How To Kill Suave Spies #384

INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

The club is smokey and dark. Some lounge singer is singing an old, melancholic 20’s tune while a piano gently accompanies her. NICK DIAMOND enters the club, decked out in an expensive tux. He looks around and spots a table and walks over. LAO-TSU and GOON are sitting at the table, also dressed in tuxedos. Lao-Tsu is smoking a cigarette on a long cigarette holder, has a humongous wart on his chin and speaks in Russian accent. Goon has a large scar across one eye. Nick Diamond sits down across from them. They stare at each other.

NICK DIAMOND
Lao-Tsu.

LAO-TSU
Nick Diamond, it seems I underestimated you. I was sure you would not escape my super terror chamber of doom and despair.

NICK DIAMOND
Well, I have always been lucky with chambers, lava pits and those slow moving, spiked walls. Next time you should try a water tank filled with acid.

LAO-TSU
Really?

NICK DIAMOND
Yeah, I’m scared to death of those things.

LAO-TSU
(to Goon)
Make a note of this.

Goon takes a note pad out of his breast pocket and writes down “Acid Pool”.

LAO-TSU
Is there anything else that you would suggest?

NICK DIAMOND
Lots of men with big guns is always a good idea.

GOON
Acid . . . Pool . . . Big guns.

NICK DIAMOND
And maybe darts filled with Legionella pneumophila.

GOON
The what?

NICK DIAMOND
Legionella pneumophila.

GOON
Could you spell that for me?

Nick Diamond takes the pad and writes it down. He gives it back.

GOON
Thanks.

LAO-TSU
So the question is: what do I do with you now?

NICK DIAMOND
Give me what I came for Lao, and I’ll get out of your hair.

LAO-TSU
Ah, but what you seek I can not give you. I need the stone for my own devices.

NICK DIAMOND
You’re as ugly as you are stupid.  You need two stones to make the death lazer work, and you only have one. Now I have the other.

LAO-TSU
Oh, I’ll obtain it, one way or another.

NICK DIAMOND
You’ll never get away with it.

LAO-TSU
And who is going to stop me? You?

Lao-Tsu starts to laugh. Soon Goon joins in. Then Nick Diamond.  They all laugh together.

LAO-TSU
Enough. While your insolence amuses me, I am afraid that my only course of action is to kill you now. Barbo, advance on him.

Goon begins to rise. Nick Diamond quickly pulls a gun out of his coat.

NICK DIAMOND
Stay right there big guy.

Goon begins to sit down. Lao-Tsu pulls out a gun and points it at him.

LAO-TSU
Don’t you dare sit down.

GOON
But he’s pointing a gun at me.

LAO-TSU
So am I. I want you to kill him. I don’t pay you to not kill people.

GOON
But he has a god damned gun! He’ll shoot me if I move.

LAO-TSU
And I’ll shoot you if you don’t.

Goon looks back and forth.

GOON
I hate my job.

NICK DIAMOND
We’re getting no where with this.  Apey Fred, get him!

A man dressed like a monkey in a tux hops out of a plant and attacks Goon. They fight for the rest of the scene. Lao Tsu and Nick Diamond turn their guns on each other.

LAO-TSU
Waiter! Bring us two martinis.  This is going to be a long night.

A waiter brings over two martinis. They each drink one.

NICK DIAMOND
Good drink.

LAO-TSU
You think so? Mine was kind of bitter.

NICK DIAMOND
Well it’s not the best I’ve ever had, but it does the trick.

LAO-TSU
I certainly hope yours will.

NICK DIAMOND
What do you mean?

Lao-Tsu starts to laugh again.

LAO-TSU
I poisoned your drink. I wasn’t sure if you’d fall for it, but I figured a man who has a man-monkey as his partner isn’t playing with a full deck. You should be feeling the effects by now.

Nick Diamond has started sweating profusely. His nose is also bleeding.

NICK DIAMOND
It’s a little warm.

LAO-TSU
Now, I have the antidote, but you won’t get it for free.  I want the other stone, Nick Diamond.  You give it to me, and I’ll give you the antidote.

Nick Diamond thinks it over, coughs, and then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a colorful crystal. He throws it across the table. Lao-Tsu puts it away.

NICK DIAMOND
Now the antidote.

LAO-TSU
Well –

NICK DIAMOND
Don’t be a douchebag.

Lao-Tsu takes a vial of blue liquid and rolls it to Nick Diamond.  Nick Diamond quickly drinks it. He immediately starts to feel better. He sighs in relief.

LAO-TSU
HA! It was more poison!

CUT TO BLACK:

“HOW TO KILL SUAVE SPIES #384: THE ANTIDOTE IS ALSO POISON”

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