EggRolos

Eggrolo (5)Deep-fried candy, but in a good way.

There are times I want to say that I am so talented and prolific, all I need is a pen and paper and I can create art that is moving, entertaining and insightful.  Then I remember that the name of my particular muse is χαζή τύχηm, which is Greek for “dumb luck”, and my delusions of grandeur just fly right out the window.  Case in point: this is another recipe idea I got from my inability to type.  While chatting online with a friend while we were talking about Chinese food, I meant to type “eggrolls” but instead typed “eggrolos”.

And thus, a new creation was born.

For those of you who don’t know about Rolos (meaning that your childhood was a loveless pit of despair and lamentation), they are a simple candy of milk-chocolate coated caramels.  They were sweet, every so chewy, and came wrapped in gold-colored foil, encased in a paper tube.

rolos

It’s all about the tubes, baby.

Deep-fried Rolos are not a new invention (as people who attended the 2011 Arkansas State Fair can attest to), but to put it in the form of an eggroll helps to subtract the American tradition of frying every food beyond recognition, and add a little international flare to the dish.  And because a mentor of mine once said, “Nic, the ONE time you DON’T half-ass a job is when you’re just fucking around”, I couldn’t simply take Rolos, wrap them in eggroll wrappers, and then cook the suckers.  No, I had to make the caramel and the chocolate myself, and then get to frying.

This dish was daunting and intimidating once all the ingredients were laid out before me.  But because you can never learn to fly without jumping off of a cliff, there’s no other option but to dive in head first and hope you sprout wings before you fall to your death.

EggroloEggRolos

- 14 ½ oz. Sugar
- ½ cup of Water
- ½ cup Light Corn Syrup
- ¼ tsp. of Cream of Tartar
- 1 ¾ cups of Heavy Cream (room temperature)
- 2 tsp. of Soy Sauce
- 10 tbsp. of Unsalted Butter (room temperature)
- 1 tsp. Sea Salt
- 8 oz. of Milk Chocolate Morsels
- Vegetable Oil
- Eggroll Wrappers (So I didn’t make everything from scratch; I’m an artist, not Chef Chu from Eat Drink Man Woman.)
- Confectioners Sugar

This recipe scared me half to death.  Melting sugar is always very scary to me as it is the culinary version of napalm, and things can go from okay to horrible in a matter of moments.  As a cook, I’m a guy who flies by the seat of his pants most of the time, not knowing what the final dish is going to be until I put it on my plate and eat it.  Candy is more of an exact science: keep the mixture at 233° for 32.12289984 minutes, and then turn the heat up to 450° for 4 seconds, and then add salt, then take it out, then add hard water, then document the results and publish them in an accredited scientific journal.  All of these strict guidelines can be frightening to a new candy-cooker, but there is also comfort in them as you don’t have to think about anything.  Just follow the directions to the letter, and you’ll be okay.

  • The recipe I used for the caramels was Alton Brown’s (my cooking idol), and can be found here.  I’m not going to go through the exacts of the recipe because I didn’t get it quite right the few times I’ve tried it.  The first time I attempted it, the candy came out more like brittle, which would not be a pleasant experience when biting into a hot fried tube of sugar.  The second time, I ended up with something that was the consistency of the caramel that is swirled into the ice cream cartons that you buy at the grocery store, which works better with the EggRolo recipe, but isn’t what the recipes says it should be.  I’ll keep trying to perfect it in the future but I started to get diabetes from eating all the failed efforts, so I just went with the swirly-saucy caramel.

    LOOK AT MY SHAME.

    LOOK AT MY SHAME.

  • Make a ganache for the chocolate portion.  Ganache is an icing or glaze that is made with chocolate and cream.  Heat ¾ cup of heavy cream.  Put your chocolate in a bowl.  When the cream is ready, pour it over the chocolate and let it sit for two minutes.  Stir the chocolate and cream until fully mixed, and then add 2 tbsp. of butter.  Mix until fully incorporated and then set aside to cool.
    • I used dark chocolate to make my ganache because I prefer it, but a milk chocolate ganache would be truer to the Rolo concept, as well as taste more like it.  Also, you run the risk of the dark chocolate overpowering the caramel.
  • Prepare a eggrolo-rolling station, which should include your caramel, your chocolate ganache, eggroll wrappers, and a small bowl of cold water to dip you fingers in.
  • The size of your eggrolos depends on your personal preference.  I tried both traditional eggroll wrappers and then smaller potsticker wrappers as well.  The eggroll wrappers will create a normal looking eggroll, which would be good for a dessert in a coursed-meal.  The smaller wrappers created tiny eggrolos about an inch in length, which would be ideal for snack food for kids or in a big bowl at a party.
  • The key to filling eggrolls (or any stuffed pastry/pasta) is to use a lot less than you feel you should.  Start by putting down a small, thin layer of ganache –Eggrolo (2)
  • - and then a thicker portion of caramel –Eggrolo (3)
  • Then you flip the corner over once then fold in the sides.  At this point, you want to wet your fingers and rub the edges of the wrappers.  This will make sure that you get a full seal on your eggrolos so that nothing seeps out when you start frying.  Gently press out all air pockets, and finish rolling the eggrolo, making sure to seal every edge.  Set on a plate.

