Phil and Rosco Discuss the Culinary Arts

Phil and Rosco are in the car.  They are drunk, but somehow driving safely.  

PHIL:  Is there any bar in this town that we’re not banned from?  This is a bustling city; there should be new ones popping up all over the place.

ROSCO:  I know.  We have to wait until the school year ends.

Pause.

PHIL:  What?

ROSCO:  Think about it –  a bunch of college kids, just graduated, think they’re all the shit and looking to start their own bar because they know how to run it better.

PHIL: (chuckles) Because they’re tired of paying high prices for watered drinks on club night.  Idiots.

ROSCO:  Exactly.  Fools don’t know that Tuesday is the day to go drinking.

PHIL:  Why do I feel like we’re in a Quentin Tarantino film?

ROSCO:  (pointing) Ooooo!  Let’s get Little Ceasar’s!

FIVE MINUTES LATER

Phil and Rosco are now eating a pizza and breadsticks.  Rosco is dipping breadsticks in a tiny plastic cup of marinara sauce and having difficulty because the car is bumping around.

ROSCO:  I still don’t get it.

PHIL:  Two guys in a car talking about food.  Straight out of Pulp Fiction.

Rosco spills marinara on his shirt.

ROSCO:   Dammit, they need to get rid of these little plastic cups.  They need to give us some professional shit.

PHIL:  Huh?

ROSCO:  You know, those little ceramic dishes that you always see on the Food Network filled with onion soup or something.

PHIL:  You mean bowls?

ROSCO:  No, not bowls.  They have a more -

PHIL:  Not bowls?

ROSCO:  No!  Not bowls.  They have a more exact name, a more specific name.

PHIL:  A scientific name for a bowl?

ROSCO:  Why are you dumber than me when you’re drunk?

PHIL:  Shhhhh!  Don’t say that while I’m driving, you’ll jinx us.

ROSCO:   Oh please, like a cop is going to pull us over in this part of town.

A police car flashes its lights and whoops its siren.  Phil pulls the car over, and looks at Rosco.

PHIL:  You son of a bitch.

One hour later.  Phil and Rosco are in jail, being kept in separate cells.  Each of their arms are hanging out of the bars.  Pause.

PHIL:  Ramekins?

Rosco’s clenches one of his hands in a triumphant fist.

ROSCO:  YES!

ramekins

A Remembered Argument

A man sits on the floor of his apartment, throwing a small blue ball against the wall and catching it as it bounces off.  His face is blank, and he stares off into space, not watching what he is doing.  The sound of the ball hitting the floor, the wall and being caught echoes through the apartment.

(The following scene is only heard as the man replays the events in his head.  We only see the scene through the furniture, objects and aftermath of the argument, as well as hear the sounds [shown in bold brackets] taking place around the argument.  And throughout the entire thing, we can still hear the sound of the ball hitting the wall.)

We see a dinner set up on the dining table.  The meal is over and we see one of the plates is almost empty.  There are two bottles – one champagne, the other sparkling cider – open on the table.  One  champagne flute is standing, mostly full, near the woman’s place.

MAN: [bottle popping open] And a glass of normal bubbly for me . . . [twist-off bottle opening] and a glass of non-boozey bubbly for you.  [Two glasses are filled.]
WOMAN:  I don’t get the normal bubbles?
MAN:  Not when you drink for two.  I won’t be lording it over you; this is my last drink until it’s over.  After that, we can go on a week bender.  We can bathe in the stuff.
WOMAN: Is that what all this is about?
MAN: All . . .?
WOMAN:  The dinner.  The sparkling cider.  The fact that the apartment is clean for once.

The apartment is very clean.  There are rose petals strewn across the floor and table.  On the walls are pictures of the couple: at parties, different locations, laughing, dancing, kissing.

