Dick Figures – The Shots

DFTHAPPY HOLIDAYS!  As a gift to all you loyal readers/drinkers out there, I have decided to try and squeeze one more cocktail in before the year’s end.  While talking with my friend and colleague Zack Keller about narrating his first book The Success of Suexliegh we segued into discussing Dick Figures (a web series about two idiotic stick figures doing moronic exploits amongst equally deranged characters) that he co-created.  Since it’s impossible to have a conversation with me where I don’t mention alcohol somehow, the following exchange took place:

Me: Ooh ooh!  Someone should make a Dick Figure cocktail.
Zack:  Haha, that would be stupendous!
Me:  All it would have to do is be red and blue.
Zack:  Totally.
Me:  It’d be really easy.
Zack:  Yes.
Me:  I’m gonna have to do it, aren’t I?
Zack: Since you were the one who lent word to thought, I would have to say, “Duh.”

Thusly was I sent forth by the creator himself to concoct the official tipple of the Dick Figures web series.

df01The Dick Figures Double Shot

My original intention was to create a layered drink, but all my experiments were more embalming than they were delicious and had a tendency to actually make me act like a dick.  While that might be more in the spirit of the show, I concluded that it would be better for the drink to taste good with less douche-creating effects.  So I ditched my “single drink” concept for a simpler “two shots of equal measure” idea.  I just had to make sure each shot met certain criteria: they had to represent the main characters’ personalities; they had to match the zany, high-energy motif of the show; and they had to be red and blue.


Red Shot
– 2 Parts Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey
– 1 Part Jägermeister
– 1 Part Red Bull: Red Edition


Blue Shot
– 2 Parts Peppermint Schnapps
– 1 Part Any Overly-Sweet Blue Liqueur (Kinky Blue, Hypnotiq, etc.)
– 1 Part Red Bull: Blue Edition

To my luck, Red Bull has created a red and a blue version of their drinks that are cranberry and blueberry flavored, respectively.  Each shot gets a dash of Red Bull to give the imbiber enough of a boost to go out a kill a stegosaurus.  Red’s is made with Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey to match his spicy and vivacious attitude, along with some Jägermeister to represent his fratboy mentality and backwards hat.


Blue is, by comparison, the smarter and calmer of the two, so he gets a good dose of chilly Peppermint Schnapps.  He’s also kind of a pussy, so he gets a dash of whatever sickeningly sweet, always-goes-into-those-so-called “Girly Drinks”, bright blue liqueur you can get your hands on (I used Kinky Blue, but Hypnotiq would work just as well).


After making each shot, flip a coin to see which one you drink first.  Then comes the “stupid” part of this cocktail:

  • Drink one.
  • Immediately drink the other.

If you want to add a bit more foolhardiness, you’ll down the rest of the Red Bulls, along with two beers, and then steal a cop car.  Those aren’t necessary, though.

The shots are vastly different, but because they each have some fruity, berry action from the Red Bull, their flavors don’t clash at all.  Drink, turn on those Intarnets, sit back, and let Red and Blue engross you from both the inside and the outside.



Here are recipe cards for Red and Blue.  Meanwhile, stay tuned for the latest season of Dick Figures, or better yet, check out Dick Figures The Movie.  You can also go and find the first ten chapters of Zack Keller’s The Success of Suexliegh audiobook, head over to Amazon where you can buy paperback and ebook copies, or stroll around to ZackKeller.com to see more information on his other literary works Meet Me At The Falls, and his sophomore novel, Penwell.  You can also take a gander at the work of Ed Skudder, the other creator of Dick Figures, on Tumblr and YouTube.  Massive kudos to the people at Dick Figure Wiki for their extreme attention to detail, which made finding examples for this article so easy.

Khan’s Wrath

khan's wrath (3)

The embodiment of vengeance.

Twas the opening weekend of J.J. Abrams’s latest Star Trek film, and my two compatriots and I decided to have a drink and go witness the movie firsthand.  To have a normal drink would not be suitable enough, so we agreed to create our own cocktails under a few fun guidelines.

  • They needed to be Star Trek themed;
  • They needed to be shots; and
  • They needed to contain rum.

