HAPPY HOLIDAYS! As a gift to all you loyal readers/drinkers out there, I have decided to try and squeeze one more cocktail in before the year’s end. While talking with my friend and colleague Zack Keller about narrating his first book The Success of Suexliegh we segued into discussing Dick Figures (a web series about two idiotic stick figures doing moronic exploits amongst equally deranged characters) that he co-created. Since it’s impossible to have a conversation with me where I don’t mention alcohol somehow, the following exchange took place:
Me: Ooh ooh! Someone should make a Dick Figure cocktail.
Zack: Haha, that would be stupendous!
Me: All it would have to do is be red and blue.
Me: It’d be really easy.
Me: I’m gonna have to do it, aren’t I?
Zack: Since you were the one who lent word to thought, I would have to say, “Duh.”
Thusly was I sent forth by the creator himself to concoct the official tipple of the Dick Figures web series.
The Dick Figures Double Shot
My original intention was to create a layered drink, but all my experiments were more embalming than they were delicious and had a tendency to actually make me act like a dick. While that might be more in the spirit of the show, I concluded that it would be better for the drink to taste good with less douche-creating effects. So I ditched my “single drink” concept for a simpler “two shots of equal measure” idea. I just had to make sure each shot met certain criteria: they had to represent the main characters’ personalities; they had to match the zany, high-energy motif of the show; and they had to be red and blue.
– 2 Parts Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey
– 1 Part Jägermeister
– 1 Part Red Bull: Red Edition
– 2 Parts Peppermint Schnapps
– 1 Part Any Overly-Sweet Blue Liqueur (Kinky Blue, Hypnotiq, etc.)
– 1 Part Red Bull: Blue Edition
To my luck, Red Bull has created a red and a blue version of their drinks that are cranberry and blueberry flavored, respectively. Each shot gets a dash of Red Bull to give the imbiber enough of a boost to go out a kill a stegosaurus. Red’s is made with Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey to match his spicy and vivacious attitude, along with some Jägermeister to represent his fratboy mentality and backwards hat.
Blue is, by comparison, the smarter and calmer of the two, so he gets a good dose of chilly Peppermint Schnapps. He’s also kind of a pussy, so he gets a dash of whatever sickeningly sweet, always-goes-into-those-so-called “Girly Drinks”, bright blue liqueur you can get your hands on (I used Kinky Blue, but Hypnotiq would work just as well).
After making each shot, flip a coin to see which one you drink first. Then comes the “stupid” part of this cocktail:
- Drink one.
- Immediately drink the other.
If you want to add a bit more foolhardiness, you’ll down the rest of the Red Bulls, along with two beers, and then steal a cop car. Those aren’t necessary, though.
The shots are vastly different, but because they each have some fruity, berry action from the Red Bull, their flavors don’t clash at all. Drink, turn on those Intarnets, sit back, and let Red and Blue engross you from both the inside and the outside.
Here are recipe cards for Red and Blue. Meanwhile, stay tuned for the latest season of Dick Figures, or better yet, check out Dick Figures The Movie. You can also go and find the first ten chapters of Zack Keller’s The Success of Suexliegh audiobook, head over to Amazon where you can buy paperback and ebook copies, or stroll around to ZackKeller.com to see more information on his other literary works Meet Me At The Falls, and his sophomore novel, Penwell. You can also take a gander at the work of Ed Skudder, the other creator of Dick Figures, on Tumblr and YouTube. Massive kudos to the people at Dick Figure Wiki for their extreme attention to detail, which made finding examples for this article so easy.