    These taste good unfried, too . . . not that I would know . . . ahem . . .

    These taste good unfried, too . . . not that I would know . . . ahem . . .

  • Once you’ve prepped the amount of eggrolos you want (I only did four big eggrolos and four little rolos, but I think this recipe could yield 64 eggrolos, easily), refrigerate the eggrolos for at least an hour.
    • The point of chilling the rolos for so long before cooking is to make sure that the intense heat of frying melts the inner ingredients rather than burning them.
  • Fill a pot with the oil and start to heat to 350° (get yourself one of them fancy candy thermometers).
  • Once your eggrolos are chilled and your oil is ready, put two to four eggrolos in the oil (depending on the size of your pot and the size of your eggrolos).  Since we don’t need to worry about the contents of the eggrolos cooking, once they turn a golden brown, take the eggrolos out and set them to drain.
    • You will want to serve these pretty quickly, so that the outside is really crispy and the inside all melty and gooey.  If you wait too long, the crunch will be gone and the effect ruined.
  • Dust with confectioners sugar, and then serve.

The final product came out pretty much like I expected, but the reality of it had much more impact than I had imagined; hot, crispy and crunchy lightness on the outside; warm, gooey and sweet decadence on the inside.  Serve with some small scoops of vanilla ice cream, or if you are brave, try dipping them into soy sauce which will add some saltiness to the party, making the flavors more complex.  Either way, your diners are in for a pleasant surprise.Eggrolo (6)

Enjoy!

Jumbo Gumbo Dog

Gumbo1A new recipe embodying New Orleans for the new year.

NEW CAMERA OBTAINED!  No more blurry, undefined blobs of color!  No more apologizing, or insisting that, yes, that really is mac n’ cheese instead of a bowl of orange paint!  Finally, the pictures of my recipes will match the quality of my writing (at least that’s what I tell myself).  I wish I could say I was able to buy the new camera because of money I made via this blog, or an acting gig, or some other creative endeavor; in truth, I just strong-armed my grandmother in spending a couple of hundred dollars on one by saying I never get presents anymore.

AchievementBut enough of my manipulation of family members; let’s get to the chow.  Being creole (along with filipino, polish, austrian, german and native american – I might even be russian; once you reach four different ethnicities, the goal is to claim as many as you can ), gumbo always marked a special occasion in my household.  For those of you who don’t know what gumbo is and are therefore leading sad, empty lives, it’s a kind of hefty, spicy soup from Louisiana that is served over rice.  There is no one standard recipe, but it usually includes fried chicken, andouille sausage, okra and shrimp.  When I started cooking for myself like a big boy, gumbo was on the top of my “Learn How To Make This” list, and now it’s all my family wants me to make.

But I don’t want to tell you how to make gumbo; you can get recipes all over the internet, and that’s just not hardcore enough.  After some heavy pondering (and heavy drinking, let’s not deny it) I came up with this:

Not a hot dog.  Not a chili-dog.  Not a chili-cheese dog.  A GUMBO dog.  And not just any hot dog, but a hot link.