We each came up with our own and did so quite successfully, if I do say so myself.  One guy came up with The Fuzzy Trible, a sort of Mai Tai with peach.  Another made The Spock Shot, a drink that consisted of two kinds of rum, blue curaçao, and peppermint schnapps.  You had to pick up the blue shot with the Vuclan salute, drink it, slam the glass down and then scream something logical.



Since the new Star Trek II had a revision of Khan, I found it only appropriate to pay homage to the original Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.  It needed to be fierce, bold, and full of rage.  Thus I present you –

khan's wrath (1)

Khan’s Wrath

– Spiced Rum
– Bacardi 151 (Warning – Fire is involved)
– Tapatio Hot Sauce

Don’t run away!  I know this drink screams “danger”, but it’s not that scary as long as you’re careful.  Trust me, I put a lot of thought into this drink: Spiced Rum to represent Ricardo Montalban, with his tanned skin, smooth demeanor, and being comfortable enough to wear this –

The Tapatio represents Khan’s intensity and Do-what-I-want attitude, and the blazing 151 to symbolize “The Wrath”.  So relax and have some courage; everything is thought out.

  • Fill ⅓ of a tall/double shot glass with the Tapatio.

I told you to relax, dammit!  This works, I swear.  You could just put in a drop, which would certainly look pretty, but doesn’t add enough flavor to the party.  Pour that shit in.

  • Fill up the rest of the shot glass with the Spiced Rum, stopping at least ¼” from the top.
  • Gently layer by pouring the Bacardi 151 down the side of the glass, leaving at least ⅛” empty.  You don’t want the rum to burn away before you can drink it, but you don’t want it to reach the rim of the glass either.  Liquid fire sounds badass, and it is, but it is not so much fun if you spill it all over yourself.

I think it’s kicking in.

  • Making sure the 151 is capped, and that the glass and any spills that might have occurred are wiped down, turn off the lights, and let the fires rise.
  • Take a picture.  It’s the law of the land now that you have to photograph your food if it’s on fire.
  • Smother the fire either with a dish or your hand (depending on what level of FUCK YEAH I’M AWESOME you are).
  • This part is a little tricky.  Instead of simply drinking it, you have to throw this drink at your mouth as the rim of the glass might be too hot for human lips.  You may want to keep a damp cloth nearby to cool the rim to a comfortable level.
  • Scream “KHAAAAAAAAN!!!”

The drink is like a mini-bloody mary, except instead of vodka you have rum, and instead of celery you have a tiny piece of inferno.  It’s got some kick, both in spice and alcohol content, so be forewarned.  As for my friends and I, we had a couple of rounds, went swimming, watched the original Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, ordered a 3’ wide pizza, had another round, watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, went swimming again, and then . . .

You know what?  We never saw the new Star Trek movie that day.  I guess the thought will have to do.


khan's wrath

The Family of Regrets

Many a time had a drink have I
And some of those to quite an excess
Hung over the next day as I wake with the dawn
Has become a common occurrence
I’ve discovered that hangovers are unalike
Some as different as night and day
It entirely depends on which liquor you drank
That will determine the suffering at play
Wine will leave a headache, dull and annoying
Not horrible but also not pleasant
While the headache from Gin is like a spike in your face
A pain akin to the might of God’s judgement
I’ve always found myself queasy and nauseous
When Vodka has been filling my bucket
Yet when it’s Beer, I find myself bursting
And becoming uncomfortably intimate with my toilet
Though Whiskey comes in many forms
The same outcome will always occur
Whether it be Irish, Scotch, Bourbon, or Rye
Fuzzy head, achy body, and double vision ablur
And last but not least, the worst one of all
That is a combination of those that came before
All light, all sound, even breath causes pain
Because Tequila wants you to die on the floor
With each of these maladies I have become well-acquainted
They’re as familiar as the back of my hand
Yet I continue to drink, despite all the pain
Because who wants their life to be bland?


The Tony-Boy

tonyboy (2)Earthy, sweet, and smoky. 

My grandfather loved cognac.  His favorite drink involved pouring a large amount of Hennessy into Coca-Cola, and then stirring it up until all the bubbles were gone.  I thought the drink was disgusting (might as well have just poured the Hennessy straight into corn syrup), but after a few sips you were too drunk to notice.  So when my grandfather passed away earlier this year, we bought a case or two of Hennessy for the post-funeral reception.  We all gathered to celebrate my grandfather’s life and started off the festivities by drinking copious amounts of the cognac.