MAN:  This apartment is always clean.
WOMAN:  The fact that I didn’t clean the apartment for once.
MAN:  I walked into that one.  I’m trying to get used to doing more housework for when your ankles are swollen and all you’ll want weird food like ice cream and mustard.
WOMAN: I like ice cream and mustard now.
MAN:  See?
WOMAN:  I’m not a blimp yet.
MAN: Practice.  You want me trying to figure out how to do this once the water breaks?
WOMAN:  Hmmm.  And is the dinner practice too?
MAN:  As well as a preemptive celebration to you saying, “I do.”
WOMAN:  Hmmmm.
MAN:  You said “a week” a week ago.  I realize it was kind of sudden, looking back on it, but seeing as we’re stuck together now we might as well, right?  . . . what?  [The ring is pushed across the table.]

We see the table from a different angle, reveiling the engagement ring that is between the bottles.

MAN:  Oh.  Guess ‘preemptive’ was the word.

We return to the man at the door, bouncing the ball.  His eyes have gotten watery.

MAN:  I mean, there’s nothing saying we have to get married; plenty of people have kids out of it.  I guess I just don’t understand.  We’ve been together eight years, lived together for five.  I just don’t -
WOMAN: Because I couldn’t.  I thought about it, I thought about it a lot, and I was having trouble breathing and  I couldn’t focus at work.  I yelled at my assistant the other day for no real reason. I just . . . I can’t.  I just -
MAN:  Okay.  It’s all right.  Umm.  I love you, that’s all that matters.  If you don’t want to get married -
WOMAN: – it’s not that -
MAN:  - if you don’t want to, that’s all right.  And it’s probably for the best.  We have a lot on our plate right now, and a wedding would just get in the way. As long as you’re here, it doesn’t matter what we call ourselves.  Maybe in a few years, thing’ll be different, maybe you’ll feel different and -
WOMAN:  No.  I won’t feel different.  That’s it.
MAN:  What?
WOMAN:  I’m . . . I’m going to be staying with Stacey for the next few nights.
MAN:  What are you saying?
WOMAN:  I’ll give you a call after that and we can figure out -
MAN:  No.  No.  You can’t do this, you can’t walk out.  [The woman gets up and takes her plate with her.]

One place at the table is empty, save the napkin that has been left.  

WOMAN:  I’m sorry –  [Running water.]
MAN:  You can’t just walk out.  Eight years, eight years together.  Were they bad?
WOMAN:  No.
MAN:  Then?  How long have you felt like this?
WOMAN:  Not long.
MAN:  Since I proposed?  [Running water shuts off.]

The woman’s plate and utensils sit on a drying rack near the kitchen sink.  They are still dripping onto the counter.

WOMAN:  Yes.  No.  It was before that.
MAN:  Why didn’t you talk to me?
WOMAN:  We’re talking now.
MAN:  Before now!  This is not talking!  This is not an exchange of ideas to come to a conclusion, to find a compromise, to work it out.  You’ve already worked it out!  [She walks back towards the dining room.]
WOMAN:  Baby, please -
MAN:  Baby!  We’re having a baby together, and you’re walking out because you got cold feet about a wedding you’ve said no to?
WOMAN:  No.
MAN:  No?
WOMAN:  No, that’s not why I have to leave.
MAN:  Then , “No,” what?
WOMAN:  No.  We’re not having a baby.
MAN:  Pardon?
WOMAN:  I’m not having a baby.  [Glass breaking.]

The man’s glass of champagne is broken on the floor.  Tiny bubbles can still be seen in the liquid.  The man at the door wipes tears away from his eyes without disturbing the cadence of the ball hitting the wall.

MAN:  What did you do?  [The woman grabs a towel and walks towards the spill, and starts to clean it up.]
WOMAN:  I’m not ready to have a kid.  I don’t know if I even want to have a kid -
MAN:  So you just up and have an abort – stop cleaning that and look at me!  [The man grabs the towel and throws it across the room.  The sound of something falling, and then of breaking glass.]

One of the pictures of the couple on the way was hit by the towel and fell to the floor, breaking the glass.  The towel sits, half wet with champagne, next to the broken picture.