Now sit down and get ready for the stupidly awesome to fill your mouth.

gumbo2Jumbo Gumbo Dog

- 1-2 lbs of Chicken Meat
- Flour
- Corn Starch
- Powdered Garlic
- Cayenne Pepper
- Black Pepper
- Salt
- Vegetable Oil
- 1 Cup of Onion (Chopped)
- 1 Cup of Green Pepper (Chopped)
- ¾ Cup of Celery (Chopped)
- 2-3 Jalapenos (Chopped or Sliced)
- Tsp Garlic (Minced)
- 1 lbs of Andouille Sausage (Cubed or Sliced)
- 7 Cups of Chicken Stock
- Rice (Jasmine, if possible)
- Hot Link (at least one)
- French Bread or Baguette

This recipe comes in two stages: 1) – Make Gumbo; and 2) Pour Gumbo Over Hotlink.  For the first stage, I’m going to refer you to the recipe that I learned from – Chef Paul Prudhomme’s Chicken & Smoked Sausage Gumbo – as it’s basically what I still use today.  As far as the second stage, there’s not much to go into:

  • Heat the hot link in the manner you see fit
  • Place hot link in french bread/baguette
  • Mix gumbo with cooked rice
  • Pour gumbo and rice on hot link
  • Sprinkle with some diced green onions
  • Serve, along with a few choices of hot sauce

Look, I never said it was going to be the most complex recipe in the world (although if you think making gumbo is a walk in the park, you’re crazy), nor did I say it was 100% all my recipe.  But I think I get a couple of points for being the first to come up with the idea, at least to my knowledge and what time I spent looking for it on the internet.  I will talk about some things that I do differently from Chef Paul, however.

  • You can skip all the product placement; any andouille sausage (yes, it MUST be andouille) will do.  And while Chef Paul’s seasoning blends are okay, you can do just as well with salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper and garlic powder when seasoning the chicken.
  • For the fried chicken, I just used breast fillets cut into strips.  It’s easier to cut up into the gumbo, and you don’t have as much to worry about as you do with chicken that still has the skin and bones.  This does mean that the breading on the finished chicken is more chalky instead of crispy since it’s just flour, but because it’s going in a soup it doesn’t matter.
  • I dredge the chicken twice; once in the flour mixture, and then I add some cornstarch to the mixture and dredge a second time right before I fry it.  The cornstarch is finer than flour and can get into all the nooks and crannies that flour sometimes misses.  And don’t worry; having cornstarch in there won’t hurt your roux.
  • Speaking of roux – you don’t have to do it the way Chef Paul instructs.  There are slower and safer methods to making roux that will ensure you get it just right without the risk of ruining it; just be prepared for those methods to take much longer.  I would give y’all more details on those methods, but I’ve only ever done it Chef Paul’s way because I’m not a pussy.
  • I added jalapenos to the chopped vegetables for some more heat.  If you don’t want it too hot, you can always seed and core the peppers before adding them.  If you want even less heat, you don’t have to add them at all.  If you want a completely mild gumbo that isn’t hot at all, then you might as well just eat an american cheese, miracle whip and wonderbread sandwich for all the living that you’re doing.
  • So the fuck what if I used a bag of microwaved rice?!  I was drinking and didn’t want to worry about getting the timing of everything just right.  Leave me alone.
  • It’ll be hard to wait, but I would suggest cooking the gumbo at least a day ahead of actually making the gumbo dogs.  Part of the magic of gumbo is that it’s fantastic when fresh, but mind-blowing when it has sat for a day or two.  The longer all of the ingredients (chicken, sausage, soup, etc.) sit with each other, the deeper and richer the flavor becomes.  Of course, if you have added shrimp, crab or other seafood to your gumbo, you may not want to let it sit around.

Shout out to my friend and fellow-blogger Zack Keller for being my co-chef and photographer while I held the gumbo dog.  I have many more recipes of both food and drink planned, and each will come with HD pictures shot by my brand new camera!  Hell, I may even go back and remake some of my old recipes just to get you guys better shots…after I finish cleaning up my kitchen since making gumbo is messy work.  And then after I have a drink.  And then another.  You know, let’s just say it’d be a nice idea.

Enjoy!

Gumbo3Dedicated to my grandparents Dorothy and Tony Frantela

Hair of the Dog Noodles

A Meaty, Sweet & Savory, Guilty Pleasure Recovery Meal

Phew.  All this drinkin’ catches up with a man.  Unless you’re incredibly lucky (or unlucky, depending on your view of things), we all have had to deal with the after-effects of a hardcore party.  Queeziness, headaches, slow reflexes, etc.  And it’s times like those that you want food that tastes good, is easy to eat, will fill your stomach, and give you back some shred of dignity.  What I’ve made will help you with those first three; you have no chance with the fourth because someone took pictures of you trying to make out with that floor lamp and we’ve all seen them.

You see that pack of walnuts? Fuck those walnuts, they snuck in there.

