John McClane Was a Cocaine-Induced Fever Dream

Bonnie Bedelia: John, where are your shoes?

John McClane:  GUY ON THE PLANE TOLD ME TO TAKE THEM OFF FOLLOW ME TO THE ROOF!  WE GO THROUGH THE CEILING I HAVE A LIGHTER DO YOU HAVE TAPE?  SWINGSWINGSWING FROM A FIRE HOSE, AIR WHIPWHIPWHIPPING THROUGH MY TOES!  WHY DO GERMANS FALL SO SLOW?

TWO YEARS LATER

John McClane:  WHAT’S GOING ON?!  CARL WINSLOW TALK TO ME!  CHRISTMAS SUCKS I LIKE AIRPLANES MORE WHEN THEY’RE ON FIRE, WEEEEEEE BEING AIRPORT BAGGAGE ROCKS!  I HATE SNOW, DON’T PUT SNOW IN THE THIRD ONE!  MOTHERFUCKINMOTHERFUCKERMOTHERFUCKINMOTHERFUCKER.

Bonnie Bedelia: You’re too crazy, I’m leaving you.

John McClane:  JEREMY IRONS, WHY AM I SO BAD AT LOVE?

Jermey Irons:  Vell . . .

John McClane: FUCK, ANOTHER GERMAN!

Jeremy Irons: Vear dis sign.

John McClane: BUT I DON’T HATE NIGGERS, DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN.

Samuel L. Jackson:  AAAHHHHHHHH!

John McClane: AAAAAHHHHHH!

Samuel L. Jackson:  AAAHHHHHHHH!

John McClane: AAAAAHHHHHH!

Samuel L. Jackson: I’m Zeus!

John McClane: WHAT, HOT WIRE THIS CAR!

Samuel L. Jackson:  You saying that cause I’m black?!

John McClane: WHAT, MOSTLY, YES.

Samuel L. Jackson: You racist!

John McClane: YOU’RE RACIST!

Samuel L. Jackson: What?!

John McClane: WHAT?

Samuel L. Jackson: Say what again!

John McClane: THAT’S A DIFFERENT MOVIE ZIPLINES WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  TRY TO CALL MY WIFE AND FIND LOVE AGAIN!

TWELVE YEARS LATER

John McClane: F**K, IT DIDN’T WORK AND NOW I’M BALD.  WHAT THE F**K IS THAT WHY AM I BLEEPED?!  PG-13 SUCKS!

Mary Elizabeth Olsen: Dad?

John McClane:  SHUT UP I HAVE TO STOP TERRORISTS AGAIN, NO WAIT THEY’RE ROBBERS!  THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY TO GET MONEY THAN TO BE FAKE TERRORISTS VIA COMPUTERS!

Justin Long: I’m good at computers!

John McClane punches Justin Long. 

John McClane: I DIDN’T KNOW I COULD DRIVE A SEMI, FIGHTER JETS ARE FOR PUSSIES!  I’M TOO OLD FOR PARKOUR BUT I CAN SHOOT A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!  YIPEE KAY YAY MOTHER FU –

Timothy Olyphant: You’re not supposed to curse.

John McClane: SHUT UP I HATE YOU SO MUCH I’M GOING TO SHOOT YOU THROUGH MYSELF.  BANG I WIN I ALWAYS WIN WINWINWINWINWINWINWINWIN!

Mary Elizabeth Olsen:  Dad?

"I LOVE COCAINE!"

* Idea for this was concocted by my good friend Time For More Cake.  You should check out his blog, A Man Chasin’ His Hat.