Unknown Spirits of the Modern World: The Chapeater

There are numerous gods of lost artifacts, many having evolved from older gods of long ago times that have modernized the objects they stand for (e.g. “Where did I tie up my horse?” to “Where did I park?”).  Others have not needed to update or change much as their embodied objects have more or less stayed the same over the centuries.  Some, however, have only relatively appeared and are often overlooked by even the newest gods.

Of the lost artifact gods (or “Losties” as they like to call themselves) the most prevalent are, of course, the Lord of Lost Keys, KeyKlar, and the great sock stealer Lintam, who reign over all the losties as they are some of the oldest.  But of the modern losties, there is one of the gods that is rarely paid notice to and yet he has touched many lives across the globe.  He is Chapeater, the God of Lost Chapstick.

Chapeater, or Wax Lippy Lips as he is known among the godsect, presides over all of the chapstick in the world.  Barely over 100 years old, Chapeater has never been a prevalent lord despite having impacted almost every modern life in first world countries.  Unlike KeyKlar, who fashions extravagant armor out of his boons, or Lintam who simply throws all of his boons into a large, mountainous pile, Chapeater has built himself a small cabin out of lost tubes of chapstick.  Located in the forests of Canada, Chapeater’s abode is small, uniform and symmetrical, no more than a large plastic box hidden in some trees.  “The cold climate is good for the chapstick,” Chapeater says, “because a lot of heat melts the balm.  It’s horrible when you wake up and you’re covered in slime.  I’d smell like a holistic medicine beach bum for weeks on end.”

Chapeater also remarked that his cabin is comprised entirely of old chapstick tubes with some of them dating back at least sixty years or so.  When I inquired as to why he doesn’t replace the tubes, or expand his cabin into a larger house, Chapeater says, “I’m a simple lostie.  I don’t need to have large piles of things or lavish costumes.  The size of this place gives me all the room I need.  A place to sleep, eat and work; anything else is extravagance.”

As to where all the chapstick that he has collected since finishing his cabin has gone, his name is all the explanation one needs.  “I eat them.  Turn the tube so the rest of the stick shows and then gobble gobble.  And now that chapstick is coming with all sorts of vitamins to help the skin and such, I have a much healthier diet.”

Despite being an ignored god, controversy has surrounded Chapeater since the 1980’s, when the God of Lost Pets proclaimed at the annual Lostie Convention that, “Chapeater’s inclusion into the Lostie sect is outrageous.  Humans don’t lose chapstick, they merely forget about it and then throw them away when they do find them.  He is a trash-digger, not a god.”

“I can understand the argument,” Chapeater tells us, “but the fact remains that this station still exists and that I hold the title.  How humans treat these artifacts is of little consequence in the end, for even if they throw them away they will always require more.  Then they will think, ‘Where did I put that last tube of chapstick?’, and then their discarded sticks become my boon.”

When asked whether he is worried that his station might one day become obsolete, Chapeater said, “No, I’m not worried in the slightest.  I mean, think about: Have you ever finished an entire tube of chapstick?”

You got something to say? Go ahead, I dare ya . . .

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