My role for the evening was as a cook; I spent most of my time in the kitchen preparing food or bouncing through the house topping off people’s drinks.  At the end of the evening when things were winding down, I stood in the kitchen talking with some of my relatives drinking cognac and coke.  Someone asked for a cup of coffee, so I made them one.  Now, it was most likely my level of inebriation and the power of suggestion (although I like to think it was my adventurous culinary spirit mixed with my zeal to be an originator) that caused me to pour some coffee into my cognac and coke.  My great-uncle gasped, “Boy, what the hell are you doing?!” to which my mother replied, “Have you met my son?”  But I was surprised by how the coffee played with the soda.  I made a note to myself to investigate further to see if I was onto something.

tonyboy (4)

The Tony-Boy

– 12 oz. of Coffee
– 24 cups of Water
– Coca-Cola
– Hennessy

No matter how many people like to think of themselves as mixologists and whip up something really fancy, simple is always better when it comes to cocktails.

I was excited to make a drink with coffee as I am a big fan of coffee and liquor mixed together, especially an Irish Coffee.  The perfect airport drink, the effect of the whiskey mixed with the buzz of caffeine always leaves me mellow yet motivated.  I have always felt that a day that starts off with Irish Coffee is going to lead to an adventure of grand and bizarre proportions: playing chess in the Russian district of your town with a guy who doesn’t speak a word of english and wears a bronze monocle, or shooting guns at old Ovaltine canisters in the middle of the desert while taking peyote and boiling cacti.

I’m gonna fight a bear . . . and then marry it.

Speaking of boiling, don’t do this with a hot cup of coffee.  A cold soda is refreshing, with little pops of coolness going off all over the place.  Heated bubbles, on the other hand, is like having a tiny police action going on in your mouth – there’s a lot of shouting and yelling, people are wearing riot gear, someone throws a rock, and then the firing begins.  It’s definitely an experience, but not a pleasant one.  As for the rest of the recipe:

  • Making iced coffee is like making normal coffee, except you use cold hot water and it takes all goddamn day.  You’re also going to have to make a lot of it, as all of the recipes for making iced coffee by the glass are not good at all.  Get a big container that’s made of plastic; something like a large pitcher, a 8 qt. container, or a –

So I used a bucket, what of it?! It was clean.

  • Pour in the coffee, 24 motherfucking cups of water, cover, and let sit at room temp for eight hours or overnight.
  • Put a cheesecloth on a wire mesh and strain the liquid.  This will take longer than you would expect.  Then chill in the fridge, and BAM!  Iced coffee.
    • Don’t go brewing a normal cup of coffee and then letting it cool; your mother raised you better than that.  The cold-brew method creates a mellower flavor that won’t get diluted if you put ice in it.
Don't be fooled, there's at least five times more of this stuff right off-camera.

Don’t be fooled; there’s at least five times more of this stuff right off-camera.

  • Fill a Collins glass with ice ¾’s with Coca-Cola.
  • I have explained my theory on the proportions of my cocktails before, but if you want to be a “moderate drinker”, a shot or two of cognac will suffice.
  • Fill the rest of the glass with iced coffee.

It’s a very interesting drink.  It’s almost as if Coca-Cola debuted a new coffee-flavored Coke, and then poured in Hennessy to class it up.  Good for a hot summer morning, the caffeine of the coffee and coke will pep you right up, and if it doesn’t you still got 20 more cups of the blasted iced coffee to make your heart sound like Gene Krupa.  I dare not say my grandfather would have liked it, but it will always remind me of him, so I have named it The Tony-Boy which was his nickname.


tonyboy (3)

Am I An Alcoholic (And If So, Is That Okay?)

