go to hell, but always be on our way!

They quickly drink the mugs of whiskey in one go.  They slam down the mugs, share one final moment together, and then go back to eating their meal as if nothing happened.

BELINDA: What just happened?

ROSCO: Magic.

PHIL: (to his wife) You’re going to have to drive home.

PHIL’S WIFE: You don’t say . . .

ROSCO: Yeah, we have about fifteen minutes before we turn into blithering idiots.

PHIL’S WIFE:  I’ll get the check.

BELINDA:  That was crazy.

PHIL:  Not really, but you might want to finish your meal quickly.

They all eat.

ROSCO:  Wait . . . so are we, like, married now?


We all end up saying goodbye to someone important to us, one way or another, in life.  Whether it be by a joined venture of farewell;
Or a perhaps a change of stature;
Or sometimes by the true finish through the clearing at the end of the path;
We all must say good-bye to those we love, by and by.
What is hardest about saying farewell is not that we must come to the end of a friendship
And the world we know with that person in it,
For those will continue on through history
And echo in the lives you lead from then on;
It is the fact that we must face a new life
With the knowledge that it continues on without them;
That the small worlds that we create for ourselves
That help us get by
The help keep us sane
That make life worth living
Can merely fade away into the recesses of our memory
With such ease, and with no plaque or monument to mark its passing.
The hard good-byes are not the one ones we say to each other
But the ones we say to ourselves;
For when a person who is dear to your heart moves on
A part of you that loved them moves on with them.
It is the true gift of friendship,
To give a piece of yourself to someone forever
And to never get it back.
And yet the piece of yourself that you do keep
Rejoices with the part of that person that has been left with you,
For life does move on as it always has.
And while there will be times when you miss the sound of a friend’s laugh
Or the reassuring hug of a mother
Or the caress of a lover’s hand on your face
And mourn for the life you have left behind,
The memories of those moments will act as a warm core in your soul
When the sun is bright and the air is clear
And your view to the horizon is unhindered.
Then you will remember not just your friend, but yourself
And the joy and love you shared with them will fill your heart
Will flood it;
Like a crystal glass
Overrunning with cool water.

Phil & Rosco Cower At The Feet Of Technology

Phil and Rosco are sitting on a couch, watching a laptop that is sitting on the coffee table in front of them.  They are laughing, watching funny videos online.

PHIL:  Hahahaha, that one was good, but you have to see this other one.  It has a guy with a hat shaped like a giant hippo and –

ROSCO:  You mean the one where he splashes his grandmother with the motor oil?

PHIL:  Yeah, but it’s a new video, just came out a few days ago.

Phil leans over and types some and then clicks.  The sound of a man speaking in falsetto and in a bad Armenian accent can be heard, although his words are undecipherable.  Phil and Rosco sit, watching and waiting for the funny moment to happen. 

PHIL:  Here it comes!  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight –

Suddenly, the laptop turns off, with a dead battery symbol appearing on the screen.  Phil and Rosco sit in silence, their faces turning from anticipatory glee to befuddled horror.  They sit, staring at the dead laptop.  Then they look at each other.  Then they look around the room.  There is a large tv, with a dvd player under it, and a TiVO under that.  A large stereo lies on the floor, with multiple game consoles sitting around it.  There are piles of dvds, cds and books all over the room, as well as a large pile of board games.

ROSCO:  Well . . . I guess I’m . . . uh, going home.

PHIL:  Yeah.  Uh . . . yeah.

Rosco hesitates a moment, and then slowly gets up and walks to the front door.

PHIL:  Wait!

Rosco turns around.

PHIL:  (staring at a deck of cards lying near the laptop)  Maybe we could . . .


PHIL: (shaking his head) Naw, that’s a stupid idea.  See you later.

Rosco leaves.