Have I talked about The Success of Suexliegh enough? I THINK NOT!!! To help relieve the horrendous pangs of Tax Day, I am giving away free copies of the unabridged The Success of Suexliegh audiobook! They are limited in quantity, so the first people to like/comment on this post will be the lucky winners of a story about the man who had everything.


The Dark Man

The Dark Man
Written by Stephen King

Finally, after years of searching for the perfect piece in his bibliography (one that was under five minutes and that hadn’t already been done by someone more talented than myself), I have found a work of Stephen King to record.

My mother’s favorite author is Stephen King and there is no memory I have of the eighteen years I lived with the woman that did not include an entire bookcase containing most, if not all, of Mr. King’s books. It was only a matter of time before I picked one up and started to read it for myself. That occurred in the summer before I entered the 6th grade, and the book was The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger. I picked it up because the book had an utterly badass cover:


I mean, look at that thing. I knew Stephen King as an author who primarily wrote about creepy ass things happening to authors and children in Maine, but a cowboy? With a crow? What the fuck is the dark tower? And why the hell is its distant shadow above the sunset?! That ain’t no physics I ever heard of. I opened the book and read it twice. I had no idea what the hell was going on, but I did know I loved it. I would spend the next sixteen years, more than half my life, riding the Dark Tower train, and I’m excited to narrate something directly attached to the DT universe.

For those of you who don’t know, The Dark Tower series is King’s self-described magnum opus, and it is connected to many of his other works. It details the adventure of Roland, a gunslinger (a sort of western knight) in a land that has “moved on”, and his quest to reach the dark tower. I could extrapolate more, but I’m not sure it would make much sense (Ka like the wind; I aim with my eye, shoot with my mind, and kill with my heart; 19; Bango Skank; I’ma kill all dem honk muhfuhs; I left the world I knew to watch a kid try to put booties on a fucked-up weasel; Blaine’s a pain; Go then. There are other worlds than these.) If you like sweeping sagas full of violence, honor, love, destiny, betrayal, loyalty, friendship, lots o’ shooting, and some simply fucked up shit, then pick up The Gunslinger and thank me later.

This poem deals with one of Roland’s main antagonists, a wizard who goes by many names and many faces but always wreaks chaos and destruction wherever he treads. I hope I do the character justice. Stephen King is one of my artistic heroes. His words have been a part of my life since the day I was born, and so I hope I do the work justice. If I have fallen short, I cry your pardon. If I have done well and remembered the face of my father, then I say thank ya, big big.

Note to Stephen King, if he happens upon this: If a phone call/IM online chat thingy between you and I could be arranged, I have one question I have been dying to ask you. It’s not for a job or a critique on my own work; just a question that popped into my head after reading a lot of your stuff. Thanks for doing what you do, and for all the books.


Written by George Ding
Narrated by Nicolas D. Frantela
Music – Haunting by Cerulean Crayons

(Heads up – It had to be split into two part.  If you have YouTube Annotations on, a link to the second part should come up.)

Why is it that so many of my friends are authors?  Here is another talented friend that I met in college.  George and I met on the very first day at college when I had just moved into the dorm.  We were in line to get “complimentary” pizza (when you pay $160,000 on a college education, I don’t consider anything complimentary; you’re paying for it all), and started to chitchat a little.  I mentioned that I was an actor and he asked what plays I had done.  Not knowing how acclimated to the world of theatre he was, I picked well-known pieces (Gypsy, Anything Goes, Death of a Salesman), to which he gave no reaction.  I decided to tell him some of the more abstract pieces I had been in (Marat/Sade, a circus show called Anonymity, No Exit), even though I was pretty sure he would also stare blankly back at me.  Instead, his eyes went wide, he gripped my shoulders with his hands, and said louder than I think he realized, “YOU ACTUALLY SPOKE THE LINE ‘HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE’!”  Turns out that George was an existentialist and loved Sartre.  Extremely smart, with a dry wit that can actually cut you, George is a writer and director, and one of my best friends.  I just wish the bastard would move back from China already.

George has his own column (er, page) in The Bejinger, and also writes for Vice and The Ministry of Harmony.  You can also check out more about him at

Dick Figures Shots – Lord Tourettes

lt03Down right bipolar.

The people have spoken.  The voices have been heard.  The call has been heeded.

The response to the original Dickfigures Shots was tremendous, and I was given a lot of feedback.  Although a few comments doubted that the drinks would taste good.  All I have to say to those people is: 1) Don’t knock it until you try it; and 2) YOU DOUBT MY ABILITIES?!  Some of them only wanted to know when the next season was coming out (it’s gonna be soon, everybody!).   Most of the fans, however, loved the idea and couldn’t wait to try it out.  But after reading them all, I noticed that people were craving a shot based on their favorite character of the series, which was neither Red nor Blue.  Thus, I decided to create one more Dickfigure shot to thank the fans for their comments (and hits as I was able to get to 200,000 overall views the day it posted), as a challenge to create something that would match the character, and because I adore drinking anything that’s green.   And thus we have –

Just you nevermind that the bottle of absinthe is half empty.  IT'S RESEARCH, PEOPLE!

Just you nevermind that the bottle of absinthe is half empty. IT’S RESEARCH, PEOPLE!