We were trying to decide what to do next.  Tired from the morning’s frivolities, our conversation had started to lull.  No movie peaked our interest.  I didn’t get cable.  The Wii was broken.  We had already eaten and were already drinking.  After weighing our options and ten minutes of silence, we decided to get the Wii fixed.  As I stood up to get my car keys, I lifted the glass of Seagram’s and 7-Up to my lips.  “I have learned nothing,” I thought to myself as I took one final sip before leaving,

In the summer of 2009, I attended a party where emotions had started to run high and I had started to drink heavier than usual.  I blacked out around 12:30am, stopped drinking around 1:00, and I left the house around 3:00.  I fell asleep at the wheel and ran into a lamppost on an empty street going about 30mph at 6:00am.  The police arrived, administered a field sobriety test, and arrested me for driving under the influence.  We arrived at the police station at 7:00am, where I blew a .19 on the breathalyzer.  Having a blood alcohol content of .19 means I had lost gross motor control, had poor reflexes and reaction times, and was at risk of having alcohol poisoning; and this was six hours after I had stopped drinking.  At the height of my drunkenness, I wouldn’t be surprised if my BAC was closer to .30, which is when you are at risk of, you know, death.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about my drinking habits and what led me to do something so incredibly stupid and reckless.  I can’t deny I had abused alcohol that night, but was I an alcoholic?  My gut reaction, anyone’s gut reaction really, was to say hell no I’m not an alcoholic, I just love to drink.  No matter how many different ways you say that, it’s always bullshit, particularly in my case.  I was in a bar drinking the night after I got out of jail.  Instead of taking my totaled-beyond-repair car as a sign that I had a problem, I looked at the reality of my friends having to drive me everywhere as an invitation to drink more.  I was walking everywhere: to work, to the grocery store, to the courthouse, and especially to one of the eight liquor stores in my neighborhood, where I discovered that alcohol comes in tinier, easy-to-finish-in-one-night bottles.  I drank myself to sleep every night for seven months.

Despite all the evidence in favor of the idea, I never felt like an alcoholic (although to be fair I don’t know what being an alcoholic should feel like), and yet something was going on.  I liked drinking a lot, but other than the DUI and almost killing myself, it was hard to see the negatives of my lifestyle.  Hangovers?  A mere nuisance, nothing more.  The opinions of others?  If I had really cared about those I doubt I would have been drinking so heavily in the first place.  Impact on my health?  Shit, I was just glad to be alive.  I assured myself I was doing all right and slammed back Gin & Tonics like I would win something if I kept at it.  The upsides always outweighed the downs and I probably would have continued drinking in this manner if I wasn’t so goddamn pedantic.

I am a person who likes control, but if life has taught me anything it’s that we have no control over most of the crazy crap that happens to us.  What we do have control over is ourselves and our actions, and that is extremely important to me.  When I would drink too much and blackout (where you are no longer in control of what you say or do but continue to say and do things), it was extremely disconcerting.  While it was not unusual for me to pass out in the chair at my desk at home, when I woke up one morning and found that the glass I had distinctly remembered leaving at my computer was instead on my nightstand, I started to panic.  Most likely I had the glass in my hand when I moved from the chair to my bed, but I didn’t recall doing it.  What else had I done?  What else had I done during those seven months I did nothing but drink?  What else could I have done the night that I crashed into a light pole?  The possibilities were vaster than I felt comfortable with.  I stopped drinking that very moment until I figured out what the hell was going on.

Once I started to go to bed because I was actually tired instead of drunk, I began to realize that my substance abuse was caused by my deep-seeded fear and anger at post-college life.  I was no where near where I wanted to be and considered myself a complete failure at the decrepit age of 24.  I blamed myself for it all and believed that I deserved nothing but hardship.   It’s easy to see how I could lose control with that mindset; if you never give yourself a break, you’ll end up breaking yourself.  I delved head first into the hellish introspection that one has to go through to discover that they are actually worth a damn, what Douglas Adams’ called the “long dark tea-time of the soul”.  I started to lose weight and get fit.  I got myself an awesome new car.  I got into a relationship that made me feel attractive and wanted (although the relationship ended after three months because she was straight up bananas).  I still drank, but never on a weekday and never ever in the quantities that I used to.  I had walked to the brink, dangled over the edge, and walked away with only a few scars.

I never answered the question though.  Am I an alcoholic?  I had been to many court-assigned AA meetings and had seen people who were not just dangling on the brink but in the process of falling off.  I knew for certain I wasn’t one of them, and yet I couldn’t answer the question with a definite no.  A sober person would never have done the things that I had done and lived the way that I did.  But being an alcoholic is a black and white issue, isn’t it?  You either are or you aren’t, right?