Hair of the Dog Noodles

- 8 oz of Wide Ride Noodles
- Pack of Bacon
- 4 oz of Sausage/Ground Pork
- 4 Eggs
- 1-2 Bulbs of Shallots (Sliced)
- 1-2 Garlic (Minced)
- Handful of Chives (Chopped)
- 5-6 Large Mushrooms (Sliced)
- Butter
- Soy Sauce
- Maple Syrup
- Salt
- Pepper
- Shot of Jack Daniels

This is essentially a Drunken Noodle recipe, but some ingredients have been changed to make it more breakfasty and American.  It’s also not going to be as spicy as your run of the mill Drunken Noodles since I’ve taken out the Thai Chilis; a hot pepper is just enough to push that hangover nausea to a full-blown “Can I make it to the toilet before I BLAAARRRGGGG?!!” moment.

  • Preheat oven to 400°.  When ready, bake the pack of bacon on a foil-lined baking sheet for 20-25 minutes, or until crispy.  Yes, I said to bake your bacon, and yes, I said to use an entire pack of it.  This is a hangover recovery meal, not an example of health.  Set aside when finished.
  • Soak and soften noodles in boiling water.  When done, drain, rinse, and set aside.

A note on the noodles – The kind of noodles I use are wide rice noodles (also sometimes labeled as rice sticks), an Asian noodle available in any Asian market, or online, if those kinds of markets aren’t in your area.  In the end, any Asian noodle will do; just don’t use normal pasta.

Yes, it does matter; stop arguing with me.  Never argue with a chef, especially if he’s drunk.

“It’s up to you whether I beat JUST the eggs!”

  • Beat eggs in a large bowl.
  • Melt some butter in a large skillet.  When hot, pour in eggs, and create a large, thin omelet – this can be made by constantly shaking the pan until egg mixture is mostly solid, and then flip.  Set aside.
  • In a large pan/wok, cook the sausage/pork.  Set aside.
  • Crumble bacon, cut omelet into 1” x 2” sections, and pour sausage into a large bowl.
  • In the same pan/wok, heat some oil.  When hot, throw in garlic, shallots and mushrooms.  Fry until soft.
  • Throw in drained noodles.  Mix well.
  • Pour and mix in 2 – 4 tablespoons of soy sauce.
  • Toss in 2 tablespoons of butter.  Mix until completely incorporated.
  • Salt and pepper noodles to taste.
  • Pour in bacon, sausage, and eggs.  You must mix it.
  • Pour in ¼ cup of maple syrup.  You must mix it.
  • Pour in a shot of Jack Daniels (this is called ‘Hair of the Dog’ Noodles, after all, and the whiskey compliments the syrup). You must mix it.
  • Now mix it into shape; shape it up; get straight; go forward; move ahead; try to detect it; it’s not too late; to mix it . . . mix it good (WHIPCRACK).

    Hold on, let me turn down my stereo; it’s starting to affect my writing.

  • Add in chives.
  • Serve.

Now, I know this seems like some reject from Epic Meal Time, but once the dish is made, it’s not all that; the amount of noodles helps spread out all the protein, syrup and liquor.  What you end up with is something that is equally sweet and savory, crispy and soft, simply delicious and ‘who gives a crap as long as it helps with the hangover?’  My roommate, who ate much of the finished dish, stated that it was the perfect hangover meal because it was easy to eat.  I think he meant that you didn’t have to do any hard work to consume it, like peel any fruit . . . or, like, chew it.  Every single bite will taste like glorious mix of every breakfast you’ve ever had.  Not for the vegetarian, nor the health-conscious, but perfect for a household full of drunks after a wild and crazy house party.

Enjoy!

Vegetable Pasta

Okay, so it’s just chop suey.  I just figured out how to make chop suey.  Whoop-dee-doo!  But I figured it out on my own without looking it up.  That’s how much of a genius I am; I create age old dishes completely on my own.

It actually bummed me out when I went online and did less than five minutes of research with google and discovered that what I thought would usher in a new era for veggie-only and gluten-intolerant folks (Vegetable Pasta!  Pasta, made out of vegetables!  I am a pioneer, a goddamn innovator, a fucking trailblazer!) was actually invented in the 1800’s.  I feel like a grandparent who calls up his grandson to ask, “Hey Billy, have you heard about this MySpace thing?”