WOMAN: – and then you proposed, and I couldn’t stand the thought of . . . of this happening, so -
MAN:  Well, it is.
WOMAN:  I just thought -
MAN:  You thought.  You would have known if you talked to me about it.
WOMAN:  You would have just guilt-tripped me into keeping it and into staying and then three, five, eight years down the road I would have wasted more of my life -
MAN:  Wasted?
WOMAN:  That’s not what I meant -
MAN:  What did you mean?
WOMAN:  It was just too much.  If it had just been the marriage, or maybe just . . . I could have managed.  But you just laid both on me -
MAN:  [The man stands.]  Don’t blame this shit on me!  I’m not the one who killed our baby and then tried to sneak away.
WOMAN:  I’m not blaming you.
MAN:  Without one word, not ONE word with me until it was too late to do anything about it.
WOMAN:  It’s my body -
MAN:  And it was my child!  A part of me was in there.  I may not have had to carry the thing, but you can’t say I wasn’t invested.  This isn’t about that.  Yes, I wanted you marry me; yes, I wanted a baby; I would’ve have fought for either of those, would’ve been hurt if you still decided to go that way, but I would have backed off after seeing you, hearing you.
WOMAN:  Please -
MAN:  But you couldn’t look me in the eye and tell me, could you?
WOMAN:  Oh god -
MAN:  Did you terminate before or after I asked you to marry me?  [The woman walks to the coffee table, picks up her purse.]
WOMAN:  I have to go.
MAN:  Why?  Stay here.  Talk to me.  I’m upset as shit, but I can forgive.  I still love you -
WOMAN:  No, you don’t –  [The woman opens the front door.  The man grabs her and turns her around.]
MAN:  I love you.
WOMAN:  You can’t.  Not after this.  I knew you wouldn’t be able to -
MAN:  We can work through this -
WOMAN:  Let me go.
MAN:  Not until you sit down and tell me why.
WOMAN:  I told you why, let me go -
MAN:  Bullshit.  Stay.
WOMAN:  Let me go.
MAN:  Please, don’t.
WOMAN:  Let me GO!  [Slap.]

Seeing a new angle on the man, we see that on one side of his face is a red mark in the shape of a hand.

WOMAN:  I’m sorry.  I can’t stay.  You say you can forgive . . . but you won’t.  You can’t.  I can’t . . . do it myself.  I can’t stay after this, it’s too much.  Let me go.  I’m sorry.  [The door closes.]

We now see the room and the chaos that was caused.  Half of the table is empty, an engagement ring sits alone between two bottles, a broken glass of champagne spreads across the floor, a picture of the couple is broken next to a used towel.  The man continues to hit the ball against the wall.  Cut to black.man-alone-empty-room-2854988828-1s00n2u

Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger – Part II

A radio clicks on.  Static is heard, as well as a high-pitched whine as the radio tunes to a good station.

ADVERTISER: . . . and you’ll never have to worry about blood stains again.  Now stayed tuned for the continuation of Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger, and remember that when the Captain needs to deal with those pesky bodily fluids, he uses Uncle Popee’s Excrete-A-Gone for the stains.

A trumpet fanfare.

ANNOUNCER:  Look up – er, down, at the street.  Who is that masked man, dashing through traffic and knocking over hot dog vendors with the greatest of ease?  Why, it’s none other than Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger, the superhero with the heart of a warrior, the strength of a giant, and the inability to read even the simplest instructions on a box of Poptarts that even a mentally challenged, blind 7-year old could read.

CAPTAIN: (from a distance) Hey!

ANNOUNCER:  He also has super-hearing!  In last week’s adventure, the newest villain to plague the streets of Ruby City, The Jack of Trades threatened to blow up the town’s whiskey distillery if, thereby crippling the entire adult male population, if his demands were not met.  The Captain dashed off to stop him, but he was foiled once again when he could not comprehend a map of the city.  Now he must consult with his greatest foe if he is to find a way to win the day!

LIBRARIAN: (stamping a book) And this is due back in two weeks.  Enjoy!

The sound of glass breaking.

CAPTAIN:  It is I, Captain Solecis –

LIBRARIAN:  Oh lord, not you again.

CAPTAIN:  Yes, me, Captain Sol –

LIBRARIAN:  Why can’t you leave us alone?!

CAPTAIN:  Captain –

LIBRARIAN:  First, you come and pee all over my desk, then you get struck by lightning, completely frying my computer, and now you’re over here every week asking for help reading every single piece of paper you find.

CAPTAIN:  Not every week.

