John McClane Was a Cocaine-Induced Fever Dream

Bonnie Bedelia: John, where are your shoes?

John McClane:  GUY ON THE PLANE TOLD ME TO TAKE THEM OFF FOLLOW ME TO THE ROOF!  WE GO THROUGH THE CEILING I HAVE A LIGHTER DO YOU HAVE TAPE?  SWINGSWINGSWING FROM A FIRE HOSE, AIR WHIPWHIPWHIPPING THROUGH MY TOES!  WHY DO GERMANS FALL SO SLOW?

TWO YEARS LATER

John McClane:  WHAT’S GOING ON?!  CARL WINSLOW TALK TO ME!  CHRISTMAS SUCKS I LIKE AIRPLANES MORE WHEN THEY’RE ON FIRE, WEEEEEEE BEING AIRPORT BAGGAGE ROCKS!  I HATE SNOW, DON’T PUT SNOW IN THE THIRD ONE!  MOTHERFUCKINMOTHERFUCKERMOTHERFUCKINMOTHERFUCKER.

Bonnie Bedelia: You’re too crazy, I’m leaving you.

John McClane:  JEREMY IRONS, WHY AM I SO BAD AT LOVE?

Jermey Irons:  Vell . . .

John McClane: FUCK, ANOTHER GERMAN!

Jeremy Irons: Vear dis sign.

John McClane: BUT I DON’T HATE NIGGERS, DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN.

Samuel L. Jackson:  AAAHHHHHHHH!

John McClane: AAAAAHHHHHH!

Samuel L. Jackson:  AAAHHHHHHHH!

John McClane: AAAAAHHHHHH!

Samuel L. Jackson: I’m Zeus!

John McClane: WHAT, HOT WIRE THIS CAR!

Samuel L. Jackson:  You saying that cause I’m black?!

John McClane: WHAT, MOSTLY, YES.

Samuel L. Jackson: You racist!

John McClane: YOU’RE RACIST!

Samuel L. Jackson: What?!

John McClane: WHAT?

Samuel L. Jackson: Say what again!

John McClane: THAT’S A DIFFERENT MOVIE ZIPLINES WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  TRY TO CALL MY WIFE AND FIND LOVE AGAIN!

TWELVE YEARS LATER

John McClane: F**K, IT DIDN’T WORK AND NOW I’M BALD.  WHAT THE F**K IS THAT WHY AM I BLEEPED?!  PG-13 SUCKS!

Mary Elizabeth Olsen: Dad?

John McClane:  SHUT UP I HAVE TO STOP TERRORISTS AGAIN, NO WAIT THEY’RE ROBBERS!  THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY TO GET MONEY THAN TO BE FAKE TERRORISTS VIA COMPUTERS!

Justin Long: I’m good at computers!

John McClane punches Justin Long. 

John McClane: I DIDN’T KNOW I COULD DRIVE A SEMI, FIGHTER JETS ARE FOR PUSSIES!  I’M TOO OLD FOR PARKOUR BUT I CAN SHOOT A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!  YIPEE KAY YAY MOTHER FU –

Timothy Olyphant: You’re not supposed to curse.

John McClane: SHUT UP I HATE YOU SO MUCH I’M GOING TO SHOOT YOU THROUGH MYSELF.  BANG I WIN I ALWAYS WIN WINWINWINWINWINWINWINWIN!

Mary Elizabeth Olsen:  Dad?

"I LOVE COCAINE!"

* Idea for this was concocted by my good friend Time For More Cake.  You should check out his blog, A Man Chasin’ His Hat.

Advertisements

One thought on “John McClane Was a Cocaine-Induced Fever Dream

  1. It could be possible…

    I was thinking today how the guy who he met on the plane in the first scene was gay and trying to pick John up. He was nervous the whole plane ride and didn’t know how to start a conversation til the end. Then he saw the gun and realized that NYC cops are usually not gay. He was a heartbroken businessman.

You got something to say? Go ahead, I dare ya . . .

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s