Lord Tourettes Shot

This one took me awhile before I was able to get the right mix.  The inherent traits of the character mean that the drink had to be loving and batshit crazy all at once.  I wasn’t sure how to do that at first.  Should I use something spicy?  I thought about using Red Hots to signify the rage (being both spicy and red), but felt that people would just end up swallowing the candy like a pill when they took the shot which is a waste of good confectioneries, and if that isn’t punishable by law then what use is the legal system?

"I once sent a man to the chair for not finishing his jawbreaker."

“I once sent a man to the chair for not finishing his jawbreaker.”

I didn’t want to use hot sauce as that would probably fuck up the greenness of the thing.  Luckily, the fans provided some insight on what could be done and the solution is extremely pleasant.


– 1 part Absinthe
– 1 part Lime Juice, freshly squeezed
– 1 part Red Bull: Silver Edition
– Whipped Cream
– Green Food Dye

Fuck, absinthe is expensive.

I used absinthe because it’s green and it’s alcohol (cocktail – liquor = soft drink, and I don’t play that kind of shit), Red Bull: Silver Edition because it brings that high-energy aspect and because I used it in the other two shots, and the juice from one lime to represent the crazygonutsrage LT can’t stop himself from flying into.  Add whipped cream to the top to represent LT’s sweeter nature (and his hat), and lo, you have your drink.

Do I need to write directions?  I sort of told you how to make it with the last paragraph.

ltgagFine.  FINE.  JEEZUS.

  • Take a room temperature lime and roll it in your hands and on a table to release the juices.  Cut it open and juice that sucker into a glass.  I would recommend doing this through a sieve to filter out the pulp.
  • Fill your shot glass (a tall or double shot glass if you got it) with equal parts of the juice, absinthe, and Red Bull.
  • Top with whipped cream.
  • Add a few drops of green dye to the whipped cream.

Could I have made the whipped cream myself, thereby allowing me to dye all of it green?  Yes, I could have done that.  Why didn’t I?  Because although homemade whipped cream is delicious, it’s no where near as fun as the stuff in the can; the process of tilting your head back and instantly filling your mouth through a gar-powered funnel with that soul-satisfying “HHHKHKHOOOOOO” sound simply cannot be beat.  Plus, it’s easier to build a tower for a hat.

  • Drink.

The drink is shocking, much like Lord Tourettes.  The anise in the absinthe isn’t as overpowering as you would think.  In fact, the absinthe takes a backseat to the sour power of the lime juice.  It’s not too sour, though, for the Red Bull: Silver Edition (which is lime flavored) and the whipped cream takes the edge off.  It’s a drink that makes you happy and a little taken aback at the same time.


Here is the recipe card for the Lord Tourettes Shot.  Meanwhile, stay tuned for the latest season of Dick Figures, or better yet, check out Dick Figures The Movie.  You can also go and get the audiobook Zack Keller’s first novel The Success of Suexliegh, available on Amazon, Audible, and iTunes.  Or stroll around to to see more information on his other literary works, such as the second part of Meet Me At The Falls, and his sophomore novel, Penwell.  You can also take a gander at the work of Ed Skudder, the other creator of Dick Figures, on Tumblr and YouTube.  Massive kudos to Jess, whoever you are, for chiming in with an idea for this shot!

The Success of Suexliegh – Chapter 9

So I forgot a chapter.  It’s all in order on YouTube, so quit your whining.

If you have enjoyed the first ten chapters of The Success of Suexliegh, written by  Zack Keller, original music from Nick Keller, and read by my own tongue, then you can pick up a copy of the full audiobook on Amazon, Audible, and iTunes.  Here’s a tip: if you’re new Audible, you can get the book for free when you sign up!  STICK IT TO THE MAN (please be aware that this deal is strongly encouraged by The Man).

The Success of Suexliegh – Chapter 10 AND BEYOND


Here is the last of the free chapters of The Success of Suexliegh, written by my good friend and storymaster Zack Keller, along with original music from his younger brother, Nick Keller, who can write a glorious piece of music faster than it takes me to ask him for it.  And thus ends Suexliegh’s reign on this blog.  I hope I have been able to whet your appetite for the quirky characters, zany situations, and oh so many puns that will make you grin, groan, and develop a brain aneurysm all at the same time, that you go out and get yourself a copy of the book, which you can actually get dirt cheap for all the entertainment you’ll garner from it.


Starting today, you can also buy yourself a copy of the full, unabridged audiobook version of The Success of Suexliegh, available on Amazon, Audible, and iTunes, read by yours truly (of course), and with even more original music from Nick Keller.  It’s been months in the making and a true labor of love for all involved, which shows.  Give a present to your ears and download the audiobook today.  If you like it, buy one for your friends.  If you hate it, then buy one for your enemies (or force them to buy it for themselves with threats of chainsaw violence).  Either way, a fun time will be had by all!

The Success of Suexliegh – Chapter 8

Regular readers/listeners (although probably not so regular now) might have noticed that I haven’t posted in a while.  That’s because I have been busting my butt to get the full audiobook of The Success of Suexliegh finished and out the door, an event which I am happy to say is almost upon us.  But I have been making cartoons all this while, and hope to start posting weekly pretty soon.

The Success of Suexliegh

Written by Zack Keller –
Narrated by Nicolas D. Frantela –
Music by Nick Keller –

Paperback and ebook editions available on Amazon –