The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD) has a twenty question Alcohol Abuse Self-Test, with questions like, “Can you handle more alcohol now than when you first started to drink?” and, “Are you having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems as a result of your drinking?”  Answer “Yes” to a question and you add one point to your score.  If, at the end of the test you have two or more points, you are at greater risk of being an alcoholic.  A score between two and eight, and you “should consider arranging a personal meeting with a professional who has experience in the evaluation of alcohol problems.”  Anything above an eight, and you’re an alcoholic.  The NCADD does state that the test is educational and not medical in nature, and the results should not be considered as a diagnosis of alcoholism, but if you answer yes to “Do you sometimes stay drunk for several days at a time?“ it’d be hard to not be labeled as a booze hound.  After taking the test just now I scored a six, so obviously I still have some issues.

But I don’t think it’s that obvious.  I have a steady job.  I’m involved in a healthy romantic relationship of two years and going.  I exercise, eat right, and (other than a few extra pounds) am pretty healthy.  I never feel an unexplainable lust for alcohol.  I have consulted with AA sponsors and counselors just to make sure, and none of them said they felt like I had an abuse problem.  So why do I still feel like an alcoholic?

Because I am an alcoholic.  The issue is a black and white one, and if you are, you are for the rest of your life; and yet I am okay with being an alcoholic.

There are the people that are labeled alcoholics because they enjoy drinking, go on binge about once a year, don’t mind drinking alone (and prefer it in many cases), and they are never ashamed that they do so.  For these people, alcohol is a hobby, one they love to practice whenever possible.  They are social alcoholics, deemed somewhat less than because they admit that it feels good to drink.  Everything comes with a price, however, for when you dance on the edge of the precipice, there is always a risk of falling off.  Social alcoholics are always in danger of becoming the big alcoholics and at one point in their lives, they usually do.  I did.

There are those who demonize all substance-use as substance-abuse and consider anyone who indulges in drugs or liquor as people with a problem.  They hold nothing but disdain and pity in their hearts for drinkers.  The feeling is mutual.  The author James Crumley once wrote, “Son, never trust a man who doesn’t drink because he’s probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time.  And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They’re usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they’re a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can’t trust a man who’s afraid of himself.”  For me, it’s hard to trust a person who has never made a mistake or gone too far.  You learn something significant about yourself when you hit bottom, and it’s a testament to your strength and fortitude if you can pick yourself up and go on.  I’m not advocating that people should go out on a bender to truly explore every facet of life, but the people who have never had a drink, or who have the occasional eggnog at the Christmas party, and look down on others for their habits are nothing but snobs who only want to feel superior.

Drinking, or not drinking, doesn’t make you a good or bad person.  Using a substance doesn’t make you a bad person.  Being a judgmental asshole makes you a bad person.

So yeah, I’m an alcoholic.  I like to drink more often than the normal joe on the street, and I usually do . . . and I’m absolutely fine with that.

If you think you may have a problem, or would like to talk to someone, you can find information at the NCADD website, or call 1-800-622-2255 for immediate assistance.  Times can get tough, so please remember that you’re not alone and there are people who want to help.

Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger – Part III

(This is the finale of The Captain Solecistic Series.  To catch up, here is Part I and Part II.)

Radio tuning.  It finds a station, where all that can be heard is the sound of a boat on a lake.  Then there is a mechanical whir, a plop, and a grunt.

BILLY-JOE:  Good cast, mmhmm.

More ambient lake sounds.

ANNOUNCER:  And that’s all we have for this episode of “Fishing with Billy-Joe on the Radio”.  Tune in next week, when Billy-Joe almost catches a pike and then has to contend with the horrors of running out of chewing tobacco!  Now, let us wind down from Billy-Joe’s exciting saga with the latest episode of Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger!

A trumpet fanfare.

ANNOUNCER:  When last we saw our hero he had temporarily allied himself with his greatest nemesis, The Librarian, to discover the best route to get to The Jack of Trades, who is holding the town’s single whiskey distillery for ransom.  Luckily for the Captain, the distillery and the library are actually in the same building; something he would have known if his super powers hadn’t stripped him of his ability to read any sort of written symbol representing language!