LIBRARIAN:  EVERY WEEK!  And every time, you come through the window because you’re too stupid to read the signs pointing to the front door!  Huge glass windows are expensive, you know?!

CAPTAIN:  Well –

LIBRARIAN:  And you always hit me after I help you.

CAPTAIN: (boisterous laugh) Yes, we have fought many battles, and while you are a dastardly foe, I have always won in the end.

LIBRARIAN:  My medicals bills are stacking up –

CAPTAIN:  But I am not here to regale your patrons with our past encounters.  Now, I need your help to stop the newest villain threatening this city.

LIBRARIAN:  I’ve started to talk to a lawyer –

Captain slaps the librarian.

CAPTAIN:  I know you loathe me, and I you, and someday we shall fight until one of us is no more, but dammit man, there are more important things to worry about!  Don’t you listen to the radio?

LIBRARIAN:  There are no radios allowed in the library.

CAPTAIN:  The Jack of Trades is threatening to blow up the town’s whiskey supply, and I need your help to stop him.

PATRON:  The distillery?!

The sound of many people in the library fainting.

LIBRARIAN:  What the hell?

CAPTAIN:  (taking out a map) You may be a pretentious, smarmy bastard and I hate everything you stand for, but you’ve done fair by this city.  Let us join forces.  Read this map, and help me find the distillery so that I may stop the Jack of Trades before it is too late.

LIBRARIAN:  Oh god.

CAPTAIN:  Yes, call upon your evil and ancient eldergods, and call forth your powers to decipher any written language.

LIBRARIAN:  You really are stupid.

CAPTAIN:  You know all my abilities to comprehend any written symbols has been stripped away!

LIBRARIAN:  You’re not dumb because you can’t read, or at least not just because you can’t read.

Captain knocks a lamp off a desk and onto the ground.

LIBRARIAN:  Hey!

CAPTAIN:  We don’t have time for this!  That distillery is going to be gone soon, and I need to know where it is!

LIBRARIAN:  It’s right next door, you moron!

CAPTAIN:  What?

LIBRARIAN:  If you had opened your eyes before jumping through windows and knocking out all the men in the library, you would have seen that the distillery is the building right by this one.

CAPTAIN:  Oh.

LIBRARIAN:  The distillery is the company that funds this library!  That’s why we’re called Ruby City’s Drink n’ Read Book Depository.

CAPTAIN:  I always wondered about that.

LIBRARIAN:  The two buildings are even attached.  There is a hallway down the east wing that heads straight into the main show room of the distillery.

CAPTAIN:  By Jove!  I can use that hallway to sneak into the distillery, giving me the element of surprise!  Your powers and ancient knowledge helps save the city once again.  But the time for your wily incantations and archaic wordsmithing is over, and the time for brazen action is at hand.  Farewell, my greatest foe.  Today we have found a common ground and have become allies, but I swear someday I shall destroy you and your confusing building of . . . confusion.

Pause.  Captain slaps the librarian.  Pause.  Captain knocks another lamp to the ground.  Pause.

LIBRARIAN:  Get the hell out of my library.

Captain runs off.

NARRATOR:  And so Captain Solecistic is off!  But will he get to the distillery in time to stop the Jack of Trades, or will the distillery –

LIBRARIAN:  And library!  We’re attached, you know.

NARRATOR: Will he be able to save the distillery and library before the Jack of Trades incinerates it?  Will the Captain be able to find the east wing without being able reading any of the signs posted in the library?  Will the Librarian press charges against the Captain for breaking yet another window?

LIBRARIAN:  YES!

NARRATOR:  Tune in next time to find out the answers on Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger!

Fanfare plays.

A continuation from last week’s script.

Captain Solecistic: The Illiterate Avenger – Part I

Static and the high pitch whine of radio channels changing.  Bits of music can be heard, along with some Spanish, but then the radio clicks in on its wanted destination.

NEWSMAN: . . . and they never did find the other shoe.  That’s it for tonight’s evening edition of Newest Nightly News at Night.  We’ll be back at the same time tomorrow.  And make sure to catch our midday edition, the Daily Data Deadline Dispatch.  I’m you’re host Phillip G. Rubenfelderheimerloben, bidding you a good night.  Now stayed tuned for the latest installment of The Adventures of Captain Solecistic, the Illiterate Avenger!  But first, a word from our sponsors at Blunt Briefs, makers of the underwear that don’t mess around with small talk.

