Oh, You Pretty Things

Four guys sit around a table, playing poker.  A fifth chair is empty, with a hand of cards and very few chips left.  In the background, “Oh! You Pretty Things” has just started playing on the stereo.

Guy 1:  I just don’t see what the problem is.
Guy 2:  He’s a sore loser.
Guy 3:  And he always loses.
Guy 4:  Because he sucks at everything.
Guy 1:  He’s been losing this entire game and hasn’t done anything.
Guy 3:  That’s because he still has some chips left.
Guy 4:  Yeah.  The moment they’re gone, he’s gonna freak-the-fuck-out.
Guy 3:  Defcon 4, empty the missile silos freak out.
Guy 2:  Le Freak, c’est chic, freak out.
Guy 4:  David O. Russel I Heart Huckabees freak out.
Guy 1:  You’re exaggerating.
Guy 3:  We are not and you know it.
Guy 1:  We’ve all known each other since the third grade.  We can’t NOT invite him to hang out.

The sound of a toilet flushing comes from a nearby bathroom, followed by a running sink.  Guy 5 walks out of the bathroom.

Guy 5:  I’m getting another beer.  Anybody want one?

The guys around the table all decline.

Guy 2:  (whispering) I’m just saying next time he comes over, let’s do something that doesn’t involve any kind of competition.

Guy 5 sits down, with a newly opened beer.  They all start playing poker again.  An ante is made, everybody puts some chips in, cards are exchanged, and then the ante is raised.  Guy 5 looks down to his remaining few chips, looks at his hand, breathes a heavy sigh, and throws the rest of his chips in the pot. 

Guy 3:  I call.

Everybody shows their hands.  Not only does Guy 5 lose, his hand is the worst out of the all the hands.  Guy 5 calmly swigs his beer and sets it on the table.  He looks at the pile of chips in the center of the table.  The song in the background hits the chorus and the shot switches to slow motion as Guy 5 suddenly flips the table over.  Chips, cards, beer and pretzels go flying in all directions.  Guy 3 is soaked in beer, while Guy 4 falls backwards in his chair.  A close-up of Guy 5’s face shows him screaming in fury towards the ceiling, with veins popping out all over his head.  The chorus ends and the shot returns to normal.  The table in upended, and everything is a mess.  Guy 5 is panting.

Guy 3:  God dammit!
Guy 2:  This is what I was talking about!
Guy 5:  What happened?
Guy 4:  (getting up off the floor)  You went bat-shit crazy again!
Guy 3:  This was a new shirt!
Guy 2:  This is why I don’t want to invite you to games anymore.
Guy 5:  What?
Guy 2:  You’re always doing this!  Every time you lose –
Guy 3:  – which is anytime you fucking do anything, you spastic bastard –
Guy 2:  – you overreact, do something drastic and ruin the entire day!
Guy 5:  No I don’t.
Guy 2:  Yes you do!
Guy 4:  Every time!
Guy 1:  Come on, not every time.
Guy 3:  Every time.
Guy 5:  No I don’t!
Guy 4:  You don’t even realize you’re doing it, you’re so insane.
Guy 5:  What?  I’ve never done anything like this before.
Guy 2 – 4:  Dude!

Guy 5 looks at Guy 1.

Guy 5:  Is this some kind of joke?  What are they talking about?
Guy 1:  Well . . .

As the chorus hits once again, a series of slow motion shots show Guy 5 freaking out while playing different games/sports.

– Ripping a frisbee in half.
– Ripping a football in half.
– Ripping a basketball in half.
– Ripping a baseball apart.
– Ripping a tennis racket apart.
– Bending a golf club.
– Throwing darts at the guys, one of which is stuck in Guy 4’s head.
– Choking Guy 1 with a pool cue on a pool table.
– Lifting Guy 3 over his head while playing football.
– Jumping up and down on a game console.
– Chasing after the other guys on a shuffleboard court.
– Tearing the net off of a volleyball court.
– Flipping a table over with a Monopoly board on it.
– Flipping a table over with a Jenga game on it.
– Flipping a table over with a Mousetrap board on it.
– Flipping a table over with Magic cards on it.
– Flipping a table over with Yahtzee on it.
– Flipping a table over with an unfinished puzzle on it.
– Using a bicycle to knock off another cycler passing by after a race.
– Losing at arm wrestling with Guy 2, whom Guy 5 then punches.
– Firing at the other guys on a skeet shooting range.
– A close-up of Guy 5’s face in each of the scenarios with the same look of unquenchable rage on it.


Guy 5:  I never knew.
Guy 2:  Well, now you do.
Guy 5:  I’m sorry guys.
Guy 1:  It’s not a problem.
Guy 3:  It is a problem.  You need to calm down.
Guy 4:  Meditate.  Do yoga.  Learn to knit.
Guy 2:  Anything but compete.
Guy 1:  Don’t be so hard on him –
Guy 5:  No, they’re right.  I guess I have tendency to overreact.  I work on it.  But in the meantime, listen, why don’t I clean this up and then take everyone out to dinner?  And because I’ve been acting like a dick for all these years, it’s on me.

They all nod that this proposal is acceptable.  Guy 5 picks up the table and poker supplies.

Guy 1:  Who’s going to drive?
Guy 3:  I will; my car’s the biggest.
Guy 4 and 5:  SHOTGUN!


Guy 5:  Flip you for it?
Guy 4:  Uhhh . . .  why don’t you just take it –
Guy 5:  No no, I gotta learn to be a fair sport.  (Takes out a quarter, tosses and catches it, and puts his hand over the coin.)  Call it.
Guy 4:  (looking at the others)  Why don’t you call it.
Guy 5:  Okay.  Heads.  (He uncovers the coin.)  Tails.  See?  I’m just fine.  Not a problem.  No tantrum.

Guy 5 walks out.  The rest stand in silence for a moment.

Guy 1:  See?  He’s already getting better –

A car door smashes through the window.  They all look to see Guy 5 ripping a car apart.

Guy 2:  Better my ass.
Guy 3:  My car!

You got something to say? Go ahead, I dare ya . . .

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