CAPTAIN:  Or maps!

ANNOUNCER:   Yes, he surely is stupid, and yet his heart is pure and his might is just!  But will he get to The Jack of Trades before the distillery-library goes kablooey?  Will he be able to stop the bomb before it sends the town’s whiskey and book supply sky high?  Will the Illiterate Avenger be able to save the day in time?  We certainly hope so as the producers have had enough of superheroes with powers that make no earthly sense and are about to cancel the show – (breaking character) – wait, what?

PRODUCER:  Just keep reading.

The music changes to an ominous rumble.

ANNOUNCER:  (back in character)  We arrive on the scene inside the distillery, where The Jack of All Trades is talking to negotiators.

NEGOTIATOR:  Be more reasonable here, Jack.  We’ll bring you $500 in silver dollars right now, but we need more time.  Whaddya say, huh?  $500, and you send out just the cheap stuff.  You know, as a show of good faith.

JACK:  You can’t buy me off with 500 dollar coins, copper.  It all stays until I have my money.

NEGOTIATOR:  But there aren’t that many silver dollars in the entire city!

JACK:  Then you best start asking the neighbors for sugar ‘cause I want my money!  And none of this new age gold coins with Sacagewasit on the front!  I want the good old JFK silver dollars.

NEGOTIATOR:  JFK wasn’t on the silver dollar, Eisenhower was.  Do you mean half dollar coins?

JACK:  Whatever, I just want to ones with JFK on them.

NEGOTIATOR:  Those haven’t been struck in more than a decade!  You want us to scrounge up ten million dollars in outdated fifty cent coins?

JACK:  And do it in one hour or else this booze factory is gonna see the hot end of a match.  I have it rigged so that if anything happens to me, the countdown begins and you won’t get in here in time to stop it.  AND MAKE SURE THOSE COINS ARE SHINY!!!

Jack hangs up.

JACK:  Hmmmm, I thought JFK was on the dollar.


The sound of objects flying through the air and smacking Jack in the face.

JACK:  Ow!  Who just threw a book at me?!

CAPTAIN:  It is I, Captain Solecistic!  And I have come to foil your plans to rid our fair city of wonderful liquor.

JACK:  Never, you illiterate nuisance.  Don’t come any closer or I’ll blow up this whole place.

CAPTAIN:  Give up Jack of All Trades for you have no hope of winning.

JACK:  I fail to see how throwing books at me is going to stop me from blowing this place up.

Another book flies through the air and hits Jack.

JACK:  Ow!  Stop that!

A gun fires.  Footsteps.

CAPTAIN:  (laughing)  Bullets can’t hurt me.

The gun fires again and there’s a sound of glass breaking.  The footsteps stop.

CAPTAIN:  Jack, you fiend!

JACK:  Every step you take towards me, I’ll shoot another bottle.

Pause.  Then there is one footstep, followed by one gunshot and one bottle breaking.  Pause.  Three steps, three shots, three breaking bottles.  Pause.  Captain then starts to run back and forth to test Jack, and Jack shoots one bottle for each of his many footsteps.  Phone rings, and Jack picks it up.

NEGOTIATOR:  We heard shots and breaking bottles Jack!  What’s going on in there?!

JACK:  I told you people to stay back or there would be consequences.

NEGOTIATOR:  None of my people have moved.  We’re not willing to risk any whiskey; it’s not like they’re people.

JACK:  Then what is this caped moron doing here?

NEGOTIATOR:  Caped?  Oh lord.  Is it Captain Solecistic?

JACK:  Yes.

NEGOTIATOR:  Can we talk to him?

JACK:  It’s for you?

Captain walks over to the phone.

CAPTAIN: Hi this is – (to Jack) – I took four steps by the way.

JACK:  Thanks.

Jack shoots four bottles.

CAPTAIN:  This is the Illiterate Avenger.

NEGOTIATOR:  Cap, could you just sit this one out?  You know the commish doesn’t like you interfering with police business.

CAPTAIN:  Don’t worry about me, good sir.  I can’t stand by and watch my city’s sanity being pushed to the brink by some madman.