A jingle plays.

ADVERTISER: BUY OUR PRODUCTS!

The same jingle.  Silence.  Then a horn plays a small fanfare.

MAN 1:  The world is full of criminals and corrupt philanthropists.

MAN 2:  They take our money, burn our houses, replace our jobs with robots and eat our babies.

WOMAN:  Is there any one that can help us?!

NARRATOR: This sounds like a job for –

Theme music.

EVERYBODY: (with echo) CAPTAIN SOLECISTIC!

NARRATOR:  That’s right, CAPTAIN SOLECISTIC, THE ILLITERATE AVENGER!  When Ruby City’s top reporter Parker Gently accidentally angered Thoth the Egyptian God of Language by urinating on the reference desk in the library while drunk, he was cursed by having his ability to read stripped away!  But the same curse also granted him super strength, super hearing, mild toenail fungus, and an unquenchable thirst to fight crime!  Now he battles the forces of evil and stands for what is true and good and happy and . . . stuff. But he must keep his new powers hidden away or else!  What adventure will he get into today?!

The music changes from the theme to a jaunty tune.  The sounds of a newsroom.

NARRATOR:  We find our hero in the office of the Ruby Bugle’s editor-and-chief, Dirk Harpoon, dictating his latest story.

PARKER: “ . . . and he’ll never be able to abuse the good people of Ruby City ever again.”

CHIEF:  That’s a great story Gently, but it needs to be written down!  I can’t remember my wife’s name, let alone an entire story!

The phone rings.

CHIEF: (answering) Yeah?

RECEPTIONIST:  It’s Barbara on 3.

CHIEF:  Who?  I don’t know a Barbara.

RECEPTIONIST:  It’s your wife –

Dirk hangs up.

CHIEF:  You used to write all your stories down, then you suddenly stopped.  What’s the skinny on that?

PARKER:  But chief, it is written down.  That’s why Robbie is here.

ROBBIE:  (popping out from behind Parker)  HI YA CHIEF!

CHIEF:  Jesus the Lord Slurping Soda on the Cross, I didn’t even see ya kid.

PARKER:  You get all of that Robbie?

ROBBIE:  Yeah, I got it all Mr. Gently, but you sure do talk fast.  My hand’s cramping all up.

The sound of someone slapping Robbie.

CHIEF:  Shut up and be grateful.  When I started in the business, I acted as an eraser when they printed a mistake.  5000 copies of the Bugle corrected by me and my tongue.  And did you hear me complainin’?

ROBBIE:  No.

CHIEF:  That’s right!  The ink was made with lead back then and I would pass out before I could say a word.  Not that it mattered as my tongue would be useless for the next thirteen days and the fumes from the machines did a number on my memory.  (Pause.)  What was I just talking about?

PARKER:  You were saying how much you liked my story.

CHIEF:  Oh yeah.  But start writing it down!

PARKER:  Don’t worry chief, I got it covered.  (to Robbie)  There’s a good boy; here’s a condom.

ROBBIE:  Gee, thanks Mr. Gently.  And it’s new!

PARKER: Now walk that story to the printer.

ROBBIE:  I won’t just walk there Mr. Gently, I’ll run!

Robbie leaves.  A door opens and closes.

CHIEF:  What a slow news day!  Nothing is going on around here!

NARRATOR:  Just then who walks in?  Why it’s none other than -

A knock.  The door swings open.

PARKER:  Stacy Bateman, top columnist at the Ruby Bugle and currently having a torrid love affair with yours truly.

Pause.

STACY:  I hate that you say that every time I walk into the room, Parker.

CHIEF:  What is it Bateman?  I’m busy talking about how nothing is going on.

STACY:  Turn on your radio, Chief, you’ll want to hear this.

A radio is turned on.

REPORTER:  This just in!  A terrorist calling himself ‘The Jack of Trades’ is threatening to blow up a local building.  Here’s an excerpt from his message to the police now:

JACK:  I demand the city hand over to me ten million dollars in unmarked silver dollars by the end of the day, or I will blow up Ruby City’s beloved bourbon distillery!