Still, I’m going to put the recipe down as I don’t have anything else right now and I took all these damn pictures (still have a shitty camera though, sorry).  Plus, the possibilities for this dish are somewhat insurmountable so it might be good to know anyway.

Vegetable Pasta (Chop Suey)

- Zucchini (also called Italian Squash, apparently)
- Carrot (also called the Orange Killer of the North)
- Red Pepper (also called Dave)
- Onion (also called Onion)
- Eggplant (I normally try to go for a Chinese or Japanese Eggplant for this, but they didn’t have any good ones at my local foodmart so I had to go with the White Eggplant which just looks like a very large bean to me.)

You can use any vegetables that you want, but long thin ones work best if you want that pasta effect.  Also shy away from the starchier stuff as it would take a lot longer to cook than the other stuff.

  • Using a mandolin with a julienne attachment and set at ¼ inch, make long stands of the zucchini, eggplant and carrot.  Keep the eggplant and zucchini separate from the carrots by putting them into a bowl and putting that bowl into the fridge.  They will start to brown really quickly.
  • Core the pepper and remove the seeds.  Cut the pepper into thin strips.
  • Peel and halve the onion.  Then, laying the flat side down, cut to the middle of the onion. (This finished product should look like this)  Take the julienne attachment off and slice the onion half until it’s gone.  You’ll be left with a bunch of broken onion rings which will uncurl as you cook them.
  • If you don’t have a mandolin, get on the ball and purchase one, or do it by hand.  If you do it by hand, don’t use a cheese grater as things will come out too thin. Also, leave the squash and eggplant for last as by the time you finish with everything else they will have browned.

That’s it, basically.  How you cook it is up to you and up to the style you want.  Stir-frying with some garlic and ginger will give you the Asian flair.  If you want a more Italian theme, fry the onions and red pepper with some garlic, boil the carrots, leave the squash and eggplant alone (they don’t need to cook just to be heated, which a sauce can do) and pour over some tomato sauce and cheese.  You could even leave everything raw, throw in some olives and asparagus, drizzle on a vinaigrette and have a salad you can twirl onto a fork.  And if you don’t feel like being vegan-friendly or gluten-free, throw some shrimp in that stir-fry!  Put sausage in the tomato sauce, and use actual pasta too.  Cut up some barbequed chicken into that salad.

As for me, I did a stir-fry this time with my own sauce.

Sauce

- 3 Tbs. Hoison Sauce
- 2 Tbs. Sweet Chili Sauce
- 1 Tbs. Soy Sauce
- ½ Tbs. Sesame Oil
- ½ Tbs. Crushed Ginger
- ½ Tbs. Crushed Garlic
- ½ Tbs. Black Pepper

  • Mix together in a bowl.
  • When stir-frying you veggies, go ass the produce in this order:  Carrots, onions, pepper, squash & eggplant.  The carrots are going to take the longest to cook, and the squash and eggplant don’t need to cook at all so don’t add everything at once.
  • When all the veggies have been added, turn off the heat and pour sauce over the noodles.  Toss to coat.

Then you put it into a bowl, dash on some sesame seeds and throw in some pine nuts.  I also ate it with some broiled white fish.  It may not be innovative, but it sure is tasty.

Enjoy!

Chocolate Peanut Butter Melt

Rich, Gooey, Decadent.

Okay, I need to get a better camera.  These photos don’t do this thing justice whatsoever.

A while ago I was interested in doing a web series about cooking geared towards those people who have a hard time not burning the house down when they pour a glass of water.  Every episode would have focused on one basic cooking/culinary principle, like knives, preparation or heat, and after each lesson I would cook/teach a recipe that used said principles.  I’m still interested in doing that series, but seeing as I started writing episode one almost a year and a half ago and now I’m up to episode one I don’t think the series will be coming any time soon.  And like I said already, I need a better camera.

This is the recipe that comes from the first episode.  I went a little overboard in making this one, and the basics of the dessert sandwich are actually much simpler than what I went through.  So this recipe will have two sections: 1) Normal text for what I did, and 2) Italics for the easy (lazy) version.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Melt

- Two slices of bread (I used a hearty whole wheat, heavier works better for this)
- Peanut Butter
- Bittersweet/Dark Chocolate Morsels
- Dried Cranberries
- Tbsp. Brown Sugar
- Butter (And lots of it. If you think great desserts can be nonfat then I don’t want to know you . . . unless you subscribe to my blog, please subscribe to my blog.  Also, room temperature and unsalted, thank you very much)
- 1/2 Tbsp. Cinnamon