NEGOTIATOR:  We just don’t want to lose any more of the hostages than we have to.

CAPTAIN:  Hostages?

NEGOTIATOR:  The whiskey!

CAPTAIN:  Well, by my count, he’s only shot 16 bottles –

Gunshot.  Bottle breaking.

CAPTAIN: 17 bottles.

NEGOTIATOR:  That’s what we’re talking about, Captain!  We know you’re just trying to help, but we need to placate this guy until we can take him out safely.

Pause.  Captain punches Jack, and he falls down.

CAPTAIN:  Taken care of.  I just knocked him out.


A beeping/ticking starts counting down.

CAPTAIN:  Oh look, the bombs started doing something.

NEGOTIATOR:  Is it counting down?

CAPTAIN:  (hesitating)  I . . .  I don’t know.  But given the context of the situation, I would say yes.

NEGOTIATOR:  How much time do we have?

CAPTAIN:  I don’t really know.

NEGOTIATOR:  You mean you can’t read numbers either?

CAPTAIN:  Or maps.  I can tell you that it looks like a stick, a couple of dots, a broken pitchfork and what I assume is a deformed shrimp.

NEGOTIATOR:  Oh my god.  Get out of their Captain, it’s about to blow!  Just grab as many bottles as you can on the way out!  We can sell them to the highest bidder and live like kings!

CAPTAIN:  Don’t worry, sir.  I have an idea.

The sound of captain struggling and then heavy footsteps.

ANNOUNCER:  As the countdown counts down, Captain Solecistic lifts the bomb and carries it away from the town’s liquor supply.  Not being able to take it outside lest he injures the good, hardworking police force, the Illiterate Avenger has only one other choice.

Bomb explodes.  Dust and debris fall to the ground.  And then clapping and cheering.  Captain Solecistic has changed back into Parker Gently and is dictating to Robbie.

PARKER:  With quick thinking, Captain Solecistic lifted the bomb single-handedly and rescued all the whiskey in town.  What was once Ruby City’s Drink n’ Read Book Depository & Distillery is now just Drink n’ Drink Distillery, as the mighty Captain ensured that all the damage was done to the town’s library, who no one ever used anyway.  No one was harmed, saved for an evil Librarian, and may he burn in the depths of the abyss with demonic fire peeling the wicked flesh from his bloody bones –

ROBBIE:  What did you say Mr. Gently?

PARKER:  Nothing, other than that Captain Solecistic has once again saved the day!  You get all that Robbie?

ROBBIE:  Yes sir.

PARKER:  Now let’s go get a drink.

ROBBIE:  But I’m underage.  See my ID?

PARKER:  Uhhhhhhh – (throws card to the ground, slaps Robbie) – don’t contradict your elders, young man.  Now off to the local tavern!

ANNOUNCER:  And that is the conclusion of this chapter of the Captain Solecistic!  We’d like to remind all you young’uns out there that we do not condone giving minors any of the cool, refreshing, fun, will totally make you cool with all the kids in the neighborhood, pleasures of whiskey!  Tune in next week –


ANNOUNCER:  – maybe tune in next week for another exciting tale of Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger!

old radio

The Eternal Loop Fall 2013 Trailer

Hear ye, hear ye!  The Eternal Loop is returning this week with all new posts!  Begone with the simple days of mere cartoons and plagiarized pictures of animals with humorous captions!  Let us welcome a return of articles, stories, poetry, videos, audiobooks, songs, recipes, and scripts!  HUZZAH!!!

It’s been awhile since I set myself to posting in my other categories, and since I found myself starting to go crazy once with the lack of creative output once again, I have planned out posts for the rest of the year.  I won’t be posting daily as I did in my first year, but I will be publishing in two more categories a week (for the doodle and animal lovers out there, I will continue posting Cartoons and Animal Thoughts every week).

And what a line-up I have planned for you all!  An in-depth examination of my drinking habits; one of the most bizarre recipes I’ve ever concocted; the release of the first few chapters of The Success of Suexliegh audiobook; the return of Knick-Knack Tales and Phil & Rosco skits; and, oh, so much more!

So keep your eyes peeled for new material that’s all original, all free, all right here for your viewing and listening pleasure.