Down right bipolar.
The people have spoken. The voices have been heard. The call has been heeded.
The response to the original Dickfigures Shots was tremendous, and I was given a lot of feedback. Although a few comments doubted that the drinks would taste good. All I have to say to those people is: 1) Don’t knock it until you try it; and 2) YOU DOUBT MY ABILITIES?! Some of them only wanted to know when the next season was coming out (it’s gonna be soon, everybody!). Most of the fans, however, loved the idea and couldn’t wait to try it out. But after reading them all, I noticed that people were craving a shot based on their favorite character of the series, which was neither Red nor Blue. Thus, I decided to create one more Dickfigure shot to thank the fans for their comments (and hits as I was able to get to 200,000 overall views the day it posted), as a challenge to create something that would match the character, and because I adore drinking anything that’s green. And thus we have –
Lord Tourettes Shot
This one took me awhile before I was able to get the right mix. The inherent traits of the character mean that the drink had to be loving and batshit crazy all at once. I wasn’t sure how to do that at first. Should I use something spicy? I thought about using Red Hots to signify the rage (being both spicy and red), but felt that people would just end up swallowing the candy like a pill when they took the shot which is a waste of good confectioneries, and if that isn’t punishable by law then what use is the legal system?
I didn’t want to use hot sauce as that would probably fuck up the greenness of the thing. Luckily, the fans provided some insight on what could be done and the solution is extremely pleasant.
– 1 part Absinthe
– 1 part Lime Juice, freshly squeezed
– 1 part Red Bull: Silver Edition
– Whipped Cream
– Green Food Dye
Fuck, absinthe is expensive.
I used absinthe because it’s green and it’s alcohol (cocktail – liquor = soft drink, and I don’t play that kind of shit), Red Bull: Silver Edition because it brings that high-energy aspect and because I used it in the other two shots, and the juice from one lime to represent the crazygonutsrage LT can’t stop himself from flying into. Add whipped cream to the top to represent LT’s sweeter nature (and his hat), and lo, you have your drink.
Do I need to write directions? I sort of told you how to make it with the last paragraph.
Fine. FINE. JEEZUS.
- Take a room temperature lime and roll it in your hands and on a table to release the juices. Cut it open and juice that sucker into a glass. I would recommend doing this through a sieve to filter out the pulp.
- Fill your shot glass (a tall or double shot glass if you got it) with equal parts of the juice, absinthe, and Red Bull.
- Top with whipped cream.
- Add a few drops of green dye to the whipped cream.
Could I have made the whipped cream myself, thereby allowing me to dye all of it green? Yes, I could have done that. Why didn’t I? Because although homemade whipped cream is delicious, it’s no where near as fun as the stuff in the can; the process of tilting your head back and instantly filling your mouth through a gar-powered funnel with that soul-satisfying “HHHKHKHOOOOOO” sound simply cannot be beat. Plus, it’s easier to build a tower for a hat.
The drink is shocking, much like Lord Tourettes. The anise in the absinthe isn’t as overpowering as you would think. In fact, the absinthe takes a backseat to the sour power of the lime juice. It’s not too sour, though, for the Red Bull: Silver Edition (which is lime flavored) and the whipped cream takes the edge off. It’s a drink that makes you happy and a little taken aback at the same time.
Here is the recipe card for the Lord Tourettes Shot. Meanwhile, stay tuned for the latest season of Dick Figures, or better yet, check out Dick Figures The Movie. You can also go and get the audiobook Zack Keller’s first novel The Success of Suexliegh, available on Amazon, Audible, and iTunes. Or stroll around to ZackKeller.com to see more information on his other literary works, such as the second part of Meet Me At The Falls, and his sophomore novel, Penwell. You can also take a gander at the work of Ed Skudder, the other creator of Dick Figures, on Tumblr and YouTube. Massive kudos to Jess, whoever you are, for chiming in with an idea for this shot!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS! As a gift to all you loyal readers/drinkers out there, I have decided to try and squeeze one more cocktail in before the year’s end. While talking with my friend and colleague Zack Keller about narrating his first book The Success of Suexliegh we segued into discussing Dick Figures (a web series about two idiotic stick figures doing moronic exploits amongst equally deranged characters) that he co-created. Since it’s impossible to have a conversation with me where I don’t mention alcohol somehow, the following exchange took place:
Me: Ooh ooh! Someone should make a Dick Figure cocktail.
Zack: Haha, that would be stupendous!
Me: All it would have to do is be red and blue.
Me: It’d be really easy.
Me: I’m gonna have to do it, aren’t I?
Zack: Since you were the one who lent word to thought, I would have to say, “Duh.”
Thusly was I sent forth by the creator himself to concoct the official tipple of the Dick Figures web series.
The Dick Figures Double Shot
My original intention was to create a layered drink, but all my experiments were more embalming than they were delicious and had a tendency to actually make me act like a dick. While that might be more in the spirit of the show, I concluded that it would be better for the drink to taste good with less douche-creating effects. So I ditched my “single drink” concept for a simpler “two shots of equal measure” idea. I just had to make sure each shot met certain criteria: they had to represent the main characters’ personalities; they had to match the zany, high-energy motif of the show; and they had to be red and blue.
– 2 Parts Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey
– 1 Part Jägermeister
– 1 Part Red Bull: Red Edition
– 2 Parts Peppermint Schnapps
– 1 Part Any Overly-Sweet Blue Liqueur (Kinky Blue, Hypnotiq, etc.)
– 1 Part Red Bull: Blue Edition
To my luck, Red Bull has created a red and a blue version of their drinks that are cranberry and blueberry flavored, respectively. Each shot gets a dash of Red Bull to give the imbiber enough of a boost to go out a kill a stegosaurus. Red’s is made with Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey to match his spicy and vivacious attitude, along with some Jägermeister to represent his fratboy mentality and backwards hat.
Blue is, by comparison, the smarter and calmer of the two, so he gets a good dose of chilly Peppermint Schnapps. He’s also kind of a pussy, so he gets a dash of whatever sickeningly sweet, always-goes-into-those-so-called “Girly Drinks”, bright blue liqueur you can get your hands on (I used Kinky Blue, but Hypnotiq would work just as well).
After making each shot, flip a coin to see which one you drink first. Then comes the “stupid” part of this cocktail:
- Drink one.
- Immediately drink the other.
If you want to add a bit more foolhardiness, you’ll down the rest of the Red Bulls, along with two beers, and then steal a cop car. Those aren’t necessary, though.
The shots are vastly different, but because they each have some fruity, berry action from the Red Bull, their flavors don’t clash at all. Drink, turn on those Intarnets, sit back, and let Red and Blue engross you from both the inside and the outside.
Here are recipe cards for Red and Blue. Meanwhile, stay tuned for the latest season of Dick Figures, or better yet, check out Dick Figures The Movie. You can also go and find the first ten chapters of Zack Keller’s The Success of Suexliegh audiobook, head over to Amazon where you can buy paperback and ebook copies, or stroll around to ZackKeller.com to see more information on his other literary works Meet Me At The Falls, and his sophomore novel, Penwell. You can also take a gander at the work of Ed Skudder, the other creator of Dick Figures, on Tumblr and YouTube. Massive kudos to the people at Dick Figure Wiki for their extreme attention to detail, which made finding examples for this article so easy.