This Has to Be a Kind of False Advertising

I first started to be concerned when my feet stopped touching the ground.  I hovered a few inches off of the sidewalk as the gusts of wind blew around me.  Then I became quite alarmed as I shot up through the sky and began to float over my neighborhood.

You’d be surprised what you’d find while you’re dangling fifty feet in the air.  Fred Hunter, the vocational guidance counselor that lives a few houses down from me, doesn’t take good care of his pool, which is a shame because it’s the biggest in the area, by far.  Mr. Chapel, whose wife died early last spring, is apparently building a boat from large sheets of galvanized steel and what looks like empty tuna cans in his backyard.  But he still tends to the late Mrs. Chapel’s garden, which looks a bright and cheery as ever.  The new skylight that the Johnsons had installed in their bathroom looks great, although I can see Mrs. Johnson (who is looking fabulous now that she’s on that diet) stripping to take a bath.  I’ll have to warn them about people being able to see through that skylight while they’re naked.  Normally you wouldn’t worry about people floating fifty feet in the air, and yet here I am, and since the advertisement for this jacket appeared in the local neighborhood newsletter, I’m sure this sort of thing will start happening more and more.

I reach into one of the many pockets of this new jacket to find that advertisement, which I had been reading when I went for a walk this morning.  It appeared in the “ANOTHER MAN’S TRASH IS YOUR FORTUNE” ad section in the Walton Boulevard Gazette, a small bi-weekly newspaper that Miss Greiger prints out of her garage.  Right underneath the Loaf n’ Jug’s usual offer of “A Free Gallon of Milk When You Buy Four lbs. of Figs!” was this ad:

Get the all new, incredibly cheap Samfordtinnidonarrosonabergie Wind Jacket!  Made with groundbreaking technology straight from Newfoundland, this Samfordtinnidonarrosonabergie’s New Wind Jacket makes fighting against the wind a thing of the past.  Only $9.99!  Great for the explorer in you!

I was a little wary of the purchase, but I had recently left my jacket on the bus when I was returning from our neighborhood theater’s lackluster rendition of A Zoo Story and was in the market for a new jacket.  As long as the stitched stayed together, I figured I wouldn’t mind wearing a cheap jacket.  And the stitches had definitely stayed together.

I yelp a little as I pick up speed and start to flip backwards in the air.  I put out my arms and begin circling them forward, which helps to steady me back in a mostly upright position.  I look back to the ad and notice that there is a line of fine writing at the bottom of the page.

* Warning – This is not a “Wind Breaker” but a “Wind Catcher”.  All sales final; no refunds.

Oh, well that explains it, I think as I lift my arm to scratch my head and then bring it back quickly to my body as I am lifted another twenty feet into the air.  This is definitely a wonder, but I really think they should have led the as with the whole “Wind Catcher” business.  But then maybe a jacket that presupposes to make you fly might be categorized as a novelty item and wouldn’t sell as well.  I put the ad back in my pocket, and stare up into the sky.

I have no idea how I was going to get down, but at least it is a nice day.  The wind is incredibly strong and quite loud when you’re up this high.  I figure I’ll try to catch a bird when I want to get down in the hopes that I can at least get some attention.  But for now, it’s just nice to be outside. 

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