CHIEF:  NO!

The chief falls over.

STACY:  Chief!

PARKER:  He’s fainted.

REPORTER:  At present, there are no authorities at the scene as they all have mysteriously fainted after hearing the message.  It seems that Ruby City’s whiskey days are coming to a close.

The radio is turned off.

PARKER:  We have to do something!

STACY:  But what can we, masters of the written word, do to stop a mad man like that?  In these situations, the ability to read and write doesn’t mean a darn.

The sound of more people falling over.

STACY:  Oh no, it looks like the art department has heard the news.  I’m to go and help.

PARKER:  Reading doesn’t mean a darn?  Well, this looks like a job for –

An explosion, and a trumpet flare.

CAPTAIN:  – CAPTAIN SOLESISTIC, THE ILLITERATE AVENGER!  I have to stop The Jack of Trades before it’s too late.  The radio says he’s at the bourbon distillery, so I only have to look at a map!

He unfolds a map.  Pause.

CAPTAIN:  Damn.  I forgot that maps must be read.  This villain is more dastardly than I thought; always one step ahead.  It looks like I’ll once again need to turn to my old nemesis to help me in my quest to help save the city.

Dramatic music.

NARRATOR:  Who is this mysterious nemesis?  And can the Captain trust him, or will he be betrayed?  Who is the Jack of Trades, and why does he want to blow up all the sweet, lovely, life-giving whiskey?  Will the Captain be able to find his way to the distillery before it’s too late?  (pause)  You might want to get on that, by the way –

CAPTAIN:  Oh.  Right.  Up, up, and to places!

Sound of a glass breaking as the Captain jumps through the window.

NARRATOR:  For the answers to these questions and more, tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of CAPTAIN SOLECISTIC: THE ILLITERATE AVENGER!!!  Now a word from our sponsor.

SPONSOR:  Got a fresh apple pie waiting to be served?  Got some cocoa that isn’t quite ready?  Got a lonely Friday night and no friends?  Then get Hick’s All Natural Whipped Cream, the only whipped cream made with real ingredients, magic, fairy dust, and minute traces of LSD.  Hick’s Whipped Cream – Made with real cream, by real hicks, with real whips.

Radio clicks off.—Script to be concluded next week.  Created with Time For More Cake; check out his blog. —

Last Minute Science Project

Titlecard – BASED ON TRUE EVENTS

A car zooms into the parking lot of a grocery store, swerves, and comes to a short stop in front of the door.  A young college student hops out of the passenger seat and turns around to talk to the driver.

STUDENT 1 – (breathing heavy from stress) Okay, I’ll go in and get the bleach, food coloring, baking soda, two cartons of milk and the turkey baster.  You go to the Home Depot and pick up three two-foot long pieces of 2×4, some paint brushes, four neon lightbulbs, a bag of fertilizer and a tube of caulking.

STUDENT 2 – Got it.

STUDENT 1 – We’ll meet back at the apartment and get going on the Chemistry project that’s due tomorrow, pull an all-nighter, and hopefully be done before class starts at 10am.

STUDENT 2 – We should have done this two weeks ago when we got the assignment.

STUDENT 1 – Yeah, but we sat down and watched the box set of LOST while drinking pina coladas and banana daiquiris instead.  Frankly, I don’t regret it.  Do you?

STUDENT 2 – Never in life.

STUDENT 1 – That’s what I thought.  If we buckle down and concentrate, we can get this done in no time.  Professor DickwadDoesn’tAllowExtraCreditDipshit does not get to win.

STUDENT 2 – Agreed.

STUDENT 1 – We can do this.

Student 1 closes the door and the car zooms off.  Student 1 runs into the store, which has a sign out front saying “NEWLY REMODELED”.  He frantically looks around, searching for bleach.  On the Aisle 4 banner, he finds ‘Cleaning Products’ and sprints down the aisle.  Because he is not looking where he is going, he runs into a stack of cans of soup, which are marked half-off.  He picks up some and then just brushes the rest of the cans to the side of aisle with his foot.  He reaches the end of the aisle where the bleach should be, stops and turns to the shelf.  He is breathing heavily and starting to sweat.  He stands there in silence, a look of confusion slowly growing on his face.

