(Black. The sound of crowds moving into a space fills that stage. After awhile, they settle down and become silent. The stage then lights up in an array of colors, and the crowd starts to murmur with “oohs” and “ahs”. The lights grow brighter and brighter.)
VOICE: The minimum-facation process is starting. If you would all take your seats and grasp your belongings to your body. Before we begin, if you are carrying loose change in your pockets, please take it out and put it in the change jar that is being passed around. US metal currency does not shrink in the process, and will become an immediate danger if left around.
(An usher comes onstage wearing clothes that are all silver. He is holding a Styrofoam cup marked “Tips”. He goes center stage and waits there. A few tourists come on and put change in the cup. The usher then looks at the audience and shakes the cup at them, waiting to see if anyone gets up. If no one does, having the usher flip them off and walk off. If people do, have the usher wait, and then shake the cup at the rest of the audience. When it is all over, the usher looks at the part of the audience that didn’t pay and flips them off. He walks off stage.)
VOICE: Thank you. We are now beginning the minimum-facation process.
(The sound of a slide whistle is heard. It is long note, and gets louder as it goes on. The lights get brighter alongside the sound of the whistle. Then it all cuts off immediately. The stage is black and silent.)
VOICE: And now please welcome your tour guide and the winner of the Federal Mental Expedition Funneler Award two years running, Max.
(A spotlight hits center stage. Max walks out and stands in the spot. There are more “oohs” and “ahs”, as well as some clapping and flashes from cameras.)
MAX: Hello. Welcome to the inner workings of my brain, a.k.a., the Wonderful World of the Fucked Up. If I could have your attention please for a moment, we just need to go over a few details and then we will be on our way. First, please do not touch anything unless you are told to do otherwise. There are some dangerous and hazardous materials lying everywhere (pools of self doubt, puddles of embarrassment, barrels of negative energy) and by touching them you will inadvertently become part of my mind, and that will cost you an extra fifty-five dollars for the training course you will have to take to be a part of my brain, and $132.56 if you want to get out. Not to mention the damage to you depending on what you touch.
Two, if you are pregnant and/or have liver damage, you should leave now. This tour is not for you. You will want to go on the tour of the nerves of the left hand. It’s safe, clean (as I favor my right in most situations) and you will have a much better time exploring fingernails, as well as the feeling when I put my hands in peanut butter. Three, for the love of God, don’t make any noise when we near the ear canal. Not only do I not want to damage my drums, but it would also give me a headache. And if we are in here when that happens, none of us will be coming back. Four, and this is most important, there is no turning back once we get into the memory ducts. After them, we will have go to the core of my brain, which is twisted and confusing. To try and turn back without guidance would be a difficult task, and you would probably get lost.
So have we all got that? Good. Remember to only take pictures in designated areas and that there is a gift shop at the end of the tour. You can buy postcards, videos, sign the guest book, or take pictures with my inflated sense of self esteem. Okay? Let’s get started as I know some of you want to catch the four o’clock tram to the femur.
(Max walks off. The spotlight goes out.)