  • Start by putting a handful of chocolate (measuring cups?  what?!) and a handful of dried cranberries in a food processor.  Process until most of the chocolate has turned more to a powder.  —  Using the same measurements, chop the chocolate and cranberries with a knife.  We want things pretty fine, so keep going at it for awhile.  Use a cold knife and wear rubber gloves to keep from melting the chocolate which will make it harder to work with.  You can skip down a few steps as it’s just unnecessarily complicated until then.
  • After the chocolate and the cranberries have been processed, add about a handful of peanut butter (about 1/3 – 1/2 cup if you’re silly and don’t want to dunk your hand into peanut butter) and add it.  Process again until the peanut butter is incorporated.  You’ll have a very doughy but not spreadable substance on your hands.
  • Place the chocopeanutcranberry dough (I’ll call it choconut from now on) into a mixing bowl.  Now brace yourself, this may be hard for a few of you.  Add the room temperature butter until the consistency of the mixture is that of peanut butter.  You will end up adding a lot of butter.  It’ll make it taste great, so great, so fucking great you will want to marry it.  But like marrying a millionaire who has made all of his money selling illegal pharmaceuticals, it may not be the healthiest thing for you.  If you don’t like how much butter you’re adding, or you can’t convince yourself that what you’re adding is actually healthy-nature-green-eco-spread, add two tablespoons and then use milk to achieve the desired consistency.
  • In a separate mixing bowl, whip 3 – 4 tablespoons of butter with the brown sugar and cinnamon until everything is thoroughly mixed.  —  You could just spread on butter later and then sprinkle it with brown sugar and cinnamon, but it tastes a lot better this way, so I say do it.
  • Slice two thick slices of whole wheat bread, and spread the choconut spread on both slices.  Put the sandwich together.  —  Take pre-sliced bread (no sourdough or rye please, unless you like nasty tasting shit, then hell, do what you want) and spread each slice with the choconut mixture.  Put the sandwich together. 
  • Place a pan on medium-low heat.  Spread the butter mixture onto one side of the sandwich.  Once the pan is ready, put the sandwich butter side down onto the pan.  Spread the butter on the other side of the sandwich.  —  Do this.
  • After about 40 seconds to a minute, flip the sandwich.  —  Do this.
  • Turn off the stove.  Cut off edges of sandwich (and eat them immediately) and then slice diagonally.  If you have any of the choconut spread left, using it as a dipping sauce.  —  Eat.  Eat everything.

What you’ll end up with is a dessert sandwich that is so rich that you’ll want to share it with someone.  Because not all the chocolate, cranberries and peanut butter will be completely mixed (unless you spend a lot time making sure it does, but don’t do that), each bite will be slightly different than the last.  Sometimes more peanut butter, sometimes more chocolate, sometimes more cranberries.  I highly suggest eating this with a glass of milk, as well as a good few hours of free time as this sandwich will put you into a diabetic coma pretty fast.

Enjoy!

Sesame Chili Kettlecorn

Crispy and crunchy, salty and sweet, with a dash of spice.

In the ongoing hunt to find food that tastes good without making me look like a baby beluga, I happened upon popcorn.  Understanding that a small popcorn from the movie theater holds almost as many calories as a Big Mac (making all those Big Macs I snuck into the theater redundant), and that microwave popcorn wasn’t much better, I decided to make it for myself.  The healthiest choice would have been to go with a hot air popper, but because I am cheap I did not want to spend the money and because I’m lazy I did not want to leave my apartment.

OH MY GOOOOOOOD, NATURE! AUGGGGH!

So after some research I discovered it wasn’t that hard to cook popcorn on the stove.  With a little bit of salt and oil (I wanted to eat a healthy snack, not packing popcorn.  Trust me, that shit tastes nasty) I had something I could theoretically eat for days without waist expanding results.

It didn’t take long for me to start experimenting with different oils, seasonings and the like, and after some horrible failures that still haunt my dreams I discovered one worth perfecting. 

Sesame Chili Kettlecorn

Now it’s not really kettlecorn.  For that you’d need a kettle, which I don’t have, and you’d need to make it in large quantities, which I don’t want.  This is more like caramel corn, but people respond better to kettlecorn so I’m just going to fucking lie.