STUDENT 1 – Nuts.

Instead of bleach, the shelf is packed full of peanuts, almonds, sunflower seeds, and other nuts.  Student 1 simply gawks at the shelf.  A store clerk, who is passing by with a floor buffer, looks over.

STORE CLERK – Sorry, we haven’t changed the signs yet.  Bleach is in Aisle 9.

Student 1 runs past him to go to Aisle 9, where he slips on the newly buffed floor and falls right on his ass.

TRUE STORY.

Infomercial for Nerd-B-Gone

Two guys are sitting on a park bench, talking.

GUY 1: Yeah, you know, I don’t really like Battlestar Galactica.  It’s so transparent and -

GUY 2: FUCK YOU AND ANYONE THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU!

ANNOUNCER:  Are you a nerd?  Do you get violently angry when your friends dislike the movie or tv show or comic book or band that you like?  Then try Nerd-B-Gone, the latest pharmaceutical that helps abate your geeky rage.

Two other guys walking down the street.

GUY 3:  Firefly is so overrated.

Guy 4 kicks Guy 3 in the groin and runs off.

GUY 4:  I try to understand my friends, but their opinions are wrong and I can’t handle it.

ANNOUNCER:  Not anymore!  With the help of Nerd-B-Gone, you too can have a normal conversation.  When a dork hears an opinion that is a dissenting view point, the opinion travels through the ears and into the brain, where is activates the rage center of the brain and sends messages to the mouth and body to create a violent reaction.  Nerd-B-Gone blocks these signals sent out from the brain, and replaces them with polite comments.

Two guys at a restaurant.

GUY 5:  Alan Moore?  I thought all comic books were about stupid superheros.

Guy 6 begins to say something, then stops.  His face turns beet red, and he begins to tremble and foam at the mouth slightly.

GUY 6: (having difficulty speaking) . . . that is . . . a valid opinion . . . how . . . how . . . thoughtful of you to say so . . .

Guy 6 passes out.

ANNOUNCER:  With Nerd-B-Gone, you can rejoin polite society!  Warning: Nerd-B-Gone may cause brain hemorrhaging, aneurysms, dry mouth, constipation, an increase in stupid and inane friends, and rectal bleeding.  Talk to your doctor today to see if Nerd-B-Gone is right for you!

 

The ASPS Talks Science

SPOKESPERSON: We here at ASPS want to make sure that parents understand the proper way to teach science and natural observation to their children.  Introducing science is important to a young mind and can heavily influence their view of the real wonders that are all around them.  But an improper method will not only fail to teach children, but may turn them against learning science further in their lives, as seen in the following examples.

EXAMPLE #1
DAUGHTER 1: Daddy, why is the sky blue?
FATHER 1: Something about the atmosphere, I don’t know, fuck you.

EXAMPLE #2
DAUGHTER 2: Mommy, where do babies come from?
MOTHER 1:  Penis.  Vagina.  Semen.  Then you, and the end of everything that was good and pure and fun about my life!

EXAMPLE #3
SON 1: Mommy, what’s two plus two?
MOTHER 2: About the amount of hours I locked you in the closet last night.

SPOKESPERSON: As you can see, not only have these parents not answered the questions posed to them by their inquisitive children, but they do so in a manner that is off-putting to subsequent questions.  Children must be encouraged to ask such questions, and must also be given answers and have them illustrated in such a way to make them easy to understand, as seen here.

EXAMPLE #4
SON 2: Daddy, what’s Newton’s Third Law of Motion.
The Father 2 looks at his son, pauses, and then promptly punches him in the face.

SPOKESPERSON:  As you can see, the parent both answered the child’s question while providing an accompanying example.  And the answer was so succinct that the parent did not even have to use words.  So please, remember this when considering teaching your children the science of the natural world.

TITLE CARD: Brought to by ASPS – The Association of Sloppy Parenting Styles.

“You’re 9 and you still haven’t mastered imaginary numbers? Fuck, you’re stupid boy.”