Phil and Rosco Discover the Meaning of True Love

Phil and his wife are having dinner out with Rosco and his new girlfriend Belinda.  They are all at a fancy restaurant, in nice clothing, chatting over wine.

PHIL’S WIFE: (laughing)  It’s so great to get out on the town.  It’s hard to get Phil out of the house these days.

PHIL: I’m right here.

BELINDA: We’re out all the time, but it’s always to crazy and strange places.  I find it relaxing just to sit down and eat a simple dinner with this one.

She gestures to Rosco, who is stuffing leftover appetizer bread into his jacket pockets.

ROSCO: I enjoy the fast lane, what can I say?

PHIL’S WIFE:  So how long have you two been seeing each other?

BELINDA:  About seven months now.

ROSCO:  Six.  Seven months ago I was still stuck in that jail cell in Tijuana.

PHIL:  What’d they lock you up for again?

ROSCO:  Something having to do with trying to steal a bunch of chickens.  I honestly don’t remember though.

PHIL’S WIFE:  I’m surprised we haven’t met until now.  Ros usually brings all of his friends by our house the moment he meets them.

ROSCO:  Yeah, I had to twist his arm to set this up.  Although, to tell you the truth, I feel like I know Phil already with as much as Ros talks about him.

PHIL’S WIFE: (sighing) Yeah, these two are pretty inseparable.

BELINDA: I was beginning to think he was hiding me from Phil.

Phil and Rosco start laughing.

PHIL:  That’s preposterous; you’re lovely.

ROSCO:  I told him so.

PHIL’S WIFE: He was probably hiding Phil from you.

PHIL: That sounds more plausible.

PHIL’S WIFE: They’re very protective of each other.

BELINDA: I guess.

ROSCO:  We’ve been building on this friendship for several years now.  It’s like taking care of a car you built from scratch.

BELINDA: When did you two meet each other?

PHIL:  In college.  We roomed together for a year.

BELINDA: I can imagine what kind of crazy parties went on in that apartment.

PHIL:  Actually, we never had a party in that room.

PHIL’S WIFE: Really?

ROSCO:  Yeah.  We didn’t even really start drinking together until a couple of years later.

PHIL’S WIFE:  I never knew that . . .

ROSCO:  Yeah, I wasn’t much of a drinker until this guy came along.  Frankly, he was one suave shrug away from getting me totally wasted that year we lived together.

PHIL:  Really?

ROSCO:  Yeah.

PHIL: Now you tell me.

ROSCO:  Well, I never thought it was such a big deal.  One of the reasons I never drank before then was because I never had a good enough reason to drink.

PHIL:  Yeah.  If I’m honest, I felt the same way back then.

They both stop eating and look at each other.  Silence.

ROSCO:  Phil?

PHIL:  Ros?

Rosco reaches across the table, Phil extends his arm, and they grasp each other’s forearms as if they were knights greeting each other on the battlefield.

ROSCO: You give me a reason to drink.

Phil gasps.

PHIL: I . . . I’ve waited so long to hear that.

They share a moment. 

ROSCO:  WAITER!

A waiter appears.

ROSCO:  Two mugs of whiskey for the gentleman and I/

WAITER: Would you like a single or –

ROSCO:  Two MUGS of whiskey, pronto!

The waiter hurries off.  Phil’s Wife and Belinda simply sit and stare at the full grown men, who now have tears in their eyes.

BELINDA: Ros?

PHIL’S WIFE:  Shhh.  It’s best not to disturb them when they are in their “Bro-mance” Mode.

PHIL:  (not taking his eyes from Rosco) CURB THY TONGUE WHEN SPEAKING OF OUR LOVE, WENCH!

ROSCO: Yeah!

A waiter appears with two mugs.  Phil and Rosco each take one.  They look at each other, clink their mugs together, and then raise them high above their heads.  Silence.

PHIL & ROSCO: May we never go to hell, but always be on our way!

They quickly drink the mugs of whiskey in one go.  They slam down the mugs, share one final moment together, and then go back to eating their meal as if nothing happened.

BELINDA: What just happened?

ROSCO: Magic.

PHIL: (to his wife) You’re going to have to drive home.

PHIL’S WIFE: You don’t say . . .

ROSCO: Yeah, we have about fifteen minutes before we turn into blithering idiots.

PHIL’S WIFE:  I’ll get the check.

BELINDA:  That was crazy.

PHIL:  Not really, but you might want to finish your meal quickly.

They all eat.

ROSCO:  Wait . . . so are we, like, married now?

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