¼ cup of popping corn
⅛ cup of sugar
⅛ cup of brown sugar
½ tbs of sesame oil
½ tbs of chili oil
1 tbs of butter (look, this recipe isn’t about health, god dammit.  Stop hounding me.)
¼ tsp of popcorn salt (or you can grind it up in a food processor, the salt needs to be a fine powder.)

  • Have everything measured and ready to go before you begin.  Once things start to happen they will happen quickly.
  • Put the oils in a medium-sized pot over a medium-high flame.  Throw in a few kernels and cover with a lid.  When the kernels pop, take the pot off the flame and throw in the rest of the popcorn and the salt.
  • Wait while the kernels cook.  You don’t want them to start popping yet, so make just keep an eye on them.  You’ll see them begin to lighten in color.
  • After a minute or two, throw in the butter and the sugar, and return the pot to the heat.
  • Stir until the sugar and butter combine and make a thick, dark, sugary paste.

I have to interject here for a moment.  If you have never worked with melted sugar before, please be careful.  Have you ever burned yourself?  It hurt, didn’t it?  Now imagine that pain-inducing heat not only touching you, but then sticking to you.  And when you go to wash it off, it only hardens into burning armor.  Melted sugar is the culinary equivalent to napalm.  So please, be careful.

  • Cover the pot.  Turn the heat down a smidgen.  Shake the pot, stirring the sugar and kernels inside, constantly.  Don’t stop.  You’re arms will hurt, yes, but it’s better than burned sugar.  Burned sugar is horrible to eat, maybe even more horrible than any other burned food because you can almost taste the good thing it was supposed to be inside it, making it a metaphysical disappointment.
  • Keep the cover on and continue to stir vigorously.  When the kernels begin to pop, keep your ears open.  When the popping has slowed, turn off the heat.
  • Place the popped corn into a bowl immediately.  BUT DON’T TOUCH IT, for god’s sake.

What did I just say?

Once it cools you can eat it right away.  Or, if you like, you can take the time to add a few more ingredients.  You can drizzle a little more sesame oil over it, or toss in some toasted sesame seeds.  You could add some paprika to give it more pep, or perhaps a little more salt to suit your tastes.  I like to do all of the above, along with sprinkling on some ginger powder to give it a distinct Asian flavor.

Enjoy!

Bacon, Lettuce, Apple and Jalapeno Sandwich

Bacon, Lettuce, Apple and Jalapeno Sandwich

Crispy, crunchy, tangy, sweet, spicy.  All in one sweet, sweet package.

After a recent cooking extravaganza that I had with my roommates we had a lot of bacon leftover.  Stifling my urge to simple cook the bacon and begin stuffing it into my face while still piping (to hell with the burns, they don’t tell me what to do), I realized that I also had a loaf of bread.  This struck me as something important.  After a half hour of sitting at my kitchen table in heavy contemplation while I stared at the bacon and the bread, I had an epiphany.  I almost had all the ingredients for a classic BLT!  Alas, I was out of tomato.  I was about to give up and just have a plain bacon sandwich (A bacon and lettuce sandwich?  What kind of American are you?), when an idea struck, and I had to experiment.

- 4 Strips of Thick Cut Bacon
- Lettuce (I used a Spring Mix Salad)
- 1 Granny Smith Apple
- Pickled Jalapenos
- 2 Slices of Whole Wheat Bread, Thick
- Mustard/Condiments of Your Choosing
- ¼ Cup of Sugar
- Butter

Do I need to put down instructions?  It’s a damn sandwich.  If you can’t make that then just slowly back away from the fire box in the big scary food room and go back outside to play whiffleball with the other children.  I’ll put what I did for the apple, but I think y’all can figure out the rest.

- Peel, core and slice the apple into ½ inch slices.
- Heat the sugar in a pan to medium high heat and pour in the sugar.  Constantly stir.
- When sugar melts and becomes gooey and start to boil, add your butter.  I never measure butter, I just use however much I think it would take to make what I’m cooking completely awesome.
- Lower heat and place apples in pan.  Let them soak up the goodness.
- Flip.  Goodness soak.

After about five minutes (or until you can’t stand the smell of bacon, caramelized apples and buttered bread any longer) take the apples off the stove, and prepare your sandwich to meet your specific sandwich needs.  I tend to like mustard more than mayo, but I was out of mayonnaise anyway.  The addition of the jalapenos is optional as I only added them as a whim at the very end, but their involvement in the dish brought this to a whole new level.  I would also be interested in seeing this down with pears, or perhaps even peaches.

Screw a BLT, try a BLAJ!